The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Responsible = I want to be able to respond, not react.
We are ultimately responsible for how we perceive and react to what we are exposed to and hear. If we react too quickly, then we sometimes end up saying and/or doing things in response, that we are sorry for later. You know, that feeling that during or after an argument, things feel more out of control than ever. I know that when my AH becomes unreasonable and abusive, sensing that there is an argument ready to erupt, Ill stop, watch and listen (kinda like making sure there is no traffic in the road before I cross) and if I surmise there could be a problem if I respond, Ill tell him that this is not a good time and remove myself from the room or even get in the car and go for a ride. It took Al-anon to teach me this, because before, I thought it was my fault that we were arguing and it was because I was a bad person that I deserved the verbal abuse. I had no idea it was alcoholism, I had never been exposed to an alcoholic before. It is my responsibility to maintain my peace, dignity and serenity. Detaching is extremely handy during these times. My AHs problem is his own, and I will not allow him to suck me into his vicious cycle of drinking and abuse. He is responsible for his own decisions and actions. That old saying . Not my monkey, not my circus, comes to mind.
Have a great day!
-- Edited by Debb on Monday 31st of August 2015 05:53:38 AM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Debb, thank you for this today. How right you are about this...it took me forever to learn to walk away...but I dont always..sometimes I always have to get my 2 cents in on an argument.. if he is sober or not (isnt that just a woman thing?)
It would not have mattered if you had been exposed to it before or not, unless of course you had gone into al anon prior. it is a vicious cycle, and people like me the codependent are drawn to it. I wish I had gone to al anon years ago, someone had suggested it to me and I didnt think I needed it...how wrong I was.
Thanks for this post Debb. I must admit that I always thought I was a responsible person, kind, generous and beyond reproach. I also thought that I was such a quick thinker that I was able to know the answers instantly and could respond quickly to any situation.
Not so says Al-Anon. You are not being responsible when you act in such a fashion. You are being reactive and reacting is not a healthy way to respond to life.
This confused me tremendously until I worked the steps particularly four through 10 and I learned, to listen with an open mind, to allow others to have an opinion different than my own, and then I could process information and respond in a healthy fashion, instead of reacting from old tapes.
Sometimes, I can feel myself going to react instantly in a negative fashion, I then take a deep breath, remind myself that these ancient ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts),do always fly over my head , but that they are not valid for communication purposes. I need to process information as a responsible adult and respond in an informed manner.
Great topic and great post. I love the 'Not my circus, not my monkey' thought/saying. It's so easy to understand and deploy in my world....I have to say that I too used to think I was wise and helpful and knowledgeable and ... I took pride in answering things fast, before others and believe it was a defense mechanism as it's difficult in my home to get any words out, let alone heard.
Al-Anon taught me that trying to respond, react or even reason with my qualifiers is often not worth 'it'. So, often, my response is a nod, a uh-hum, a you may be right....only because I've learned that mine like to bait me and argue for sport.
When there is drama/chaos here, I am the one who suffers the most and the longest. That's because they are truly not invested in the present, and often are distracted by their disease. So, any response I have is best served with no reaction and very little verbal response. This was very hard in the beginning as I'm a vocal person most of the time. However, as I've opted out of the fishing expeditions in my home, the home has become far more peaceful. I've found better ways to spend my time/energy and so have they.
So, for me, acting responsibly often means not taking the bait and just reminding myself that I love my As, but hate this disease. Thanks for the thought-provoking post - helps me remember how far I've come and how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease really is!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for posting this Debb. Just joined today and needed a friendly reminder of what it means to be responsible. Despite the headaches I come home to, I will not react with negativity but will instead respond with kindness. Looking forward to future bits of inspiration!
