The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I stumbled across this today, thought I should share it..
If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think because the way you think determines how you feel and the way you act.
If you want to change your life, change what you are thinking about. This involves a deliberate conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things. What is the result of not worrying, praying about everything, giving thanks and focusing on the right things? In the Bible, Paul says we will then experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds.
( Sorry to those who may not believe in God, no offense intended)
I experienced a situation today in which my husband forgot that it is my bowling night. Last night I told him that I put ribs in the fridge for THURSDAY, for him to put on the smoker for dinner.
He starts cooking them tonight ( even though a calendar is on the fridge with BOWLING on todays date). I texted him a reminder when I was able to, after I got off work and before I headed to the bowling alley.
He of course was MAD and saying he wasted his time making dinner for nothing. I did my normal defending myself, reminding him that I did tell him Thursday and that it was on the calendar..of course, he does not remember
that I told him that. After falling into my normal pattern of telling I have had that experience when he didnt want to eat after I cooked, he didnt remember that either. He continued on with saying I am full of BS and being angry but I finally wised up and quit texting him.
I know I was wrong to fall back into the usual defense mode, but at least I was able to make the best of the bowling night. I normally would let it tear me up. I did not let it ruin my mood and I wasnt even scared of what I would come home to for once. I told myself I was not the one in the wrong and that it isnt a big deal. They will taste good warmed up tomorrow!
Anyhow, I am wondering how I could have handled things better. I wanted to tell him he cant remember cause he was drunk but I refrained. I come home to a quiet house..he is passed out in bed. *sigh*
-- Edited by carewithann on Wednesday 26th of August 2015 10:17:19 PM
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"Feelings are never right or wrong, it is how you act on them."- Unknown
Detach and do not take what your AH says to you personally (QTIP) very useful tools. Your perspective is one where you did the best you could, in hindsight, and if AH has a problem with processing information, it is his problem not yours. Try to avoid, the who is wrong interaction, because you will not win and only be left feeling bad about how you reacted. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Ann you did fine Remember that engaging instead of detaching is usually a mine field.
I have found that acknowledging the effort without blaming or justifying works for me. He was upset because he wasted his time so a simple:"It sounds as if you went to a lot of trouble-- sorry I had other plans" works for me. Progress not perfection
Ann - I also think you did just fine. Catching myself reacting and doing redirection was a great way to progress, which is all we are after.
In time and with practice, you'll be able to see and do exactly what Betty and Debb describe. I've come to realize that even when the facts are obvious to me, my truth rarely aligns with my qualifiers. It's not that they 'choose' to hear different than stated, it's the disease in them.
As I got better at detaching, I got better at QTIP. As I learned about the disease, it became easier to separate my person(s) from the disease. Communication here has gotten even more challenging as my AH not only is active with this disease - he's not able to hear (years of working in loud conditions) very well and he had bypass surgery a while ago (one side affect is short-term memory loss). So, I have just come to realize he won't remember most things I say, and won't write things down is bothered when I repeat myself...
My solution - if it is important to me, I write it down and put it into his drawer or I send an email/text message instead. It's far, far, far from perfect but it's a different action I am taking to preserve my peace.
You are doing great though - just keep working your program and that which now is new will become familiar and automatic with practice and time.
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
