The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading a lot about alcoholism and I have been pondering why do I stay with ABF and not move on...I was in deep thought today and the answer came to me like this...I am not afraid of being alone, living alone...in fact I enjoy living alone and spending time alone. What I am afraid of is men and them being abused again. With bf despite him being an alcoholic he has not physically attached me like former men I had been with. I feel safe. All my life since childhood I have had men beat to so badly I was just about killed. I have suffered a lot of bruises and beatings. It all started with my stepfather trying to kill me three times before I can remember. Yes, kill me. I have had to come to terms with that. Then I witnessed severe abuse for years. Then when I was with my first bf serious live in, the abuse was so bad he just about killed me. the others in caparison were minor beatings till almost 3 years ago, a bf just about killed me too. I was able to get out of each relationship and the police did get involved in some incidents and charged were laid and some did do jail time. Was extreme yes and I am grateful to be alive today! So this is one reason why I have not left bf, i am not scared out of my mind of being physically beaten. There are other reasons but they have not entered my awareness yet. Will share once they do. Now that this reason has entered my mind what am I to do with it...
(((Joker))) I am sure I'm glad you're alive today as well! What a powerful insight HP has given you and I'm glad you shared it with us. Listening to the still small voice within has been a wonderful gift of this program because my HP speaks to me gently d at these times.
It is great that you're not afraid of being alone and can be self-sufficient so I would like to assure you that if you are attending Al-Anon meetings , using the tools, you are not the same person that you were several years ago when these terrible events occurred.
You now have new constructive tools to live by and these will serve you well in whatever interaction you have going forward. Trust the process, work the steps, use your sponsor and keep coming back. You deserve to be happy and to have a successful
That may be a good insight. Also, as long as they are not violent, alcoholics pull for you to control them and manage their life. I could also see how that could feel "safe" in a way too. Dating a man that is childlike in functioning could seem less threatening.
And of course this holds true for most of us: Dating someone with more problems than us takes the attention away from us and painful things we may need to work on, but are scared to.
Wow you have been through so much. The way I see it though, you did find your current BF and besides being an alcoholic he is not abusive, so what's to say that if you did leave him, you wouldn't find someone who is not abusive and who is not an alcoholic? It's really and odds game. I'm not telling you to do this or that, of course only you can decide what you want to live with, but you do deserve to be happy and safe. It sounds like you are doing a lot of soul searching and I'm sure you will find some peace :) Keep coming back!
-- Edited by Fairlee on Sunday 30th of August 2015 06:17:06 PM
Pinkchip I love that you said they are childish.I read somewhere that the age that an addict begins using in earnest is an age they will be frozen in. If that's the case my 55 year old AH is around 9.
What a 'great reveal' you have! All I can tell you is that you learn from it. How? My sponsor would suggest that I write about it, talk about it and pray about it. That's her solution (and it works) when I run into things that either bother me or baffle me.....
I can say that I agree with the statement, when we know better, we do better. I first heard that watching Dr. Phil and thought, yeah - right....unless they are alcoholic. Then it doesn't always apply! But, my experience in recovery with an active program is once we have awareness, we can do different/better/saner.
You are a survivor. You have come through so much and are still upright. I say that HP wants you to be happy - thus the 'planting of this seed' in your thoughts. Love yourself enough to find a friend/partner/boyfriend who treats you like a queen! You, like us all, deserve that and more. I will never settle again - it's just not a part of my program plan where I expect to be serene and happy.
(((Hugs))).
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
