The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My now ex partner is a recovering alcoholic (he may have relapsed now for all I know)
In summary, we were together for around 11 years. The first 6 he was an active drinker (the drinking was always the excuse for his bad behavior), the last 5 he was sober (no excuse for his bad behavior). I thought if he could stop drinking, all our troubles would be over and life would be bliss. How wrong I was!! Now, I am suffering Anxiety, mild depression and PTSD from what I've come to realize was an emotionally abusive relationship. In addition to this, we are in a social services battle over our daughter because I had and still have huge concerns for her well being. It is not a nice thing for him to be accused of (I don't like the word accuse, its a very fine line, but I haven't said he hes done anything, iive said I had concerns he might have). His family whom I was extremely close to hate me, they think I am using our daughter as a means to hurt him because that is what he is telling them. I used to be a very level headed patient person with absolutely no mental health issues, I am now a shell of the person I was and having to rebuild all of my confidence. Nobody can see that the root of all of this is his behaviour. Just because he no longer drinks, does not mean he is OK. I am being made to look like the unreasonable one, when in reality I am just looking out for my daughters best interests, whilst trying to rebuild my sanity and self worth. I don't want to stop her seeing her dad (it would make my life so much easier if he was not part of it), but I know she loves him dearly (and he loves her) and I truly want him to be part of that. But I wish he could just see the light, and realize all of this has a root cause! He's admitted hes had a problem once in the past, is there hope that he might one day realize again that this all boils down to his issues, or am I clutching at straws? Its like cancer, not only has it affected me and him, its affected me and my own family, and me and his family. So frustrating.
Alanon is PERFECT for you!! Have a bit of a read around if you have time.
Sounds like you've had a nightmarish experience. It adds so much to the pain when family/friends won't acknowledge all you've been through and how much alcoholism has hurt you, doesn't it? God, I've had a chip on my shoulder for YEARS about that. No one would ever validate or acknowledge the situation as I saw it.
Alcoholism is a family disease because it makes the wives, husbands, children and comrades of the alcoholic, very very sick. We get distorted thinking. We get caught up in victimhood, blame, control, obsession, and stuff like that.
Whatever the root cause of all this is, doesn't change today. That's all in the past, there's no force on or off earth that can change the past. I'm happy you're on the path to freedom, keep venting and sharing, so many women and men here have been where you are.
Lots of love heading your way from me xxx
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
It has been 14 months now since our relationship ended. I have had no contact with him for the last 4 months due to the ongoing social services matter. Whilst this process is truly awful, the positive thing is that its given me an opportunity to have zero contact with him (something that was impossible before). During this period I am able to work on rebuilding myself without him there to destroy it. Hopefully by the time we have to have contact again, I will be a much stronger person to deal with him. I started to see a counselor 5 months after he left due to regular verbally abusive behavior from him. I noticed that my work was affected, and even just receiving an email from him sent me into an anxiety attack (heart palpitations). At the time I had never experienced this in my life, I was afraid of him, and even went as far as to lie about being at home, and hiding at my friends house so that I did not have to have a confrontation from him. It is incredible on how even now, I seem to have these epiphany moments about past events and what was going on. I seem to be slowly coming out of the fog, but I am totally gobsmacked by the destruction caused. I have zero trust in him, I never thought he would hurt me (even though he has been violent, but usually with objects), but now I think he could definately turn violent on me, especially after this whole mess with social services is over. Its a long and tough road.
I'm glad you are here at MIP .. is it possible to also do additional outside therapy? I have suffered for years with PTSD and finally got EMDR treatment for no cost through my XAH's job actually the EAP program which is available through most full-time jobs. It is something to look into if you are allowed to have services. I had a TRO out on my XAH and it was the best thing for me in all reality because it forced the no contact and it forced me to phrase things differently .. was this behavior good for my case or not? If the answer was no I called my sponsor and spewed what I wanted to say to him (usually I text it to her .. LOL) she would laugh and ask me if I felt better and the answer was always yes.
