The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never done this before, because I've always been very independent about using resources. But I realized that right now I need to research and tell my story. I am 24 years old, and I've been through hell and back. I have recovered from many emotional traumas and I consider myself a very well functioning adult, with some emotional triggers, but great achievements and goals. The only problem is, in order for me to deeply relate to and love another individual, they tend to also be lost in some way. I guess I'm a serial dater of alcoholics. My father was one, and three abusive ex's were one. About a year and a half ago, I met an amazing guy. I also have a physical illness which makes dating difficult (which I've been doing for far longer than I will admit.) I've never been addicted to drugs, and thankfully SOMEHOW I missed the alcoholism gene (however I have codependent habits it seems).
For a year, I lived it up with this guy. We met at a bar and he was the rowdy messy type of guy, very masculine and a big party animal, and a lot of fun. But he was also very intelligent, romantic, compassionate, a great listener, and so much more. I had no problem keeping up with his lifestyle. We never drove or rode drunk, nobody ever got hurt, nobody ever lost a job. It was fairly balanced. However as we all know, a year into a relationship and the butterflies wear off. He admitted that he views himself as an alcoholic. He's not in denial. But his entire family is full of functioning alcoholics. He simply learned to accept it, he said. He's been drinking for 15 years (he is 31).
After a few times of getting a little too drunk myself, I realized that his lifestyle was triggering me. My PTSD and my anxiety went through the roof. But we talked about it daily and he listened. We took breaks, we went on nature walks together, had weekends with hardly any booze at all. But he always had at least a few beers.
As time goes on I am trying very hard to make better choices. Money is hard, everything is hard. I actively suffer from depression but I've been medication and therapy free for six years. I have a lot of skills and coping mechanisms, including spirituality and art. I do very well and I'm SO thankful for all of my support. But now it's time to support somebody else and I am terrified.
Realizing that we had started arguing a bit more, and that I was starting to feel the warning signs of resentment, I talked with him. Explained that his voice, his words, his behavior changes ever so slightly when he drinks but enough to trigger me. I explained that I promised myself I wouldn't be in a harmful relationship again and that I need to raise awareness of these red flags before they turn bad. It's a terrifying concept, because after five long term relationships that all failed, I've never felt MORE loved and supported. He opens his ears and his heart every time something hurts. It's extremely balanced.
But the arguments are there, the behavior patterns are there, and the triggers are there. I realize looking back on the last 1.5 years that I've spent quite a few mornings cuddling with him because he was too hungover to get out of bed. I plan to have a family before I'm 30. Staying in bed, things like that, will not be an option. He's never made me feel unsafe, but he has broken promises and chosen alcohol over me. Only a few occassions, over a long period of time, but I refuse to ignore the signs.
Recently he decided that he wants to feel healthier again. For a few months he has laid off of drinking during the week, but he binge drinks on the weekend. He can go through an 18 pack in a few hours and still cook dinner. But somehow he can go without ANY beer on a week day. That's a really good sign of willpower and priorities, right? Am I just creating an illusion? He has always been able to cut down- just, not stop. Nor did he want to. I promised I would never try to change him but I would love him for who he is.
Well something new happened. He's slowly been developing anxiety and he's had a few panic attacks, at work and at home. He has chest pains, high blood pressure, and other symptoms of declining health- but no sign of cardiac problems. He was taking an anxiety medication and something to ease lower his blood pressure but trying to balance that out just made him feel worse. A few days ago during a casual, relaxing drive, the afternoon after a long night out, he started panicking. He thought he was having a heart attack. We went to the ER and he had several tests done- no sign of any heart problems, at all. But his blood pressure was high and his magnesium was low. The doctor looked at him and said, "How much do you drink?"
That's when I started crying. Apparently, by trying to cut down and moderate his lifestyle, he had started developing withdrawel symptoms. We thought that by cutting back, he'd be healthier and things would be okay. In some ways, they are MUCH better. But gradually these symptoms keep appearing. Is it possible that by binging on the weekends, it's WORSE on his body?
He decided to do something. There in the hospital he looked at me and said he wants to change his life. He wants the same goals as me. We want to have a family together some day. Alcohol doesn't ruin anything or put us in danger, but it definitely makes things very hard. And so, today is day three of what will be our first "dry month" together. I'm not addicted, but I am an enabler. If anyone else has experienced this particular balance or situation please share your story. I'm terrified but at the same time I am SO happy that he has made this decision. I think he can do it, definitely. He's prideful and he won't go to AA, but he's willing to listen to me and receive my help and support. It's time that he slays his demons, and it's time that I do too.
