The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I am progressing in my recovery, and starting to get in touch with my own needs and wants after a lot of time putting them on the back burner while the disease ravaged our home, I am starting to grow concerned that so much of what I want to pursue are things that do not include or would even be of interest to my RAW.
I was making a list yesterday of all my goals for the coming 12 months in an effort to get my arms around, and prioritize, the flood of things that have flowed into my mind that I want to try, accomplish, or resume doing. Some are as simple as eating healthier, developing better sleeping habits, etc. I know all that is healthy and I should be pursuing. But it's the stuff I want to do with my leisure time that has me starting to be concerned that I am swinging from focusing on taking care of myself, to becoming selfish.
Playing Golf regularly again ... coaching youth sports ... joining a dart, pool or bowling league ... attending more sporting events ... getting involved in political causes ... reconnecting with friends I lost touch with ... all things I enjoy, have done little of over the last 3-4 years, and all things my RAW has absolutely no interest in. What is more concerning to me is that on the entire list of personal goals, things that would be likely to be things that strengthen our marriage didn't show up much.
I've talked to my sponsor about this, and he suggests that she and I sit down and do this kind of list together to see where there are intersections, so we can find common interests we can build on together to compliment our own individual pursuits, which are also important. It's a marriage, and it requires some compromise and balance between individual pursuits and pursuits that strengthen the bonds of marriage. I know he's probably right ... but frankly ... given a choice between anything that would show up on that list ... and anything I know is on the one I came up with on my own ... I'd rather do what is on my list.
Part of me wonders if this is simply an opposite and equal reaction to her years of self absorbed A behavior. She was off doing what she wanted, when she wanted, spending whatever she wanted, for a long time ... while I could never seem to find 2 nickles to rub together to go play a game of pool with a buddy. Almost like 'Okay ... now its my turn. I get to catch up on all the stuff I wanted to do and didn't or stopped doing, while you were on your last 2 year binge.
I worry I'm becoming self absorbed in my recovery ... because thats all I am focusing on ... me.
Another part wonders if there just isn't all that much that connects us anymore ...
And yet another part wonders if I'm trying to avoid investing time in a relationship that still feels very fragile to me, knowing she is in early recovery and we are just a relapse away from me finally throwing in the towel on us.
I suppose its some stew of all of the above ... but I don't know quite what to do about it.
Anyone else find themselves in this situation during their recovery?
Aloha Dave and in thinking about your situation and remembering when I was in it myself my sponsor and I came up with the same solution finding actions...which co-depend. Get mutually involved behaviors with my alcoholic/addict wife and then have things I liked to do by myself. My marriage to the Alcoholic/Addict ended so I carried the solution outward with other relationships and I have found it to be a "should be" behavior. Not all things are mutual and with acceptance all of them are acceptable as we allow and support each other in life. "No two people can stand in the same space at the same time" is what my sponsor taught me and so I look down at my own shoes to find out where I am at and across the way to see where my wife is at. Right now she is 2600 miles away with her family and I "look over" with my cell phone when I am not doing my thing which is program directed as hers' is. Self care for me needs to be fair, honest and just which are self principles I have built using Al-Anon principles. As long as I have these I have peace of mind and serenity. Keep on keeping on. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 19th of August 2015 12:19:12 PM
Dave2554, I think that if you are worried about you and your partner drifting apart to much, it is difficult to say just how much is to much or the natural course that marriages go through under the circumstances of recovery. I feel if you are both still there together, even though you do not share activities, that it can be seen as supportive, or as supportive as it gets. Recovery takes, sometimes, a long time and I would rely on your HP, and see how things go, for at least the rest of the year, then reassess. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Dave. I can certainly relate to your post. Especially the part about investing in an already fragile relationship that is just a relapse away from falling apart.
My RAH has been working a recovery program since June. So not a very long time but I notice this time is definitely different than the other 2 times he tried to quit drinking. he seems sincere that he doesn't ever want to go back to the way things were again. And I know that I can never go back to living with an active alcoholic again. I'm at the end of my rope here. He asked me to give him some time to try to give me the life I've always wanted. So I agreed to do that. How much time I do not know.
I can understand you wanting to do the things that you didn't get to do for 3-4 years because of the money situation and your AW out doing whatever she wanted. For 18 years I've watched other families go on lavish vacations and out to dinner and movies together. All my AH wanted to do was drink. It became so we were living separate lives. Me working, taking care of the house and kids, grocery shopping, hanging out with my friends. I started acting like I was single because that's how I felt.
Your AW is still in early recovery which I can only imagine is extremely difficult. My AH struggles, some days more than others. For someone who drank for over 30 years, his almost 90 days sober is a huge accomplishment in itself. I try to remember to keep my expectations very low and take it day by day. Sometimes moment by moment.
I do think it's natural for you to feel like it's your turn now to do what you want. I am always asking "when will it be my turn?" So I think that's a common feeling with spouses of alcoholics. Hang in there. I hope the right answers come to you in time.
