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My AH has been working his program for a little over 90 days. I thought everything has been getting more positive over the last few weeks. We even made love which hasnt happened in over 90 days. We were starting to enjoy eachother's company again....until last night when I stumbled upon his supply of beer, in his truck! I calmly asked him "when did you start drinking again?" He admitted that he has one or two every few days or when visiting friends offer him one. I am beyond disappointed in myself for not seeing this sooner.
He's defense was that he hasn't gotten passed out drunk or wasted....that I hadn't noticed that he had been drinking. ...which, in his opinion, makes it ok.
Sigh
Hugs .. keep coming back .. that's why it's so important to stay close to our own programs .. he's going to drink or not drink .. what are you going to do!?
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When active, the disease flies in the face of reason. I'm sure he might be able to scale back for a bit, but not for long...guaranteed. Alcoholism is only arrested by total abstinence. Regardless, his drinking is on him. You are not the drinking police. Yeah it's dissappointing but none of it is your fault. It's jard enough without beating up on yourself. Be gentle with yourself!
So sorry for your pain and feelings over this. I've been through more relapses with my qualifiers than I can count and while it's never easy to accept, it is possible. Only because I have this program and a great sponsor, I know when this happens that I have to take care of me and let them walk their path - no matter where it leads.
Please do what you can to take care care of you and work your program. The best step you can take for him is to pray and stay out of the way...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone for your responses. I am still considering what I want to do with this information...it's hard to detach because detaching will not save my children's lives should he decide to drink and drive with them in the car again....detaching will not allow us to work on our marriage as it forced us to divide in order to conquer....detaching doesn't sound any different then seperation which I'm not sure my heart is ready for....can you tell that I am having trouble with detaching?
I had typed up a whole long response earlier this morning then somehow hit the back button and lost it!
I just wanted to come and say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can empathize. My AH had a relapse around the same time frame in his recovery...I think he had 79 days sober when he relapsed at a wedding and kept drinking another 5 days after that. I knew about the wedding incident but not that he'd continued to drink following it, as he hid that from me and I only found out by accident when I stumbled upon empty bottles. He had a similar attitude of "I figured if you didn't find out it would be OK" which made me realized he wasn't committed to recovery and the program for himself, he was doing it mainly to appease me. I am wondering if your husband might be in a similar mindset? It took hitting another "bottom" for my AH to recommit to the program and do it for himself this time (that bottom was getting really drunk and biking to an AA meeting which he could barely handle in his state, then feeling too drunk to bike home, and I refused to come pick him up, so he sat in an empty church basement for hours trying to sober up before he could ride home in the middle of the night.) Since recommitting and REALLY working the program (he has volunteered to do service and gotten himself a sponsor) he now has 31 days of sobriety. It is still not easy, every day is a struggle, he's depressed, etc, but we're trying to have hope.
I know it's incredibly hard to speak rationally with an alcoholic, but I have found my AH has been a bit easier to talk to since he's been working the program. Does it seem like your husband might be receptive to you explaining why any alcohol at all is still an issue for you? Only you can know what his reaction will be like and whether that would be fruitful or not. ETA: A good time to utilize "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean!"
Meanwhile, keep working your program. Detaching is HARD when your lives are so intertwined. You don't have to do anything with this information right now if you don't want to, aside from whatever you need to do to make sure your kids are safe. Given a bit more time your answers may become clear.
-- Edited by RealitySucker on Monday 31st of August 2015 12:19:16 PM
-- Edited by RealitySucker on Monday 31st of August 2015 12:55:48 PM
