The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here. I have been trying to find the courage to look for an online group for a very long time now. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father found sobriety, which saved our family. My sister battled alcoholism and found AA, which has helped to save her own family. I married a man whom I love dearly. He is not a violent alcoholic. He has never harmed me and is not verbally abusive. I realize I have it pretty "good" when compared to others. I struggled with wondering if he was an alcoholic for a long time. He drinks almost every day, sometimes only a few beers, but 1-2 times per week he drinks a lot. The stronger drinks are what bothers me. He just becomes a different person. Not a mean person, just a different person that I don't enjoy being around. He becomes slurry and animated. My son who is 18 is starting to notice and will ask me how much he has had to drink. When he is like this he has more romantic interest in me, and I am turned off. Is this a bad thing? I have tried talking with him in a nice way to let him know that I am not attracted to him when he is like this. I realize I can't expect him to change for me. He has to want it for himself. My question is, how do I get it to stop affecting me? Especially when he shows more interest in me when he's like this and I just want to be left alone. I have struggled with this for a long time. We have a pretty normal family life most of the time, and he has gone without drinking. My family does not drink because of my father's past so when we visit them we do not drink. My husband is okay with this and is still able to have fun without the drinks. I do notice a pattern when he has worked a lot of extra over time without a day off------he will definitely do more binge drinking in these instances. He comes from a family of drinkers. I don't believe he'll ever stop, and I want to be able to accept this. He is a good hearted man, and I know he loves me and the kids dearly. He does not drink and drive, run around, go to bars, etc. How do I move on and not let his at home drinking affect me? There are so many people out there who are dealing with much bigger struggles than me. I just want to be able to find a way to find peace with all of this.......
Try not to minimize the alcoholism and what it does. With that said, all the answers to your questions lie within attending and working a program in alanon.
My Ah comes from a family of drinkers. When his liver started to go and was told he shouldn't drink anymore, his family's reaction was what a shame he can't drink. I was blown away because no one in my family drank. I think alcohol is one of the worst addictions out there because it is socially acceptable and encouraged. I do wish you peace because isn't that what we all really want in life?
Hi Cammi, I understand very much what it's like. I wish I'd started Al-Anon meetings sooner, but am grateful I started when I did. When I was in the worst of it, just saying "One day at a time" helped me.
In my case, too, when my husband drank, it wasn't violent, it was at first just embarrassing (my problem). It progressed to personality changes just enough to make me feel something wasn't right but I couldn't quite describe it. You described it well, "just a different person that I don't enjoy being around." Next it made family gatherings uncomfortable, and finally led to his physical health problems that changed our lives dramatically, and he ultimately -- after several years of poor health -- passed away. I don't mean to be scary, just to say what happened in my life.
I think the best way to learn to find peace would be personal contact with other Al-Anons who have been in a similar situation, and of course reading literature to better understand alcoholism as a disease and how family members can find serenity in the face of alcoholism. I hope you can find face-to-face meetings, or try online meetings or telephone meetings. Consider trying several meetings, as is recommended, because each one is different, and you might meet someone who has coped with your same situation. That's what happened for me.
If you enjoy reading, just get hold of any one of the Al-Anon books to start.
Welcome to MIP Cammi,I do believe that I found peace with my feelings regarding my husband's drinking,when I truly accepted the fact that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive disease that could be arrested and never cured.
It presents itself in a different manner in different people and the fact of the matter is that it is a disease over which we are powerless.
Living with the disease we too become affected and require a program of recovery of our own. Al-Anon is that program. It is here that I learned to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, developed new constructive tools to live by and found my self-esteem and self-worth restored. The hotline number for Al-Anon face-to-face meetings is found in the white pages and I urge you to investigate this powerful tool.
Hi Cammi45 and welcome to MIP. I can relate to most of what you wrote, and I want to say right off the bat that just because your husband isn't violent doesn't make your issues insignificant. If anything it makes it that much more difficult for you to make decisions about where to draw boundaries, and I understand what that's like. My ex wife was not a mean person, I described her as a happy drunk who liked to party. She was very likable and held down a full time job. At first there weren't any problems, but looking back I think I realize now that I simply minimized the red flags that were obviously there. And when you mention how your husband has more romantic interest in you when he's drunk, and you find it a turnoff, I know exactly what you mean. And no I don't think there's anything wrong at all by being turned off by it.