I am one that thinks their should be his, mine and ours - for activities, interests, etc. If you have no interest in hers or ours, the question and/or choices you need to look at may have more to do with married/single. There is a certain level of self-indulging and selfish interests that we all give up when we decide to join our life with another person. What remains and what is given up is typically a negotiation.
So, while you are looking at your goals, and working your program, it might help to consider your heart. Where is it at? What do you want? I am one who has to start with the end game in mind and work backwards.
I took my vows seriously and still do. My husband and I were very independent when we married. When he relapsed, he pulled away. He has certainly spent more $$ than I during the past 22 years and has cost us more in medical, court, legal, cars, insurance, etc. fees. However I did not come into this marriage looking for parity. It was to share my life with someone. I am not one who has ever asked, 'when is it my time?' or 'why me, or why not me'. That is because I knew deep down that much of what I wanted and expected was not realistic or possible.
We share meals, we share ball games....Beyond that, we share expenses and we share a house. He lost interest in almost anything social when he relapsed and he is a golfer while I play softball. I had to be OK with this or I could leave.
So, if you are making a plan as a married person who wants to remain married, I believe you might be bordering on selfish. If you are making a plan as a married person who intends to sit with your spouse and discuss for commonalities, then I believe you are practicing self-care. For me, I have to closely examine my motives in situations like this.
Good luck - love the list and it sounds great!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dave, it sounds like you are on a great path and you should NOT use the term "selfish" about activities that keep you emotionally whole and healthy. You cannot be a good partner to anyone, alcoholic or not, without the freedom to do things that make you feel useful, entertained, happy, and mentally and physically exercised.
I know whereof I speak because the past few years with AH have led to an almost total shutdown of my social life. I am just beginning to try and address this now. While he was drinking, he severely embarrassed me at many social functions with very close friends. I'm still rebuilding some of these connections. (Naturally, he does not remember any of this).
He is reclusive by nature and even though he used to be a musician, he now obviously doesn't like going out to anything I would enjoy such as a music festival, town fair, a Highland Games, craft fair, drumming circle, museum exhibit, pow-wow, etc. because there might be booze there. I get that, OK? I get that. Does that mean I have to live in my nun's habit the rest of my life because of you? I am not out to party like a crazy woman. I'd just like to not be trapped at home with you reading your psalms all day.
I am always trying to think of healthy activities we can do together that can rebuild us as a couple. This past winter, it was snowshoeing. (Granted, after shoveling five feet of it in Massachusetts I was less enthusiastic). In summer it's swimming together. But I am very frank about the fact that I need time away from him and his obsessions, and I need time with my friends. I don't expect him to be interested in or interact with my gal friends all the time, but I need to see them occasionally or I will lose my mind. I am my own person and I refuse to apologize for my basic needs. I am his addiction (in the good way) but I am not his Addiction.
Don't put all the ownus on yourself. Compromise includes your lady too. She could come along to some of the things that only you like, she might have a great time!
I'm confused about what is selfish and what is self care too, only because it's so foreign to me. I guess while we're learning and recovering we don't have to do it all perfectly. To be honest I think it's so great that you have such enthusiasm for life and for so many different things. HP might be nudging you in all these different directions because you have something to offer people, or serendipitous meetings are about to happen. No doubt it's part of your healing. It seems divinely inspired somehow, to me, your list of activities. You sound like you have energy to do things and interest in life - that is HUGE! Remember the heavy days of bleak depression and exhaustion I'm assuming you've had because you've been on a journey with alcoholism? Lol. I mean, to me, this shows beautiful recovery has taken place, you're in touch with yourself, all kinds of great things. Many people in the world don't even know what they'd like to do, aren't motivated to do it, are scared or blocked and won't let themselves. If you're not one of them, you've earned it.
I say do it. Your marriage has withstood alcoholism. It will withstand a few golf matches. I'm sure you'll find compromise and balance as you're living it one moment, one day at a time. You're never locked in to a cement plan and there's room each day to be inclusive and loving with your wife. It sounds like you've tapped into the bounty of life, overflowing with fun and enhancing activities. That's really being alive. That's the signature of HP, in my opinion. Following your creative impulses will only make you expand and bring good things to you and others. Trust yourself to do it in balance, I reckon you can. The only way to learn these things is through practice - perfectionism keeps me from even beginning to try, I'm a long way behind you. We don't let ourselves get away with much, I'm sure you'll feel it immediately if you overdo it.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Thursday 20th of August 2015 07:21:13 AM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
I learned in recovery that there is a difference between self-care and selfishness. I had many selfish traits and behaviors that emerged into my awareness when I did step 4. I replaced a lot of them with self-care. And to a degree, you are right. It is self-defense, but only because all those hobbies and good things you are doing for yourself are insulation so that you have a full life and are not obsessing and placing every bit of your energy and happiness in your relationship. Great post. Self-Care! Keep it up.
