Good morning Debb-excellent question, and one I struggled with for many years.My sponsor  repeatedly told me that Al-Anon is a self acceptance program and not a self improvement program.

Once I can give myself permission to be an imperfect human being, that is when I can  give others permission to be  who they are and stop being judgmental and blaming of them.

It took a while and several fourth steps in order for me to finally accept the fact that I was not perfect and never would be. The 10th step  there for me to make amends in the present moment, if I find  my behavior is out of line with my principles and I can then learn from the experience and change.

I must caution you that my family usually objected to my behavior or attitudes when it conflicted with their wants and needs. By working with my sponsor and doing a 10th step on these incidents, I discovered that most of the objections were" wanting me to change back to the way it was". Validating myself,placing principles above personalities, remembering to treat everyone with courtesy and respect helped me to be confident that I was doing fine.  

It was extremely important to give  myself permission to be an imperfect person with great tools to live by.

You are doing fine.  

 

Also, how much do you work the 11th step? That could help also.

Aside from that, it helps to remember that there are assets to every defect. You may tend towards controlling/fixing but on the other hand, I bet you are organized and dynamic. You can only lessen the defect aspect and try to maximize the asset, but none of us are ever perfect and rid of all our defects. Accept that there will be some and love yourself anyway! Remind yourself how far you've come.

Debb -

My sponsor taught me that when I am given unsolicited feedback (good or bad), I am to say, "Thank you for the feedback."

If I believe they are correct, and I owe an apology, I can give it. If I don't understand what they mean, I am allowed to say, "I am sorry if you were offended, that was not my intent."

If I believe they are full of @#$#, I am to say nothing else.

I am one who had such low self-esteem, I said, "I'm sorry 50 times a day." I may as well tattoo it on my head back then cuz it was my first natural response. It was one tool I adopted that was a self-defense one. I also took on ownership of many issues that weren't mine (like Betty shares - them wanting me to change back.) and have to be on guard for that.

So, I can have a quick temper and a sharp tongue. I am very, very aware of it and I have very obvious facial expressions showing how I 'really feel'. I've worked very, very hard to pause before responding to almost anything/everything. Not a long drawn out pause, but a pause to consider what I feel and what's getting ready to come out of my mouth.

I always answered requests, questions, etc. very quickly thinking any pause was a sign of less intelligence. I've now decided that pausing is actually a sign of wisdom. My whole purpose of this is to try to not be abrasive with my answers (one of my defects).

I agree that some step work on this might help. It is through self-assessment and inventory that I discovered my 'quick draw perception' and was able to rethink and revise a plan to work on it.

You are a miracle in progress - for me, before program if someone said this to me, I would have either felt sorry for myself or would have flipped them off! Today, we can actually bring it forward, ask for feedback and take constructive action - how about that? So grateful for you and Al-Anon and all of our family here!!

I just wanted to thank you Debb for making this post, because your share and the responses you've gotten have given me a lot to reflect on.

I agree with that 100%.....which for me is why the program, the fellowship, program friends, here and meetings are critical!!! If I didn't have others to bounce things off/on, I would never change. If I don't change, I don't grow. And if I don't grow, I wilt...

Great post seriously Debb and I get exactly what you mean. I don't know if this is good or not but when I feel that 'dumped on...too much to do and to little time', I've gotten in this habit of rubbing my forehead. Just a quick regroup action like I'm trying to remember it all or something. My AH actually kept asking me if I had a head ache, and after the 2nd or 3rd time, I asked why and he said, because you keep rubbing your forehead.

I think it's my keep your mouth still and it helps hide my facial body language. It's funny that I was doing it 'not on purpose' and of all people, he noticed!! But it works - cuz my face and eyes can be my biggest tell - esp. when I am HALT = potentially grumpy!

Jerry F, I like your process, to verse the challenge and your are so right, that
I am who I am, good and not so good. I was thinking that all this questioning
has actually turned out good, because in the process I nailed the reason(s)
why I react abruptly sometimes ... which raises some other dilemmas. But
it is okay!! Your insight is so appreciated!! xoxox

Debb,

I'm abrupt too at times. The reason for reacting that way isn't always the same for me.                                                                                                                  Maybe it's the person themself I am reacting to which for myself means there might be an unresolved underlying resentment.                                                     Maybe it's the topic of discussion with a person which causes the abruptness. The discussion may stir fear (F everything and run) in me. If I'm triggered this way by a discussion, I know I need to work on my dis-ease.                                                                                                                                                                                  For me, this means actually talking out the specifics with somebody in the program to work through it or journalling about it.                                                            I've found this helpful for finding answers, feeling less alone, easing my guilt and sense of brokeness because as an Alanon I can be a little hard on myself.       Debb, I think all human beings are abrupt from time to time. It can be as simple as cutting a conversation short because someone has somewhere to go and maybe they don't give the other person an explanation because they are in just that much of a hurry.                                                                                                        When my abruptness comes from uncomfortable internal stirrings, it's been helpful for me to unstuff these feelings through journalling or with another program person and hp (sort of like a mini step 5) I've noticed progress in my mindfulness concerning self care with people and situations.                                         Sometimes I can identify that the best thing for me is to remove myself from a situation or person who is communicating with me. Abruptness could be a justifiable way of take care of myself rather than participation. Participation for me would be a form of people pleasing and dismissing my own feelings. So awareness and understaning my needs and right to take care of myself first is very very important for me.                                                                                                           Through the practice of writing out my feelings about a situation I've encountered or communication with a person where I've been abrupt, I've actually been able to identify something I can improve and a way to improve it.  When I'm in HALT hungry, angry, lonely or tired I will react instead of respond. This is why self care is so very important for me on a daily basis.                                                                                                                                                                                                        I try so much more to make     a priority including being mindful of how I'm feeling as I go through my day. I check in with the god of my understanding conversationally throughout the day and I offer gratitude to my higher power throughout my day.  It helps for keeping my serenity.                                                      I like the tool Jerry's offered too!  It's esteeming and reminds us that we're working a gentle program. We can be kind and loving toward ourselves, We're works in progress and so is everyone else on the planet for that matter whether they're in a 12 step program or not. 

Thanks for your heartfelt share. I'm glad we're on this journey of recovery together.  (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 23rd of August 2015 09:58:20 AM

Self acceptance is HUGE, not just for us in program but for everyone I see out there. Thank you so much for starting this topic because I truly struggle with not just accepting myself but also loving myself, which I think go hand in hand. It's that fear that I'm not enough, never will be enough, and will never be perfect enough for myself nor for anybody else. Everyone else extends me grace, but I can't extend it to myself. I'm very hard on myself and that comes from my dad and his abusive talk and abandonment, but you know what? I am now an adult and I am responsible for ME. I can't change what he did or what he said or how he treated us. I can only face it and move past it and truly believe what other people tell me.

For years, people would tell me that I was beautiful and I wouldn't believe them. I would run away from people who told me that because I was uncomfortable with hearing it. There was no way I was beautiful because I felt ugly and unloved and unwanted. I don't feel that way anymore and I can now say thank you when people praise me. That is progress. That is self acceptance and self love to me. As we say in program, "Progress not perfection". Learning to love yourself is a process and we have a disease of perceptions, twisted perceptions from years of living with alcoholism and the distorted thinking that goes along with it.

The best lesson I learned from Al Anon is to be gentle with myself, to be patient when I take steps backwards, and to learn to hug myself even when I feel I don't deserve it because I've screwed up at work or I've messed up my kid, or my house isn't clean enough (there's that word 'enough' again), etc. Learning to extend grace to myself......that is the key.