The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Morning everyone! Last night my ah visited my daughter he read her a story and when I went to go check on her she busted down crying. She asked me if he was ever coming back and I said of course. i called up my sister crying and told her what happen she said never to let him around her again! I told her that my daughter wants to see him and that she will feel abandon if I did that. She started yelling at me telling me the back and forth is worse in her. He is her step father- but he has been in her life since she was three! Her real father is not emotional available and sees her every three months maybe. How can I take another man out of her life. He is good to her he takes her for ice cream, told me he would help pay for her tutoring... He has been more of a dad than her real dad. Sometimes he can be grumpy but really he is good to her. What would u all do- he is working his program and wants to come see her 2-3 times a week no over nights. And to be honest it is nice to have the break so I can get other things done. It is hard sometimes but I don't think u have to have all or nothing. Suggestions, thoughts?
-- Edited by Helpangel on Thursday 20th of August 2015 07:16:43 PM
I think it's better to be honest with kids and not give them false hope .. is he really coming back? Or is that a hope/wish??
I phrased things like .. I don't know what the future holds .. ideally dad will get help and come back (this was before I filed for divorce).
If he really wants to see her I say let him especially if he's sober ... none of this is her fault and she should be allowed a relationship with her s/dad .. it would be a positive thing for both of them.
Don't be surprised if he stops the visiting on his own .. it has been my experience that men are wired differently than women (sorry it's just a fact and I'm generalizing so if there are men who are outside this number this isn't directed at them) .. out of sight out of mind really rings true. My XAH in his addiction has isolated himself from our kids and I get it .. it's easier to do things that way because it hurts less .. the guilt, shame and so on isn't there if he doesn't have to deal with it directly plus he likes to pretend that none of this is really happening so he says things and thinks the kids are just going to be like oh ok .. lol .. they are more like umm ... why would you say that to me and umm .. that's not ok. I love you however your behavior kind of sucks. They limit their visits to about 2 1/2 hours more than that seems to bring out his bad side.
When my kiddos were with my mom for 5 weeks I get how it is easier not having to be responsible. I was like an overgrown teenager .. lol. It was great and it was what I needed at the time. I couldn't Skype with them .. it was hard to see them and not touch them. It physically hurt. I started to cry and they didn't need that being gone. I could talk, text and needed to .. the contact was what I needed to keep the emotional connection going. My XAH .. calls maybe every other month .. he can't even do that because of the guilt/shame he has going on .. plus he knows they are going to ask him for what they need which is what he can give .. not emotionally .. it's financial.
Let them work their relationship out without the expectations of he's coming back or not .. I just try and stand on the outside giving support keeping my opinions to myself .. which is really hard for me to do .. lol .. oi .. usually I want to shake him so bad his eyeballs roll.
Maybe your sister isn't the right person to talk to about this .. if you have a sponsor .. come here so you can reason things out on your own. I only need to stand in my own truth vs trying to please everyone else.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh.....what a night. So very sorry for your pain and the reaction of your sister. I must say that I used to talk to family and close friends about my 'life' and it was not good for my stress at the time. I have learned that people mean well, and they most likely truly have the best of intentions, but they offer advice based on what they 'think' they would do and/or what they 'think' is right.
Before this marriage and before children, I had mental 'deal-breakers'...Well - those were based on projections and my values. Easy to talk about, a lot harder to actually deploy when facing this disease.
I've since learned that my life goes much better when I speak with my sponsor and/or trusted program friends about family issues. They are on a similar journey and have real-life experience often with what is affecting my peace for that day. Everyone else means well, but has no hands-on experience so ...
I am one who believes 'it takes a village'.... I also believe one can never have enough friends for support. So, if the relationship appears healthy, who not? Staying in the here and now and one day at a time helps me with these types of issues/situations.
(((Hugs))) to you and all - trust God and the answers will come! Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Helpangel, I would not change a thing. If your daughter enjoys her stepdads company, why stop the visits? I would chat with her to ease her fears, but I would not stop visits, as long is it is good for everyone.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Just one thing helpangel....how can I take another man out of her life? You can't. Its out of your hands. Kids are humans, they need to know life happens and that there's someone who loves them in spite and in support of it. One day at a time, hugs.
Take it slow. It took a long time for you to ask him to move out. Let him be sober for a year or so before moving back if ever. What you decide for your daughter with regard for him may also differ from what you want for you. He can visit if you want but totally reconciling just because of this....having a totally miserable mom is not a good trade off for having her step dad around more.
It sounds like he is trying. That is a good thing. Your sister is just being protective of you and your daughter, ultimately only you can decide what is best for your daughter. I'm sorry she is hurting :( I hope the relationship can continue, if it is a positive thing for all involved. I must say it is enlightening for me to hear of a step-father being so caring about a step-daughter. Sadly my AH and our 16 year old daughter are not speaking. A week ago they got in a screaming match in our hotel room after a funeral (yes he had been drinking...he always is) and he told her to f$&@ off. I was mortified. Neither of them has talked since, even on the 6 hour drive home the next day. I expect the 16 year old to act childish once in a while, but a 40-something year-old adult? I'm just floored by it all. My daughter looked at me today, with tears in her eyes, and said "mom, it's ok. It's better this way." The heart break of being married to an alcoholic never ends :(
Thank u for so many replies! My ah and I seem to make good friends and work together fine but the relationship part is just bad. We both agreed that since we worked together
That we would try and keep it nice for all of us. So thank u for the support, it is odd but nice to find people that don't judge you and uplift u under the most awful situations. U r all a blessing to me tonight, thank u so much.!
