The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have been feeling upset that my A boyfriend has been depressed and won't seem to get out of it. I have to try to remember that with our relationship in particular it must be difficult at times and he has told me because it is all really new to him because of years he was an Alcoholic and didn't deal with life. He is 71 now which I knew the difficulties of dating someone older but he has just gotten more depressed in the past several months.
So for so many years from ages 18 to 41 through several marriages he just basically 'numbed' himself from all feelings through alcohol and valium. Then he struggled to get sober so for so many years after that he had a very hard life. And then for 16 yrs thought he should live basically like a loner so it would be easier to stay sober. When I think of it that way it makes more sense the reason why he can't handle some discussions we have even though they are not arguments at all. He has never had them and admitted it.
Because of Al-Anon I have learned to try and avoid unnecessary topics especially ones that I already know the answer to or ones that he will just give me a negative answer to. It is all too frustrating.
When you think of it in those terms it is so sad to think of someone losing so much of their life to Alcohol. :(
It is indeed sad and that is the reason that we must make sure we do not do the same .
Keeping the focus on ourselves, living one day at a time, trusting HP, we will live life on life's terms with courage, serenity and wisdom.
Catlover, it is very sad indeed that so much of ones life has wasted in
addiction, but AA and Al-anon does give us hope. Betty is so right,
keep the focus on yourself and keep working the program. Sounds
to me that you are finding some understanding and empathy and
peace for yourself.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I still see you working way harder to make sense of him than yourself. Can you accept him the way he is and let go? Focus on you. Try not to obsess on h8s moods and why he is the way he is. I'm saying this out of concern because I used to do the same thing in all relationships and it was really hurtful to myself because it was all energy spent on changing things and people that I couldn't. It made me miserable.
One mind change I made after getting active in Al-Anon was, "why am I spending more energy/effort on their life/future than they are?" That was a game-changer for me. I am not getting any younger, and have spent more time than I should worrying about other people. For me, I've come to realize that my HP wants me to be a happy person. In spite of the cards I've been dealt, it's my choice/my job to hold them, fold them or play on.
Getting active in the Al-Anon program and putting myself first has been a life-saving step for me. Learning how to set healthy boundaries, and feel empathy instead of pity/worry has been a huge gift. I no longer spend my energy and time worrying about what they are doing or not doing, I'm focused on what I can do today/this week to make my life better or be of service to others.
While doing something different, and for you only seems foreign or hard, it's certainly worth it. So sorry that he's in a state, but please take care you what you can control - you! You are worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