If you can find a local face to face meeting in your area, I really recommend giving it a shot. I was told half a dozen times that I should try it and said nah, I don't need it. I'm fine and my wife doesn't have a problem. I finally went just to prove to myself that this was true. It turns out that I was wrong. And I've never been so glad to be so wrong.
Please keep coming back :) You're not alone and help is out there when you need it.
Hi Cammi! So glad you found MIP! I can relate to your post - sounds very much like my AH except we are probably further down the road in his disease and it has progressed to him drinking everyday, all day. He has been warned by doctors to stop, due to liver problems, but I don't think he can stop and so far he has not hit rock bottom hard enough to seek out help. He is in a lot of denial and has a lot of pride. Anyway, I totally understand how alcohol changes who your AH is...I see less and less of the person that I married. It's heart breaking. My AH doesn't realize that our teenage kids notice the difference in him - in his mind he thinks he is fooling everyone about his drinking. I digress. Everyone so far has posted great advice. Al Anon is a great way to work on ourselves, because we just can't depend on the A changing. It has to be us that changes and it is a hard process. I do well, and then get blindsided and find myself right back where I was, but these episodes are getting less and less as I spend more time working my program. Best of luck to you and keep coming back!
So glad you are here - welcome to MIP! So glad you found your courage to share.
I believe everyone above me has given some great suggestions. This program is great and worth a look! I sure hope you join us for this journey - there is so much I learned about the disease and myself by becoming active in Al-Anon. It's been well worth the investment and work and my life is so much better/different in recovery than before!
You are not alone - we're here and just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much everyone for your responses! Even though I knew I wasn't alone, it feels good to verify it:) I am definitely trying to take it one day at a time. Reaching out to all of you was my first step in trying to get help. I have tried to deal with this on my own for so long that I just reached a breaking point finally. I don't know that I am ready to meet people face to face yet, but I may try an online meeting for now, and of course I will keep coming back here. I definitely like to read so if anyone has a suggestion as to a book that really helped him or her please let me know. I already have Courage to Change, because it was given to me when my family was dealing with my sister going through some really tough episodes. Thank you once again. You are all very caring individuals, and you have touched my heart with your responses.
"Alanon Faces Alcoholism " and "When I got Busy I got Better" are two of my favorites as well as the bookmark:" Just for Today"
They are from the list of alanon conference approved literature.
Keep coming back our on line meetings 2xs a day are fantastic
I like "How Al-Anon Works." It is a long book but it covers a lot and you can read a few pages at a time. I also just found "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence" by Ketcham and Milam ... not conference approved but very program-friendly and science based. They helped me gain some empathy for the alcoholic.
Cammi-
Several years ago I could have written this same thing, with the exception that I did not grow up with alcoholism, so the awareness was not there. Drinking more than 3 beers, my A's personality would change. First, into someone I didn't like as if I was back in college. Then, after just a few beers would challenge me into a fight. At this point she recognized it within herself and really worked to try to change. Fast forward about 8 years...it has progressively gotten worse. It's now hard liquor, and the fights and denial I dealt with brought me to Al-anon. At first, I didn't think I was the one with the disease. I wanted to get my A to realize that the drinking is getting worse and she needs help. I came to discover through meetings, readings and my own self discovery and awareness that I'm in need of recovery, too. I cannot change my A but I can change myself. My A would also want sex while drinking and it turned me off, too. It started a whole round of fights and now we aren't intimidate anymore. I want what we had when we were first together. The lovable, kind, generous person I married is long gone. Now I have a very defensive, argumentative, self-centered person living with me, whom I do not know anymore. I grieve for that person. It's hard. This disease is ugly. It's progressive and deadly. I thank God for al-anon because I know without it I would be in a deep depression and not have the help, acceptance, and understanding I need in order to cope. It was not bad at first. But it could get worse as the disease progresses. Each A is different, and the progression doesn't follow a set of steps. It is a baffling disease. Hugs to you as you go through this with your A. This group is wonderful. Please keep coming back.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
The books courage to change, one day at a time, hope for today are my favorite 3 daily readers we use in my face to face meetings. The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is another that I found early in my program that helped explain so much of my life to me. Keep coming back! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