-- Edited by Gem207 on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 06:52:10 PM
-- Edited by Gem207 on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 06:58:43 PM
Welcome to MIP. I'm glad you've found us. I hope you'll read around on the site and the many threads. There are many people with wisdom here.
Some people manage to control their drinking on their own. I guess in a way most people control their drinking on their own, or else the world would be 100% alcoholics.
Some, however, cannot. Through a combination of unlucky genetics and a whole lot of other factors, some have the disease of alcoholism, which is pretty much defined as not being able to stop by sheer willpower. When that's the case, the way they are able to stop, when they are determined, is by working a formal program of recovery hard over an extended period of time, and sticking with it, one day at a time, for years.
So your boyfriend's success or lack of success with his plan of stopping on his own will determine the subsequent steps.
In Al-Anon we have the three C's: we didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. That means that you shouldn't feel the responsibility of "helping" him or making sure he's on the right road or whatever. Sure, you don't want to wave beer around in his face when he's trying to stay sober (though a determined person in recovery would take steps to cope with even that). But you don't need to feel the burden of having to figure out how to help him the right way, or say the right thing, or be the right kind of influence. If he wants the support and tools provided by other people, the people to go to would be those who have experienced recovery from the inside and who have years of understanding, the people in AA or in rehab programs or other recovery programs. A girlfriend can't be anyone's higher power and shouldn't be expected to try. Not saying that you felt this way, but I know that many of us have, so I thought I'd mention it.
I hope you'll find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. That is the single best way we can be the right people for a healthier relationship, and the added bonus is that our own lives become so much more peaceful and serene.
Gem, welcome to MIP as well and thank you sharing with us what you undoubtedly perceive as alcoholic problems. From what I understand there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I am happy that he wants to change his life and wants the same goals as you. It would prove beneficial to you to begin working the 12 steps of Al-Anon and join a face to face group in order for you to be able to move from an enabler to an individual who is recovering from the insanity of the disease. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressive disease for which there is no cure, it can only be arrested, therefore it requires that you both get help. For your friend, AA would be the best insurance that his recovery will have some staying power, to go it alone is a tough road and hope that he would reconsider.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 07:33:39 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
A girlfriend can't be anyone's higher power and shouldn't be expected to try. Not saying that you felt this way, but I know that many of us have, so I thought I'd mention it.
This part will stick with me. Because of my own shortcomings and personal things I am working on, I struggle with the idea that I can't do more, and so I'm trying to learn that balance. I think that perhaps a group would help, but I don't see myself all the way going out unless things got worse. I won't rule it out. I realize it would help a lot. This step is the first big one for me. Thank you for saying that you did, including that information. I will remember it and try to ease up on the concepts of guilt and control.
Hi Gem, I met my AH when I was 27 and he was 33. We've been together 18 years. We met in a bar. My friends and I we all drank. Everyone seemed to party. We were young and carefree. My AH drank since he was 16. I didn't realize he had a problem until about a year into the relationship. We moved in together really quick. There were things he did that should've been red flags to me but I just overlooked them because I was in love and nothing was going to screw it up. I had been through plenty of failed relationships before and I was determined to make this one work.
Like you, I wanted kids. At this point in my life I was ready to settle down. I was tired of the bar scene. I got pregnant right away with our first child--a son. I thought having kids would change my AH. It didn't. It only got worse as each year passed. I would have to drag him out of the bar to help me unload groceries with my belly all huge. It seemed he lived there. He was hardly ever home. 3 years later we had a daughter. Same old thing. He wasn't around to help. I was like a single mother but married. I contemplated divorce, threw him out too many times to count but always took him back because I was miserable without him. I guess you could say I became addicted to my alcoholic.
When I had the kids I quit partying. He did not. His alcoholism got so bad we would have horrible fights in front of them. No physical abuse but a lot of yelling and screaming and throwing things in our house. My kids and my full time job kept me very busy. I didn't have too much time to dwell. But deep down I was missing something--A true companion. What I didn't realize was that an active alcoholic is not capable of that.
My AH is now 52 and very active in AA. He hasn't had a drink since June. I know it hasn't been that long but this is his third attempt to quit and I do feel this time is different. He's really trying and said he doesn't ever want to go back. It took me 18 years to realize I could not help him or change him. He had to do this all on his own--for him--to basically save his own life. I can certainly be supportive, but I know I can't stop him from picking up a drink. And it's not my fault if he does. It is truly a one day at a time program--for both of us.
