The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 30 yrs of marriage to a man who has been drinking till he passes out everyday for 12 years, I often contemplate leaving him for awhile to give him a wake up call, that I cannot live like this anymore and that he needs to at least cut back on his drinking. Frankly, he was very much the way he is now with the blaming, etc even before he was a daily drinker. The difference is, he drinks and passes out instead of going off on me about things. I have found that he is actually easier to live with as a drunk most of the time.
Unfortunately, it has been a trade off. Because he drinks and passes out, I am unable to discuss things with him, he doesn't ask me about my day and we are mostly just room mates..with the exception of him expecting me
to take care of "wifely duties" so to speak. This absolutely does NOTHING for me. He gets pissy if I dont give in to sex. I have told him that I dont feel like it when he smells like his whiskey. It is a big turn off.
I often tell myself its better to be lonely with a good paycheck ( his) than to be single, lonely and working two jobs to make ends meet.
How do I know what is the right thing to do? Society dictates that they have to hit rock bottom for them to want to change...I know I cannot force him to get help, or change...but is it necessary for me to give him a wake up call by leaving? At this point, I feel like it is the only way for him to realize that my needs are not being met ...he doesn't seem to really care otherwise and I have so much trouble working up the nerve to discuss things. Its never the "right" time.
Is it a cop out to write him a letter to read when he is sober? He is drinking when I get home from work and I am afraid to bring things up on the weekend mornings because I would have to deal with him being the martyr and saying how terrible he is for the rest of the weekend, not to mention blaming me.
I have been in this dilemma for years, most of the time I just focus on doing my own thing which makes me feel guilty because married couples should do things together right?
Married but feeling so alone and unimportant..
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"Feelings are never right or wrong, it is how you act on them."- Unknown
Feeling alone and unimportant in a marriage is not an ok situation but the good news is that you have the freedom to choose what is right for you at this moment in time.
Feeling conflicted about whether to stay or go is a ghastly - I've spent way too much time in that no-mans-land! I've lent on the phrase 'when in doubt, don't' and I have also allowed myself time out from even thinking about it whilst re-learning how to live my life.
Would telling your husband, via a letter, how you feel help you? If it does, then go ahead and express your fears and concerns. Many times I've written a letter and then burnt it, which also helps me a little. I have also written a letter to myself, pretending that I was my own best friend and giving myself the advice that I would give to a friend who was in my situation.
For me it was a good idea to think about how I felt about myself when my husband came to bed smelling of booze and wearing sunglasses and I wish that I had learnt earlier to express these feelings rather than just complaining about his actions. Your husband may or may not change his behaviour as a result of anything you say or write. It is quite possible that he will just feel pressurised and pour himself another drink. That would be his choice. If you write a letter, can you write it for your benefit, not his? For me it felt important to tell my husband that I was struggling and it was best when I did that without expectation of any specific result. I would like to respect and connect with my husband again and that I have loved him very much. I don't want to leave but have sensed my respect for him ebbing away and I'm fearful that it won't return if I remain unheard or ignored for too long.
With my husband actions spoke louder than words. I left for a while. He said that he was proud of me for doing that. I came back. And not much changed! I asked for a divorce. We talked about change and change was promised but then it didn't happen. Finally I gave up. I left him to do his own thing and I said no to things that I did not feel comfortable doing. I wasn't ready to leave my home but I was ready to stand on my own two feet. My self respect was all that mattered to me. The result was that I finally stepped out of husband's way and he never had to put up with me saying 'is that a good idea? or I wish.' and a happy consequence of that was that all of his ideas and actions were his to own. It took about six months and I took quite a few holidays during that time, but eventually he saw himself a little more clearly. The sad thing about all of this is that I developed a lot of resentments and I don't hold my husband in high regard despite him being two years sober. I am five years older than when I first started thinking that we should go our separate ways and yet I still question the validity of our relationship - and it is hard not to beat myself up about that sometimes.
I have not done all the right things at all and if I had my time over I would have gone to live elsewhere while my husband sorted his thinking out. But I do know that I did the right things for where I was at at the time and thats ok.
BTW, Why do you feel guilty about doing your own thing? From what you've said before you invite your husband to join you and it is perfectly natural and healthy if you don't want to join him in getting plastered every night.
Great response Milkwood. Meetings, Steps, breaking the isolation of this disease really helped me to see and understand that living the way I was, being lonely, lost and without any self esteem was not worth his pay check.
Alanon suggested that HP knew what I needed and would give me the ability to live life to the fullest if I trusted the process. Projecting into the future is a destructive tool that I used to stay stuck - Alanon suggested stay in the day, pray and listen to the small voice within. it worked
Keep coming back and working the program A new day will unfold.
An alcoholic who has been drinking daily til passing out will only "cut back" drinking for a little bit and then go right back to the routine and actually get worse. I think it will help for you to understand alcoholism a bit more because some of the actions and decisions you are making sound like they are flying in the face of what alcoholism really is. In a sane relationship, writing a letter, or demanding space, leaving, whatever....that would be a "wake up call." For an alcoholic, it's just as likely it will be a "drink up call." He is not rational, has been indulging in severely sick and dysfunctional behavior for many years and that drink completely owns him. Decisions about leaving or staying in an alcoholic marriage are horribly difficult. I know there are others here in the same boat...It's really daunting to be a woman who hasn't been in the workforce for a while and to imagine generating all the finances on your own, but on the other hand, this is the result of an enabling alcoholic marriage where you handle everything BUT bringing in the money and that has left you feeling incapable in that area while he is retarded and incapable in every other area except working.
