The material presented
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welll first let me say thank you, huge from those that repied to my "hes missing, . "post. Sooo heres the friday night update. Its my ah bday. . .Not usually an easy day. He has no relationahips with his family, he never committs to doing something for his bday, he tends to be hyper sensitive. . This year no exception. . And he was sober. . Basically there was a misunderstanding betw him and 11 yo daughter. . .Long story short he went OFFF. . Saying how ungrateful we are, how we have a loveless marriage and he has a daughter who now snubs him like his wife does. He did this in front of her. Went onto say things like how no one in the family has interest in his life, that its partially why he takes off to bars and to be with friends. He threatened leaving, told daughter she was becoming just like me. . "neither of you give a sh*t about me. .Why should i stay". .oh. . She was sobbing, begging him to forgive her. . He finally said he was leaving for awhile. .She fell apart. An hour later he calkwd saying, lets meet for dinner. Ok. We all then fell over him and got through the evening. Now i know this isnt over, i know some of this was his guilt, his disease and also his hugely dysfunctional past, . But as i lay here, eyes burning from tears all i can think is Dear Lord. . What is this doing that dear child? What kind of mother stays in this type of chaos and pain. . What am i doing to this little girl. . Interestingly, we made ut through dinner, he actually stayed home. Daughter fell asleep clinging to hope that Daddy still loved her and her family would be ok. . Rgat said, she confided in me that shes sad her dad hardly ever home, she doesnt understand why we dont seem to love each other, she asks did he ever love you, did you love him. . Is he gonna leave? Yes, i said shes 11. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Ocean, many years ago I was asked by my then 5 year old son, why did you marry my dad? I didn't, I told him. Then why did you have me? He asked. Because I wanted you and I love you, I told him with a broken heart. He was a child of enforced shared custody, with a father who didn't have the decency to walk away. I say that because there was not one redeeming feature of the man, not one, and he wasn't an alcoholic. Point being, yes our children are perceptive and too often wiser than their years. Are you doing face to face meetings? I really wish I had back then, just for my own sanity. I was gripped by fear, anxiety and more fear back then. No matter how hard I tried not to play the game, this man and his accomplices lived rent free in my head. I hear you reacting emotionally to an emotional game your daughter is now being overtly drawn into, and as a daughter and well-lived female, its my wish for you both to find a strength that's greater than the game. Please keep on with a programme, you have a definite qualifier in your ah. Whether he's in the future or not, he is most certainly in today, where does that leave you and your girl if neither adult is working a programme of recovery from the insanity of this disease?
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you, I have experienced this some with my two younger daughters, who are now 21 and 24. They have been on the receiving end of their dad being very unreasonable with them and going off on a simple thing like not locking the deadbolt on the door when they got home. ( doorknob was locked and we do not live in a high crime area) It was daytime for Heaven's sake! Things like this happen often, and although he isnt one to go "out" drinking, his best friend is the whiskey bottle tucked into his recliner, it seems as if he isn't home.
The girls have trouble with relationships with guys..the older one finds guys that need "fixing" and the younger one finds guys that are dominating and insecure..she has trouble committing and feels smothered if they get too close. A girls relationship with her daddy is so important, I hope and pray that they can get past what they have experienced with their and not expect to be treated that way by the man they settle down with.
I think if I were you, I would seek out alanon info for teens so that she can come to understand his disease and know that she is not to blame and so that she wont blame you, either. I wish I had done so when my girls were younger. Thankfully, they do not blame themselves or me, as far as I know. They do worry about him quite a bit.
On the up side, my husband, their dad, is a good man, is a good provider and he does love us, he just loves his bottle a whole lot too. We all know to keep our distance when he is in a "mood". In fact, when I get home, I have to feel him out for his mood so that I will know whether I can talk to him or not. Some days I am walking on eggshells until he passes out.
Funny thing though, he has always been the way I have described, even before he started drinking heavy and daily. He is actually easier to deal when drinking because he passes out.
It scares the heck out of me but I do wish he would quit because of his health, ( I often wonder how long he has before it really affects his health.) When he goes for blood work, the doc can tell he is a smoker and a drinker but he does not have to take medications for anything.. no High blood pressure, no high cholesterol..it stinks because I take meds for both!!
I know that I problaby havent helped much as I am new to all of this, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. There is a lot of support here, for you, and for her.. dont give up.
.
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"Feelings are never right or wrong, it is how you act on them."- Unknown
(((Stephenie))) I know this is a difficult road and one you have used your tools on masterfully in the past. I too thought I could hold my marriage together for my son but in the end I left because I knew deep down if I did not go, I would "Kill him: The rage and anger within me was so intense I thought,I would act in an unreasonable fashion and thereby hurt my son more.
Keep the focus on yourself . Know you are an intelligent, professional woman who is capable to living life to the fullest with dignity and
grace. HP is with you.
Positive thoughts and energy on the way.
Stephanie, my ESH concerning an inappropriate, explosive father of my two children, was that I left him, so my children would have a peaceful childhood. My first husband was not an alcoholic, but I believe he was a dry drunk, with a diagnosed anxiety disorder. For the sake of my children's sanity, at ages 11 and 8, I divorced him. Best thing I ever did, they actually thanked me. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((TheOceanCalls))) - so very sorry for 'this uproar' and the pain you are feeling for your daughter...
I too stayed as my AH has no relationship with his other child (adult daughter) and I did not want that for my boys. I also had real fears of custody enforcement and their safety with him. He's very passive aggressive so ... all is well and then explosion. He has raised a hand to both of mine - not as small children but as mouthy out of control teens and it was extremely ugly to bear witness to...
The only 'right answer' I can share is the program. I too wish I had discovered this earlier on as both of my boys DO blame me and they DO have this disease, anger issues and other. I can't go backwards, but it's never too late to be a healthy example for them and be as compassionate and patient as I possibly can with my AH, their father.
We all love him as well - he's been a good provider, but truly absent beyond that. I believe if you stay close or return to your program efforts, the answers will come. It's worked for me and countless others for a long while.
Sorry he was missing - I've been out all day and am just now catching up!
Hang in there and know you aren't alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