Sometimes I think wow, I never thought I would be married to a raging alcoholic for all these years. And what would things be like if I broke it off right in the beginning at the first sign of trouble? These thoughts haunt me but we can't change the past. For one thing I wouldn't have my wonderful kids so I am forever grateful for that. Sometimes I think this is my cross to bear in life and it made me the person I am today. Most of the time I come across to people as very strong. But I know I can also be very weak when it comes to my AH.
I wish I had this forum years ago. Things may have turned out differently. So welcome Gem and keep coming back here for strength and wisdom so hopefully the right decisions come to you a little more easily.
That honestly made me tear up because it sounds so much like me and my situation, but also some of my biggest fears. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really is eye wakening to think of situations that seem similar to mine, that end up being a long term, damaging commitment and a lifelong struggle. I can imagine all of the wonder and struggles you must have. Your courage serves both as inspiration as well as a warning... And I see that at some point AA might become the only real option aside from not being in the situation in the first place. The awareness that this forum and today's resources provide should not be taken for granted; I will definitely take your advice on that. Thank you.
I'm so glad you could take something from my post. At the very least going forward with your relationship you will be educated on the disease of alcoholism. Something I was not. It would've saved us all a lot of heartache. (((Hugs)))
Gem, it is my sincere hope that what I wrote to you was not unfeeling
toward you and your situation. When I first came to MIP, my priority
was, what am I doing wrong, because I knew that I needed to work
on myself and absorbed the 12 steps in an effort to get to the bottom
of my personal responsibility for my part in the alcoholic insanity.
It is my wish for you that you are able to do the same, because once
I did, honestly work the steps, a whole new me appeared, one that
what so much happier, peace and dignified. That is my wish for you.
{{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
You sound like a smart young woman, but yes...there is some codependence in your post. His sobriety or lack there of is on him. You stated "we are on day 3." It's not we. It is he. He will not slay any alcoholic demon either and that stubborn willful quality is a poor prognosticator, not a good one. Alcoholism doesn't get "slain." It's a chronic disease that he will either stay in remission from or not depending on what he does to aid him in sobriety. Doing it on his own is not likely to go well. How is he going to fix his alcoholic thinking with the same alcoholic mind that causes him to drink? No...not everyone needs to go to AA...though it would be a much better indicator of his future success if he was talking about what he would do for his sobriety rather than what he won't do. He does not sound "very high functioning" either. He has physical dependence and sounds like he's fallen into benzo addiction as well which is super common with moderately progressed alcoholics. They have withdrawal symptoms that they interpret as anxiety, then start taking benzos with alcohol and the problems multiply from there. The doctor recognized his problem in like 2 minutes. It's not a "high functioning" problem. It's a serious and life threatening one. Honestly, Alanon will aid you to break some of your patterns. It also is the best way to influence recovery...model it through your own program. I'm not trying to depress you. I just want you to know you are dealing with alcoholism...plain and simple...not mini-alcoholism. It is a brutal disease and it's progressive without active recovery efforts and total abstinence.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 09:09:09 PM
Welcome to MIP -- so very glad you were able to find us and also the courage to share your story.
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. What Al-Anon has taught me is that if I want to be happy, joyous and free, I really needed to work on me and let the rest be for a long minute...
I came here very much wanting people here to tell me how to fix, cure, help, manage, control my A Son. He was under-age and out of control and in trouble with the law and deep into 'the scene'. He's 23 now and he's had one decent stretch of sobriety (4.5 years) but decided that he could do some controlled drinking. He got sober before he was legal to drink - *sigh* - so decided he was older and wiser. That worked well (not really) in his mind for a long minute - he ended up back into recovery after 5.5 months - already beaten by the disease.
But, he's now an adult and knows where he can find recovery if he chooses. I also have recovery and have learned that I can not cure him, nor control him and I didn't cause it or the relapse or the ......
I can speak from experience about the disease of alcoholism. It is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. The easiest way to find and have continuous sobriety is to have support. The largest support group is AA. Going it alone is possible, but as pinkchip points out, removing the alcohol doesn't remove the isms. Alcoholism is a disease that affects every part of the affected - mental, spiritual, physical and emotional as well as those who live with and/or love them.
It's called a family disease because of the reach it has beyond the affected person. For some, it manifests fast and they are either in jail, in recovery or floating thru life at an early age/stage. For others, it manifests slowly and they are a functional person for longer into their life. And then there are some who can take it or leave it - it's like coffee or milk with breakfast - a choice. For those with the addictive tendencies, even when they are 'on the wagon', they are thinking about it, wondering about it, almost lusting for it. They believe they are in control, when it's actually the reverse. I don't know that binge-drinking is any better or worse than daily drinking, but if the body is used to a certain level, it will go through withdrawal.
