The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We three siblings have a fourth sibling who is an alcoholic who is a controlling manic depressive who now appears to be smoking crack. He is 60 yrs of age and lives with 80 year old mother. He is verbally and emotional abusive. Our concern is for our mother is that here quality of life is crap. She probably qualifies as an enabler and is a codependent (based on what I am reading here). She is depressed and stays in bed all day as a result of the control issues and behavior of the son living with her. It's killing the other three siblings to see this.
We want to help her but not sure how to start. In a perfect world we would like the son to move out or have our mother move in with one of us. How do we communicate this to our mother and when (She is currently recuperating from major back surgery).
How do we communicate this to our sibling living with our mother?
Last question. One of the siblings found a pipe and very small chunks of crack cocaine on our mother's couch. Looking for suggestions from other members' experience with a situation like this. Two options at opposite ends of the continuum are: 1. Do nothing. 2. Turn over to police. Any suggestions or reflections would be useful?
Thanks!
-- Edited by MFB on Thursday 20th of August 2015 04:38:52 PM
Aloha and welcome to the board Which one of the two would it be most reasonable to hold an intervention with...You mom trying to get her to move in with one of you or your brother to move out and get help. interventions can be expensive and don't often work however I'm thinking use your family doctor or counselor or religious practitioner and work your Mom's side only. Your brother will be a part of it at sometime or another and emotions will be involved however setting boundaries and expectations before you meet will set the tone. Your goal is what? Agree on your goal and then plan it out. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP MFB. If your Mom is in danger or abused, most states have an eldercare division connected to their Social Services Department. You could initiate the process by asking for a wellness check of your Mom by the local police. If it is recommended that she be removed from the home, for her own safety, then you can elect to have her live with you or one of your siblings. As far as the controlling fourth sibling with your Mom, see how it goes with the police doing the wellness check. Hope that helps.
-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 20th of August 2015 06:32:02 PM
-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 20th of August 2015 06:32:18 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you posted.
Love what's been said already. For what it is worth, I have contacted the police before when illegal substances were in my home. There were consequences, but it did not affect a change in my A's behavior. However, having said items and using them to leverage a move-out did work.
It's logical to not want your mother living like this.
It's logical to be concerned about your mother.
It's logical to be concerned about your brother.
All that you've shared is very normal. Where the situation becomes illogical is trying to deal with an alcoholic who is active. When you add substances to that, the level of potential craziness goes up tremendously.
I've worked hard to learn how to make decisions based on facts vs. emotion. My best suggestion is to get the 3 together, and write out the pro(s) and con(s) of each possible scenario. If you have any concern about your brother's treatment or negligence of your mother, I would certainly take action now. Based on what you describe, he will most likely choose D - none of the above of any scenarios. So, don't let that be an option if you give him choices...which brings me to my next point.
With my As (Alcoholics), I always gave choices. Towards the 'end' of their domicile in my home, that choice was as easy as - am I dropping you at a friend's home or at a hotel? But I had more success imposing 'change' if I gave choices instead of open-ended suggestions, demands, etc.
So sorry for all involved. This is never easy and this program would help all of you - including your momma when she's up to it. Living and loving an alcoholic can be devastating and painful, but there is hope and recovery.
Again, glad you posted and hope you stick around for a bit!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome MFB You have received many powerful responses and I do hope you keep coming back.
Just wanted to say that the situation that your mom is living in seems verymuch the same as what my sister is living.
She lives with her son, who is retired, is angry and prone to temper tantrums and drinks . It is her home and he moved in after hisretirement- Does not give any money for bills and is in denial and pretend when any of her daughters or myself suggests that there is another way to live. She will never admit he is causing her distress. Alanon meetings are the solution to many of these issues. Keep coming back.