I am sad to say it's highly unlikely he will cut back for long or get into recovery just from you leaving. If you make that decision, do it for you...only you. Let go off the mental machinations of how to get a seriously progressed sick alcoholic that doesn't want help to get sober.
I was where you are before I embraced this program. My husband and I had different interests before we were married and he never changed his - time spent, money spent, etc. after we married. I did - had to give mine up for babies/pregnancy.
I resumed my activities before i arrived here, and it was my 'away time' with great friends.
When I began working the steps, I added friends - and love all of them. As I added more friends, and became healthier, I began to make more plans. I stopped being lonely and stopped blaming the state of my marriage on alcohol and/or the alcoholic, and chose to view them as broken parts of my day...
I am still with my A, but our relationship will not be as before. I've changed so it can't be. But, it's different, I am different and everything is better.
Do your thing, work your program and your answers will come!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow are we married to the same man? probably so in a sense. But this is not about me it is about you..or I guess as a group us...I have never left my husband but I had gone away once for 2 weeks when my grandson arrived in 2013 and thought maybe this will be a good chance for him to see what its like without me not catering to him (taking care of him) feeding him, making sure he is alive, making sure he isn't hurt when he falls etc..but nope...he drank more I could tell when we spoke on the phone...he would be crying on how much he missed me and all that ..I came very close to giving in but I could not afford to change the plane ticket to leave early. Many times I have threatened to leave. But It doesnt do any good, and I know I would go back.
Alanon does not encourage us to leave the marriage
But try to get happy and fulfilled for yourself. If we
Change and grow there is hope they will too because
We no longer enable them and we live for ourselves
And love ourselves much much more. Also Keep good
Healthy boundaries and detach with love.
This is not an easy road some stay married some
Divorce even after recovery. Much damage has been
Done in an alcoholic marriage. Mine happened to be
Dry alcoholic marriage. Same stuff just no drinking.
We broke up after recovery started for both of us.
Keep embracing alanon your answers will come.
Go to meetings with an open mind. There is much
To learn about us and also the disease of alcoholism.
You are not alone.
So much of your post sounds like what I remember going through, my main thoughts are
Beyond a shadow of a doubt the only reason to leave was if I wanted to end the relationship anything else backfired hard
THE painful part of living with an alcoholic for me was: Because he drinks and passes out, I am unable to discuss things with him, he doesn't ask me about my day and we are mostly just room mates and then anytime I saw him connect on any level with others I got jealous, just because I was getting zippo at home- but made me seem really crazy.
Alanon is about being happy with or without them, this lack of partnership living with an alcoholic requires an acceptance and emotional distance that really isn't in my nature. - I wanted a true emotional partner.
Also a huge challenge for you must be the financial part, I totally get how you must feel.
You might enjoy setting some short term and long term goals for yourself and working to reach them For me this did not change the alcoholic at all but really changed me and how I felt about life - as you reach each goal you'll be a different person and therefore more able to know what that new and different person thinks about what she should do next..You have to trust that this will happen because if your like me, you won't feel like a "different person" for a while, till you look back and realize your growth.
For me once I had more income of my own (that I didn't allow to get sucked up by drinking and the results of drinking) I had more power to make decisions. didn't matter if I could sustain myself on it alone - it was about having my own power, small or large.
Also I wanted to grow my mind and personality and improve my health and appearance for me, a yoga or cardio class almost every day changed how I felt about me.
Then I had chances to improve my friendships and spiritual growth and it all improved my view on life in general through alanon meetings and other group classes. Alanon alone was too much "program" for me I also needed to foster other growth in my life. This was Higher power directed as just any group didn't understand and support the level of crazy I felt at the time so for me trusting hp with the "next step' was critical.
When the goal for me became to strengthen myself as opposed to fix the alcoholic relationship and I took steps to reach that goal life became so much better.
Thank you for letting me respond as it reminded me that the best way to deal with my current stresses is to focus on me and strengthen my current standing in life- it's all I can control anyway. The rest is higher power directed and staying out of the way by not doing anything to impact others will bring the best result.
Most here will really understand how you feel!! Please post how your doing, hope this helps some. Prayers and support are being sent your way I promise!!!
I echo the encouragement for you to learn a little more what alcoholism actually is. It's really empowering! It helps us make sense of the whole thing and see it clearly. Then we know exactly what we're dealing with, and don't have to waste years trying doomed strategies and being crazy ourselves. Many of our strategies make the situation WORSE for ourselves and our alcoholic loved ones.
When you learn about alcoholism from alanon literature, you will see that you leaving would not give him a wake up call and make him want to stop drinking. Leaving is for you if you want it, and that's it.
Even if you could speak to him without him being passed out, it would achieve
It's not society that dictates addicts must hit rock bottom, it's history. The statistics are dismal. Rock bottom is not a guarantee that an alcoholic will seek recovery. There is hope, but the reality is, many of them die drunk. I'm not saying that to engender hopelessness in you, but the path you're on is one millions of people have trod before you. We can learn from them.
I remember hearing recovering alcoholics, some with 20+ years of sobriety under their belt, saying just when they thought they'd hit rock bottom, there was a lower rock bottom. And they were the lucky ones who had made it to AA and worked the program.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