So - his recovery is his journey. Your recovery is your journey. The only suggestion I would give to you to pass to him is set aside your pride and go the an AA meeting. What on earth do you have to loose? Keep an open mind and plan to listen for similarities, not look for differences. My suggestion I am giving you for you is go to an Al-Anon meeting. Go to more Al-Anon meetings. Don't monitor his time, day, health, drinking, sobriety days - that's all on him. Focus on you and what makes you 'tick' and what makes you be who you are.
I've been sober 27+ years, married to an A who is active, have 2 sons who are both As - one in early recovery and the other active in addiction. Yet, I sit here and am happier than I've been in years. It's because I found me again in Al-Anon, I am living my truth and I am focusing on being the best me I can be - just for today!
Again, so glad you are here - start the separation of your recovery from his today and research some meetings. That's a great 'next right thing' and you won't regret it!
Keep coming back - so glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He does not sound "very high functioning" either. He has physical dependence and sounds like he's fallen into benzo addiction as well which is super common with moderately progressed alcoholics. They have withdrawal symptoms that they interpret as anxiety, then start taking benzos with alcohol and the problems multiply from there. The doctor recognized his problem in like 2 minutes. It's not a "high functioning" problem. It's a serious and life threatening one.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 09:09:09 PM
Holy. Crap. His gut was telling him he didn't want to be on any medications, that he didn't need them, that he didn't like the idea of it. I had no idea that Benzo addiction for alcoholics was a thing. I looked it up and my research is making me realize just how huge that is. I had NO idea. This is so important. He's spent the last year feeling like he's losing his mind, going through panic attacks and hyper tension and anxiety and irregular heart beats and high blood pressure and no tests showing any cardiac problems. Is this withdrawal all along? Can taking this sedative medication to ease an episode just end up as a replacement drug? So many important things that need to be known. I'm researching this and sharing it with him. Thank you so much for pointing this out. I really do understand how serious this could get. He will be relieved to know that the panic and anxiety will go away if he gets through this and it might be enough for him to consider formal treatment. There is denial in both of us, I think. In an attempt to treat gently and carefully. What a complex, fine balance that would be. I know that this is HIS fight. Mine is unique to his. And he is the only one who can make those choices. You're right. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Mandy... those are good points and you're right and I appreciate you taking the time to share them... I worry things like- how do I talk to him about my decision to go to meetings? How do I explain to him without scaring the crap out of him that I think it's that serious? Then I am realizing... that I would be doing this for me, going for me, and if I'm happy and healthy than I'll be a better, supportive partner as well. Oh boy. Just a few hours into posting this and I have so much to think about.
My suggestion - honesty...."I've been doing some research and I think I can benefit from attending Al-Anon meetings. If he's open to your research and findings, share what you found about the anxiety, alcohol, benzos, etc. - maybe send him a link to an article. And lastly, if you decide to tell him you joined a WONDERFUL GROUP OF PEOPLE online, and he asks about it, you can tell him that one lady has been clean/dry for more than 27 years and thinks it's a lot easier to do it with AA than without.....
Good luck Gem207 - one very important concept - one day at a time......the good news for today - there is a solution and support!
Take care!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
GEM...like a few others here, I am in AA and alanon. I know alanon is supposed to be about you, but my experience and knowledge is actually stronger on the AA side (though they let me stick around here lol). I know that makes some of my posts abrasive and am releived you didn't take it that way. Your boyfriend has all the symptoms I did upon entering AA 7 years ago. Hoping for the best for both of you!
I probably could have written your post 3 or so years ago. Met my AH and we drank and partied alongside each other for about a year. He was the wild, crazy, goofy life of the party who also had a soft and romantic and nerdy side. We got engaged and moved in together after a year. As we settled into day-to-day life together, I drank less, or rather, I noticed he was drinking a lot more than I had realized. I'd bring up my concerns and he was always receptive to them and would be willing to change and right after these talks we'd feel so much closer and connected and optimistic about our relationship and the future. I'd feel so good about the fact that he loved me so much that he'd work on himself for me (and I was constantly working on myself for him, trying to make it easy for him to stay away from alcohol by being super attentive and compassionate and empathetic.)
