I have been still reading this board and its like I am seeing I am settling for less than I deserve. I find I have a hard time accepting that my abf has been legally married and divorced 3 times and now he wants us to get married. I just can not let go of the fact he has been legally married and divorced 3 times already. I have been legally married and divorce twice myself. I just do not want to get married to him. Yet some days I want to. Its back and forth. yes/no yes/no. I know I do not need to rush into this decision. I see his selfishness and being distant. I feel I give and give to him and receive nothing back from him. Its a one way street and I have started to distance myself as well. I feel I am with him for business purpose only. We have a house together. Some days I feel I love him other days I can not trust nor believe anything he says. He has been in contact with his ex-wife, ex-gf and a few weeks ago, met a woman at the bar and she drove him home. I flipped. His actions make me see who he is and I say to myself do I deserve this...and the answer is NO. I can not trust him. When he goes on a drinking binge, he contacts his ex's or meet woman at the bar. I have to start getting out too and meeting people so I am no isolated and get my needs met. Get some attention so I am not trying to get it from Abf. I now see he is incapable of giving me what I want and need. There is so many red flags and I still remain committed to him. I went on a dating site and did talk to some men and it was nice to know there are other men out there. This made me see I am settling for less than I deserve and I am angry at myself. How do i get out of this mess I created by moving in with him and  putting my name on the title of his house. I feel stuck. I have told him I will not marry him unless he gets sober. He said lets get married in November of this year. I said only if you work on sobriety and help me with the wedding. That shuts him off. He gets on the religious kick and reads the bible and preaches and when he gets into that mind set he says we have to get married. We have to right away. I just go back to what I had said before, get sober first and help me with wedding. He also insistent he wants to become a preacher. He was sober for 14 years prior and had become a strong christian. He knows the bible verses so well. He talks a good talk for sure but there is no action behind his talk. I am working on just letting go of what he says, its BULLSHIT and focus on his actions. Which is work, drink, woman....round and round...he is not ready to commit to marriage. I can see that so strong now. I believe he believes if he can get me to legally marry him, then I will stay and he can use me as his sounding board, where he can throw up his anger, hurts, guilt, shame, guilt, ect on from his drinking and I will not leave. I would become a safe place for him to throw his vomit on so he can go out into the world and be the Greatest Man in the World! I will not allow this to happen. I have to work on WALKING AWAY when he starts into his self pity, anger, negative thinking, acting out, alcohol use, ect. I am working on it! He is working out of town now and is in camp, so I am happy to be alone. He will be off work for 4 days and then will be going back to work for 4 days or 11 days. I think this relationship works for me for now because I get to have time alone from him. I am trying to think, ONE DAY AT A TIME!   

Thanks for letting me share.