Alanon helped me deal with the chaos of court, taking care of me and taking care of the kids. If he's still active in thinking this is a phase .. knowing what I know now I would have spent a whole lot less time in court .. my XAH is not interested in the kids and all it took was time for him to hang himself. Just give him the rope and he finds a way to knot himself up .. just let him. My atty said it best when she said, S .. give him the rope and let him do his thing.
I really did have some big safety issues with him and still do .. the kids don't trust him and in 3 1/2 years have spent probably a total of 45 full days with him so he's a stranger to them. He doesn't do anything to help the relationship.
Alanon taught me to put my air mask on first and then take care of whatever crisis was going on .. if I can't breathe I can't think rationally or do the next right thing.
Big hugs to you!!
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My employers are helping me immensely, they fund my sessions with my counselor. The counselor has told me that regardless of if they continue to fund it or not, he will see me through this with no cost. I am truly grateful for all the help I am getting. My employers are also funding my lawyer fees for the ongoing situation. I have a few great friends who hear me tell my story time and time again. I have considered Al Anon, but going to a support meeting is very hard for me at the moment, if I am not working, I am looking after our 3 year old, with all the anxiety, PTSD issues I am pretty exhausted most of the time. I feel happy with the support of my friends, family and counselor but may try it someday. I already see improvement, but realize I have a hell of a long road to go. it would be so easy if he wasn't so keen to maintain his relationship with our daughter, but as odd as it sounds, she seemed to be his new obsession. At first it was the drink, and then he would find a cycle of hobbies (the same ones each time) which he would fixate on, but lose interest and move to the next repeating the cycle. Then he seemed to focus all his attention on me until I stopped reacting to it, and at that point his focus shifted to our little girl, it was very concerning for me in many ways. If he was left alone, I am sure he to would take the rope and hang himself so to speak, but his mother is always here interfering. We live in Spain, and she lives in the UK. She's been shielded by this for the last 11 years, and really has no clue about his issues, because I was always the one to deal with it. All she does is enable it by giving him money, and in other ways. I wish she would just stay away for now, and let the natural consequences happen.
she is frequently flying over here in the past few months, at a guess because she is petrified he will drink and she is trying to control him and stop it from happening. Of course if he does (or maybe he has) it will be seen as my fault because of the situation we are in right now. At the moment he is only allowed to see our daughter on certain days at certain times and under supervision. I have a document issued by the court stating this. It is supposed to be protection for her, I don't have any kind of protection personally. He has however been in an area at a time when he knows she will be dropped off from nursery and within meters of my house regardless. But getting this reported to the right people in a country where I don't speak the language is next to impossible (even with friends that can communicate for me).
Good morning and a big hug. My best advice is breathe, take every challenge and emotion with baby steps and when u feel rushed, stressed that when u slow it down on purpose. Go to the bathroom or tell whoever (lawyer, mediator) I need a minute.. It will be ok just breathe :).. 4 year custody battle and I got sole custody. Keep emotion out of it and stay calm when u can't- take a break.. love and prayers to u.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and the courage to share!
I am going to also agree that Al-Anon would be very helpful for you. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive disease that affects the entire family. AA is for Alcoholics and Al-Anon is for those who love or live or lived/loved the A.
We work a program with 12 steps that help us to restore sanity to our lives, thoughts, actions and reactions. We use slogans, tools, steps and support from each-other to find our truth, strength and peace. We keep the focus on ourselves and what we can do, each day or each moment to better our lives, hearts, minds and souls.
I agree that it might be very helpful for you to just BREATHE! You have arrived at a forum where we understand and where we can share what has helped us. Some key things that I heard/learned very early on were the 3 Cs - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this. What this means is I am only responsible for what I do, what I don't do, how I act and react and how I chose to live my life.
We also preach and live by one day at a time. We can't change anything that has happened in the past, and we can't possibly know what tomorrow will bring, so we live one day at a time - sometimes one moment at a time. This certainly helps with anxiety and fear of the unknown and for me, helps center me for the here/now.
Lastly, this program teaches us that we can't control any other person, place or thing. We can only control ourselves and no matter how poor they act, how uninformed they are, how crazy they may be - we get to manage our lives and our small piece of this world. There is nothing you can do to change any of these other folks, so giving them free rent in your head is not a good use of that resource!!!