Right before we got married 2 years ago there was an incident where he got very drunk around friends and his behavior was reminiscent of a college kid; I was embarrassed for him and of him because it seemed like his friends had matured and he hadn't. We had a big blow out and he was so remorseful and agreed with me he had a problem with alcohol. He decided to stop drinking entirely. Things were good between us for a while but around that time he became sick with a "mystery illness." His liver functions were all off, but I suspect he didn't tell the doctor the extent of his drinking.
We got married, things were going pretty well. He decided he could handle alcohol in moderation and it seemed like he did OK with that. (And I knew because I was keeping track of what and when he drank, of course!)
Well, as it turns out, he wasn't drinking in moderation at all. He was drinking in excess and hiding it because he knew I'd be upset. And the only reason he had really agreed to stop drinking in the first place was to "make me happy." So if I didn't find out, I couldn't be unhappy about it. But he got sloppy. It was easy for me to tell by his demeanor and mannerisms that he'd been drinking (I know exactly what you mean about being triggered by that slight change in behavior) although he'd straight up lie if I asked him. I started getting paranoid and would question and nag him all the time, which just drove him to hide it and lie about it even more. We spiraled into this awful dynamic of him drinking, me nagging him, him lying, me doubting myself, etc. He started becoming distant, isolating himself, being downright mean (this guy who anyone outside the relationship would say is the nicest person they ever met!) to hide and deny what was going on. We got to a very dark place. I found concrete evidence of his drinking, in the form of hidden bottles and credit card charges for alcohol. We started counseling. He again pledged to stop drinking, but said he could do it himself, he's strong, he has control, he could have stopped whenever he wanted but chose not to...I tried and tried to show him I love him, I wanted to help, to ask him what I could do to help him, how I could change myself to make things better.
And on and on and on...until a few months ago when he got a DWI at twice the legal limit. He was drinking in the car to hide it from me.
This was part 1 of rock bottom for him. He was devastated, especially when he saw the effect it had on me. He agreed to go to AA. He made it 76 days sober before he relapsed. He relapsed because he STILL hadn't accepted he was an alcoholic. He accepted that he had been abusing alcohol, but he still believed it was circumstantial in some way. That he just had other "issues" he needed to resolve and the alcohol problem would simply go away.
He went to AA to prove to me and others that he was serious about recovery, but he wasn't committed to the program. When he relapsed he decided to see if he could drink in moderation. To prove to himself that he really could just drink 1 or 2 beers and stop. Well that led to 5 days of drinking.
Thankfully, the benefit that little experiment did have was proving to him that he IS an alcoholic. There is no "If I do this, if I change that, I will no longer be an alcoholic." No. Alcoholism is a disease for which there is no cure. He got back into AA, and he's embracing it this time. He got himself a sponsor and he's doing service within the program. He goes to a meeting every single day. He found an addiction therapist and we still go to couples counseling.
It's a lot of work. For both of us. But it's necessary. It's like if he had cancer. Would he believe he could get rid of it himself through sheer willpower? Would I believe that if I loved and supported him enough I could cure it? No, that's ridiculous! He'd need experts to guide him through treatment, and he and I would each need our own support system - he of other "survivors" like him and me of other spouses/family members who had suffered through losing a partner to illness.
I used to think my love and support and his integrity and self-control would be enough to change this. But I know now they are not and never were. I can still love and support him by learning the tools to deal with the disease and by working on being happy and healthy myself. I'm not going to be any good to anyone if I'm driving myself insane trying to figure out how to heal him. He's on his own journey. I'm there on the sidelines, yes, but I'm not a part of it. He has to do it himself, for himself, not for me.
Don't fall into the same trap I did. You could waste a few years going back and forth between thinking the problem is solved when it's being covered up or is just lurking waiting to rear it's head again.
Get yourself into AlAnon and do some learning, get some tools and some self-awareness. Hope that your behavior will be a model for him and maybe motivates him to do it, but have no expectations. Know that you'll be OK regardless of what he decides to do. Know that if he doesn't get sober right now, it's not your fault and you couldn't have forced him into it even if you were some sort of Jedi.
P.S. As far as high functioning goes...these past years while my husband was spiraling out of control with alcohol, he was working full time and getting his masters degree. He graduated with a 3.5 GPA. Sure, he was functioning, but that did make him not an alcoholic, and it didn't lessen the havoc alcohol wreaked on our lives.
-- Edited by RealitySucker on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 11:50:43 PM
Gem- Maybe you can get him to start with literature from AA, or books? I so hope he will at least get on and attend meetings here,if not face to face.. its a tough journey..his success should not depend on what you are doing or not doing. Its all up to him. You are on the right track.
