The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It just becomes so frustrating. I am dating an A that is 15 yrs older than me. He has been sober 30 years and told me he was in AA for 10yrs. He 'talks a good talk' about the 12 steps and working to have serenity in his life but for the most part he doesn't practice it. For several months his depression has gotten worse. It could be his medication but he doesn't trust the VA to tell them much about his symptoms. I know it is a good thing I am in his life because I think I am the only one he will trust to tell how he is really feeling. But Oh, that has it's down side.
I try to suggest anything to get him out of his 'slump' but I had to stop that for my own serenity because he won't take any of my suggestions. He believes his life will only go downhill from here. Partly because he has a lot of stress from worrying and doing things for his 97 yr old aunt and 94 yr old mother in the nursing home. I don't believe at 71 you just give up like that. How much is he just making his life worse by having a mindset like that? But this is all so contradictory to what he KNOWS the 12 steps taught him. I have depression and have been so down that I couldn't find my way out either. So I guess I need to realize that he must be in that state.
But he admitted to me that he doesn't have a life. That for about 30 yrs he lost it to alcohol, being in rehab and struggling to remain sober. And now he thinks this should be his time. But why doesn't he make the best of time he has? It becomes real confusing in the way he thinks and I have to work hard to keep myself from being caught up in it.
He just wants me to realize that for the two of us that I can't expect it to get any better and I think he worries that I shouldn't have to go through all of this with him. So what do I do? About a month ago I started seeing him only once a week and I think I will need to do that this week at least if not more. I can go to my f2f meetings and my counselor this week and try not to worry about all of this. But we both love each other and he doesn't want me to leave him.
It is all just so sad. So terribly sad to see him think his life could be over.
Note: I wanted to clarify something. When he says 'Don't expect it to get better between the two of us' that is something that is hard to explain. He has ptsd also so he can be a very doomsday type of person about his life and America. He's not the type to make promises to me when he doesn't know what his future will be like and I think he is trying to protect me not make me want to leave. I have asked him straight out if I should still come over to see him and he doesn't want that.
I'm just so glad I have here to come to and my f2f meetings. What a God send!!
-- Edited by catlover26 on Monday 24th of August 2015 10:30:28 AM
Hugs to you catlover. Glad you are going to meetings.
They will help you on your road to your recovery.
My xah has been dry for 30 years too. He does not suffer
From depression though. Just the progression of his
Disease. I have had to hand him over not much else
I Could do. He can walk whatever path he chooses.
My xah seemed to embrace his darkside a number of
Years ago and our Marriage went downhill fast. He no
Longer is the man i married. That man is dead to me.
This guy i do not know and he attends AA. He has a lot
Of demons to slay. There is or was nothing i could do to
Change or help the situation. This is his journey not
Mine.
Still it hurts a lot. One day to a time. God loves me and
Has my back as i move thru my recovery.
My AW have severe anxiety and depression, and I really struggled in the past to know what part or how much of her actions are caused by that, and how much by the disease.
My program has really helped me to let go of the why of what she is doing and to focus on the what of her actions. Still, it is not easy, and I often find myself making excuses for her behavior because of this, that, or the other thing. I am getting a bit better at catching myself when I find myself justifying her actions, but it is a process, and one I do my best to take one day at a time.
I am so glad that you have f2f meetings, and MIP as well. That combination has been very important for me in my journey.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi catlover I have found that the more I focus on the alcoholic, offer suggestions as to how they should handle their lives, the more I neglected myself and my own precious serenity.
Alanon stresses the importance of focusing on ourselves and allowing others to do likewise. I have had to make " Live and let live" my motto because I am powerless over others and their choices.
If you choose to stay with this relationship, it is important for you to take special care of yourself, validate your needs and wants and allow him to do likewise. Hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle.
Life on life's terms is a gift I give myself each day. Please keep attending f2f meetings and coming back here.
I will continue my f2f meeting and coming back here. I really don't have anyone else to talk to that understands. I don't want to end the relationship for several reasons. We have had a few weeks when he has been happier and closer to his 'old' self. But then he drifts back into this depressed state. I do tell myself I have to be realistic and some day I may want to end it because it may become too much to take.
I do realize it is 'toxic' for me to be around a lot when he is like this. Before Al-Anon I would wait a few days and go back to check on him to see if he was better. He may or may not be. It became a bad cycle and led to some insanity behavior on my part as he would try to suck me into his bad moods.
Now I am going to try keeping my distance some when he is in these moods. The other night he said something irrational that didn't even pertain to the conversation how we were so different from each other. He says he doesn't mean that in a bad way but I have told him there is no point in bringing it up. I have sat there before and listened to that crap but this time I told him I was going to take a walk. That time his brother came by and shortened that conversation because I think I might have to just start leaving when he starts talking and turning the discussion whether he realizes it or not into something I find hurtful.
His Alcoholism and isolation from other people after he became sober makes him lacking in some communication skills at times. He has come a long way in some aspects of our relationship. It has taken a lot of patience on my part.
I appreciate all of your replies.
-- Edited by catlover26 on Monday 24th of August 2015 04:05:22 PM
CL26, so happy you are attending Al-anon f2f meeting!! There you will really get the hands on support that you need right now. I can totally understand the anxiety you are expressing, and hope that the Al-Anon tools, slogans, prayers and meditations help to guide to a more peaceful approach to your AB's depression. It sounds as if you are finding your relationship, as you put it, "toxic" so I believe that Al-Anon should help you.
Have you worked the 12 steps and traditions?
Please continue to come back and talk to us and let us know how you are doing! {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
CL26 - so sorry for where you are with him and his disease(s). My path has taught me that true mental health issues are not 'chosen' - they are as real as rain for those who suffer. My thoughts and prayers are with you both...
When I focus on me, I am much more empathetic to others and what they are going through. When I focus on them, or outward in general, I loose my focus, my patience and my tolerance for what's going on with others. I can't explain exactly how it works but it does, and so I choose me, each day, beginning when I get out of bed.
This program has given me tools, literature, friends and meetings to help me be a better me. My life goes so much better when I can just stay focused on what I should do and let the rest fall into place around me. It's such a wonderful gift that keeps working for me, so I'll keep doing what I'm doing.
Perhaps my best advice is for you to consider a sponsor and some step work. The steps truly set the stage for growth for me, and gave me a new set of eyes to see the world, those around me and my small piece of it.
(((Hugs))) to you both - it's not easy living with this disease but recovery is possible. Know that we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just make sure you don't turn him, his moods, his stage of life, or his negative outlook into your problems or your project to fix. Make sure you are enjoying this relationship and are not suffering through it. At 56, you have a lot of life in front of you and if you are gonna date a 71 year old, why not one that enjoys life rather than curses it? Not telling you to break it off. Just pay attention to your needs and if they are being met. You come first in your own life. He doesn't "need" you and you can't make him into a different person. His depression, PTSD, ailing relatives don't give him a free pass to be a total drag that causes you more pain than enjoyment in life. You have your own moods and life issues and you handle your right? Sounds like his "dont expect it to get better" speech is also him telling you who he is and that he isn't changing, but you don't want to believe it.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 24th of August 2015 07:20:12 PM
