Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment is So Hard

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is an excerpt from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Parents of Alcoholics." It was shared by permission by the recovering son of an Al-Anon member:

Keep me barely floating and I will learn to swim...
Prop me up and I may learn to stand...
Give me a push and I may learn to walk...
And then run and cry and laugh and maybe even live...
But remember, none of it starts until you let go and barely keep my floating.
I love you more for making me do it alone than for any of the help have ever gotten from you. This will happen; I will fix it alone or with help, but I will do this. The task is mine, the work is mine, and the reward will be mine as well.

GE

-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 21st of August 2015 11:23:06 AM

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for sharing that green eyes. I have been going through something very similar with my AD and to have been struggling with trying to "help" and obsessing about her well being. I know that I have done everything in my power and then some as her mother to give her a good life and it is up to her but boy oh boy that can be a tough one at times. If I stay in the moment and focus on only that things are much better. I am no longer willing to waste any more of my precious days trying to run her life, that was crazy behaviour. It is so helpful to me to read other peoples struggles with their children and know that I am not alone.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs GE, praying for you and yours! One day at a time It's the best any of us have!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Green Eyes, I too struggle with a bi-polar daughter. Although she

is not an alcoholic (my husband is) my daughter is as much a

challenge as my husband. I found that the Al-Anon tools, prayers,

etc. help with dealing with my daughter as well. I feel your pain,

my daughter is very mean at times and is on a cocktail of drugs

to control the highs and lows she experiences. She is 37 years

old now and is finally moving out on her own in October of this

year. She can now take care of herself but it has been a long

road for me and her step father. You are not alone. {{HUGS}}

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Debb, for you kind words, as well as the other replies on this board. What I'm really struggling with, now that she says that she has been diagnosed a bipolar, is unlike alcohol, you can't just stop being bipolar, like you can with drinking. She needs help, either by taking medication and/or therapy. She can never be in recovery from her mental illness. This is not the same disease as alcoholism, and therefore it seems like she would need the support of family and friends, as if she had cancer or diabetes. She can't just "sober up" on her mental illness. I don't know if she is still drinking as well. I would hope not as taking Prozac and drinking is very dangerous. Since she has cut me out of her life right now, I have no idea where she is in her alcoholism. She's 28 years old, not a child anymore, but she has certainly acted like one with her behavior. Again, it could be her bipolar symptoms, her drinking, or both.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

GE, my daughter did the same as yours, cut me out of her life from the time
she was 21 to about 27. I had a very hard time dealing with the knowledge
that she was not getting the right help. She did bottom out, and I won't go
into the details (cause I do not want to upset you) but she did seek me out
when she hit bottom and from there it was two visits to a behavioral clinic
at the local hospital, until they found the right medications for her. She is
functioning quite well now and able to take care of herself. Please don't
lose heart, there is a process that takes place, concerning bi-polar and
alcoholism. If she knows you care, she will seek you out at the right time
and in the mean time you have to have faith that HP is watching over you
and her and detach with love and empathy. {{HUGS}}

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

I would like to add based on my professional experience only that many many times I have seen people diagnosed bipolar and placed on medications when in reality it was an addiction at work. It is so hard to tell when they are abusing substances if in fact they truly have a psychiatric disorder and until a period of extended sobriety happens the picture is pretty blurry. Hugs to you green eyes during this difficult time with your AD.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to share that with both of my boys, they were originally diagnosed with mood disorders (bi-polar label before they are adult age) when in fact they were abusing substances (and not telling the whole story).

Mental Health Illnesses and Addiction often co-exist. It has been my experience with my two boys that the two feed off each other/back/forth. Both of my boys have had depression at times, and then began to self-medicate when the prescribed meds. did not work well enough or fast enough or they just self-medicated because they have addictive issues.

I have two cousins who are bi-polar. Recovery for MH issues is not a ton different than for addiction issues. The right mix of 'therapy offered' is the key to balance and success.

Neither of my boys are currently taking any prescribed medications. One is in recovery and the other is not. For me, the good news is I do know that I have done all that I know to do and many seeds have been planted should they want/need assistance for either or both.

(((Hugs))) - I do understand your thinking. I fought detaching for a long, long while as I kept thinking that if they are truly ill with mental health, that's different. My sponsor helped me see that no matter what ails them, I am of no value unless/until they ask and want my help. It's tough but it does make sense...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Green Eyes)) Thank you for sharing your experience and your fervent prayer to God I too went to sleep one evening saying "If You exist please Help-I am in terrible pain and cannot do this alone."

I immediately fell asleep and when I woke up I found the pain was gone . I searched about within remembering all the difficult painful times and the memories were all present but the pain associated with the memory lifted -- the pain gone

That was my first spiritual experience Thank you for reminding me. Keep coming back You are worth it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene