Welcome Mistral Alcoholism is a serious disease over which we are powerless. The reason that your partner drinks is a symptom of his very active disease over which he has lost the power of choice

.Living with this disease we too develop many negative coping tools that affect our ability to respond to life in a constructive manner. Alanon has face to face meeting held in most communities and it is here that I was offered new constructive tools to live by. Living one day at a time, focused on myself, sharing the journey with others who understood as few others can.
Please search out meetings and keep coming back

Hi Mistral,

I'm glad you felt safe with reaching out and sharing your feelings. I can relate to so many of the feelings you expressed, and my heart goes out to you. I was introduced to AlAnon when I was living with my alcoholic partner, and after reaching the breaking point from resentment, sadness, fear, and helplessness.

I found in AlAnon a fellowship of individuals who understood what I had been going through, because it turns out there are similarities in what we go through and feel, just as there are similarities in the behavior of alcoholics. AlAnon works by helping those who have been affected by others' drinking to repair some of the damage that occurred within us while being around the disease.

AlAnon helped guide me to some realizations about myself, along with some simple tools that allowed me to return some sanity to my world and make better decisions concerning the alcoholic in my life. AlAnon worked for me, a rather skeptical, I can do this, I will always find a way - guy, when nothing else I tried did.

You mentioned that you did not wish for advice, or for validation. I hope you do not take my comments as such, as they were not shared with either of those goals in mind. I did wish to welcome you, and as is the tradition of AlAnon, share a bit of how AlAnon has helped me deal with a situation in which I had feelings similar to those you expressed.

I have found this board, and AlAnon itself, to be an incredibly receptive, safe place to share my feelings, and more importantly for me, to learn how I could ease the pain I was feeling. I hope you find it to be so for you. I wish you peace on your journey

Alcoholics don't really "choose" the alcohol over you. Trust me, it's an insane disease that has him believing he can have both you and the alcohol all the way up until you are gone (as well as whatever else he loses). Then when losses happen, the alcoholic figuratively looks at the bottle and says "Well...at least I still have you..." It's sick and sad and nobody chooses to be that way but it doesn't mean that the alcoholic has no responsibility or a "free pass" as their drinking almost always causes lots of problems for them down the road (or they just miss out on so much life without fully knowing it).

I'm only saying this because it helps a tiny bit to not see yourself as coming in second place to a stupid drink. It's really a powerful disease your partner has. Doesn't mean you have to stay with him or go at this point. You can decide that when the time is right. But for now, he is diseased and not seeing the option of recovery. Again - there is a bit of choice involved in the alcoholic deciding to sober up, but it's really iffy and challenging because the person has to have a moment of clarity or spiritual awakening of sorts while drowning in the sauce and while being stuck in a rut of feeling sorry for themselves while also having their typical go to crutch right there. It's almost like the planets have to align just right...

So I'd be willing to bet he didn't sign up to be a non-functional drunk but it somehow slid into that not far off from how you didn't sign up to be into a relationship with a non-functional drunk but that is the reality right now. Sounds like you hit your bottom even if he hasn't hit his yet and that is at least good for you. Alanon will help you regain your focus on healthy self-care and not obsessing over him for being diseased and unhealthy at this time. One helpful exercise for me in the beginning was to try and take some of those things that I thought I "deserved" or "should be" getting from them, and give it to myself. That sometimes meant literally going on a date with myself, having movie night with myself, treating myself to ice cream....(you guessed it)...with myself. This got me in the habit of being my own best friend, caretaker of me, and protector of me rather than looking for others to fill those roles.

Mistral: I am also new to this message board, and I can relate to your post a lot. Especially the part about being sad that he chose alcohol over you. I am so new to this world, but from what I have gathered tonight, we have to remember it is a disease and that they aren't really choosing the alcohol over us (just as pinkchip said)...though it certainly does feel that way! good luck with everything. I am so glad I found this place, and that you have found it too.