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Since I have been in contact with alanon I have learned that expectations were not necessarily good (leads to resentments). But surely I should be able to expect some degree of communication and cooperation from my a husband? Am I right to think I need to learn more about setting boundaries? If so, where and how can I do that? Unfortunately there are no face to face meetings in our area.
I too have had difficulty in this area. I found that my boundaries were really expectations. I had to set personal boundaries. Instead of expecting him to bring his paycheck home I made a rule of no drugs in the house.
When I have expectations about my A I am disappointed every time. For me expectations are sometimes controlling in that I want him to make it turn out right for me. Boundaries help us accept reality without diminishing ourselves. A's don't seem to have very good people skills. When they are non-communicative, that really is their way of communicating. I have screamed for years "talk to me" and he says "I don't have anything to say". And I am the one who is disappointed so I need to take a look at my expectations. Pia Mellody has books about codependency and setting boundaries. They have been a big help to me.
Boundaries are about OUR behaviour, expectations are about theirs.
For me, one was "If I catch you smoking crack in front of the kids, I will leave you" He knew I would, too, and he never did. If I had said "You need to stop smoking crack" it would not have worked, as he knew I could never enforce it, he could lie about what he was doing, I would probably cave if it came right down to it.
A boundary has to be something that you know you have the strength to stand by - "I will not ride in the car with you when you are driving drunk". It may be small, but it is YOURS - a rule about your own behaviour, and what you will and will not accept. "If you don't show up on time, I will go without you".
Well I think boundaries can be empowered by low expectations. We have to start with the 3 lb weight rather than the 300 lb weight. I think my expectations in relationships were very big because I got so little as a child. I wanted someone to make it up to me and to give me what I did not have.
My boundaries and expectations have to be geared for me too. When I expect to make huge jumps in my behavior and to turn over certain things quickly I am setting myself up to fail.
I do try to set up expectations at work that I will be responsible and get there on time and do a good job. Before my expectations were that I do a superhuman job.
Last night at the meeting here there were some great shares about being civil even in the middle of tremendous provocation. A's can be tremendously provocative.
I have to choose my expectations carefully in relation to the A - not to be lied to for example. I think an A will probably lie while he is using so why set up that expectation.
I tend to be way way over involved with others and under invovled with me. These days I try to set up expectations for me that I do better on my self care. That helps. I don't expect to be fit and healthy overnight but I do want my life to run smoothly. That means I set down boundaries about what gives in my house. I am part of this house.
I hope my expectations and boundaries will grow over time as I have more experience of doing them. I also know that when I am firm with the A about them and respectful he responds differently than when I am screaming the place down.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Learning about boundaries was so important for me. It was not a part of my upbringing; and so people I chose to be with as an adult similarly were not positive role models for setting and maintaining boundaries.
Personally, I found the book by Townsend and I think his co-author is Cloud, that was very helpful. It was a bit too fundamental Christian,rather than just spiritual, to be a perfect fit for me, yet it was well written and specific enough to help me learn some beginning basics. From there I used those concepts to "surf" the internet, and I raised the issue at f2f meetings, where wisdom was shared.
The good news is that I have gotten so much better at setting and maintaining boundaries in just the past 2 years. And 2 keys for me was recognizing the areas where I needed to set the boundaries and then learning to do so from a position of detachment and serenity rather than from -- well, I think I was feeling kind of defensive when I first started setting boundaries, and that attitude pretty much got in my way from people being able to hear me. But for me it was part of the process of learning how to take the 1st and then the 2nd, and each step along the way toward setting effective boundaries. I had to do it wrong before I could start doing it better. And so I had to give myself permission to stumble and fall over myself as part of my learning process. But, WOW, life is so much more enjoyable, and so much easier, the better I get at this boundary thing. I wish I'd known it from day one, rather than several decades later.