(((Hugs))) to you - glad you are here and so glad you posted! Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So frustrated. Yesterday my ex saw me waiting at the bus stop. He was on his way sonewhere and pulled up on the roundabout. I pretended i had not seen him. Tried to breath to calm my anxiety down and decide how to act. He went unside for not even a minute. When he came out he stood staring at me with this angry menacung face. I reacted by grinning at him. Then he indicated by pointing his finger to his head and twisting it that i was sick and twisted (to do with our current social services investigation). My reaction was to shrug. He got back in his car and said a few words whuch i couldnt hear and then drove off. I felt quite proud if myself fir nit having a full blown anxiety attack (progress for me) but wasnt very proud of my reaction. However i believe he only stopped to intimidate me. He could have just driven past as he no doubt would have dine had i nit been standing there. Later that night abd presumably because if what happened i received an email from his mother. I used to be so close to her. But in this email she told me that they have lost their home, friends and family and are sick with worry and unable to sleep. They said what i have done to them, my ex partber and my daughter is unforgiveable. It has realpy hurt me. They also ccd my parents into the email... I am 33 years old!!! Im so upset that nobidy can see i am trying to protect our daughter and had no choice to raise my cincerns with social services. I cant stand being blamed when in actual fact all if this is happening because their son is an alcoholic. They dont see any of it. They send me this email which is just so selfish...they have no idea what i have and still am going through and think its ok to send me this stuff
JML2012, I found that a lot of my frustrations were caused by the fact
that I took everything personally, Al-Anon steps, when worked, helped
me with that. I also learned from working the steps, that I cannot
control what people do or say, and I should not manipulate a situation
to get my way or make people do what I want. Another very important
tool was to rely on my HP and admit that I am powerless over the situation.
I think you handled the unplanned meeting with your XAH very well!!
If you are getting unwanted e-mails, you can block them and therefore
not be upset by these people, but you might have to accept their opinion
and just let it go, because you cannot control them. Are you working
the 12 steps?
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I agree alcoholism is a family disease and anyone who has lived with the disease is severely affected. Attempting to cope with the insanity caused me to develop many destructive tools to live by Some of which included making MYSELF invisible as I made OTHERS MY HP, denying reality and pretending all was well.
Thanks to HP for alanon and the daily reprieve I receive from the insanity that I have known.
Please search out meetings and attend
Wow, just wow! It really is incredible, every day I learn something new, I cant believe it has taken me 11 years of insanity for me to finally start seeing the truth and destructiveness of the disease. It is only within the last few months that things are beginning to make sense. I feel like a giant looking into a snow globe at a tiny family embroiled in all this chaos and absolutely in denial of what is really going on. I am so grateful to have stepped out of this with my little girl and see it from a more healthy perspective. The path has been an unusual and unfortunate one, but I see the bigger picture here, and they only see a portion. The road is long, there are many twists and turns to come, I know that much. His parents (who always kept out of things) are now involving themselves. I've not heard a peep from his dad (hes always been the quiet one), but his mother has shocked me. She is trying to control things (always has been controlling, keeps her son happy by handing out money to him), they've gone as far as to put their house up for sale in the UK, and are now apparently living here in the same country as us (bad news for me). Of course, I am to blame for that, she sent me an email to tell me how they've lost their home, family and friends. I don't accept the blame at all, but I guess it makes her feel better to deflect it all my way. I am seeing behavioral patterns appear in her that closely match him. They are either dead quiet for a few weeks, or suddenly raging. There is a real pattern. She called me repeatedly at 11pm one Sunday evening over at least a a hour period (I had 10 missed calls). She knows her granddaughter is asleep at that time (she actually woke her up). I cant speak with her right now because of the situation I am in, but my friend kindly offered to call her as I was genuinely concerned that something awful had happened to her son (my ex) who I know is vulnerable right now. All she did was throw hate and blame at my friend (whom she has met possibly twice), told her she is a nasty person and she has ruined the family. Its shocking the lengths even she goes to, to avoid the real issue!