It is important to be healthy, in order to start a healthy family. My thoughts will be with you.
__________________
"Feelings are never right or wrong, it is how you act on them."- Unknown
There are no AA meetings happening on the AA board portion of MIP, but he might benefit from asking questions and joining the discussion board there. There are other online AA meetings but I think face to face is even more important for AA, especially in the beginning. Either way, you would benefit from face to face alanon and/or meetings here.
Gem as you can see from all of these posts you are not alone. Like you, I met and married a great guy that I had met in a bar. His partying didn't seem abnormal until years later when everyone started to settle down, progress in their careers and have kids. He was a high functioning alcoholic for years until his drinking finally caught up to him and he became a full blown alcoholic. He managed to maintain his job but when the bell hit 5 he was off to the races and drinking (usually in secret once he got home). We have two young kids and finally it got so bad this winter that I couldn't be in denial anymore. Through a sequence of events he couldn't be in denial either and went into complete withdrawal a few months back when he tried to stop drinking and ended up in the hospital detoxing. We were both shocked and scared to see how sick he got and I am hoping it was the wake up call he needed as his dr. bascially said he could have died.
Al Anon face to face meetings have been such a blessing to me. Maybe if you start going to meetings that will help him realize he may need more support other than just you (which is a lot for you to handle). For AA meetings there are newcomer meetings and ones that are all male meetings. The ones that my husband has really liked where the all male newcomer meetings which are a bit longer but he has made some real connections at those meetings.
Sending you tons of hugs. This is such a hard thing to go through.
My AH was the life of the party, sweet, funny, romantic, etc. When we first met, I was 29 and he was 42, but he came across as much younger due to what I initially viewed as his "carefree, spontaneous" lifestyle. Of course, I now know that his youthful ways and the fact that his friends his own age were so far ahead of him (careers, marriage, children) was a symptom of the disease. It's strange but I think that we intitially worked in spite of the age gap because the alcoholism had stunted his maturity. In those days, I drank with him a lot more often than I care to admit knowing what I know now. We had a lot of stupid, wreckless fun. We were head over heels for each other that first year, but we were lucky we didn't get ourselves killed in some of our little drunken adventures. As a side-note, he has kept the same job as long as I've known him, but I don't think that makes him any more functional than the unemployed alcoholic.
Then weird stuff started happening. We got married and started talking about having a baby. Then we moved in to a bigger place. I cut back on my drinking. He kept drinking at the same pace. We started arguing more about his drinking. I started going to Al-Anon meetings and quit drinking to prepare for being a parent. He kept drinking at the same pace. I got pregnant, my career took off pretty much overnight, and I kept urging him to seek treatment for alcoholism. He kept drinking at the same pace. I had the baby and started juggling being a new parent, working a full-time job, and deeply resenting my "carefree, spontaneous" husband. He kept drinking at the same pace.
I had outgrown him and it all happened in the course of under five years. He didn't change at all. I grew and my attitudes and behaviors changed as I aged because that is what is supposed to happen in healthy individuals. Being an active alcoholic had stunted my husband and he was stuck at about 16. For awhile there, I struggled not to take on the role of disapproving parent towards him. F2f Al-Anon meetings and literature helped a lot with that. He kept promising to quit, but kept insisting that he could quit on his own. He claimed he didn't need AA or any treatment program, yet he was throwing up almost every morning and his hands would shake and he'd have what looked like panic attacks when alchohol wasn't readily available. He had to sneak alcohol at inappropriate times, like in the morning or on his lunch break, to keep from having the same withdrawl symptoms you have described in your boyfriend.
Anyway, after the situation became unbearable for us both, my husband went in to intensive outpatient treatment for 10 weeks. He just finished it last week and has started going to AA meetings daily since it is still so early in his sobriety. I don't know if you're aware of the term "dry drunk." It is when an alcoholic who has quit drinking exhibits behavior that one may expect in an active alcoholic, like extreme moodiness, irritability, irrational thoughts or behavior. In other words, they may not be drinking but they're still behaving like they are. My husband was a bit of a dry drunk at first and it was terrible. Luckily, he was working a program that educated him on dry drunk behavior and helped him to identify triggers and coping skills. I suppose alcoholics may be able to quit and stay quit without AA or another program, but I would hate to think of what my husband would be acting like right now without his program.
.I had outgrown him and it all happened in the course of under five years. He didn't change at all. I grew and my attitudes and behaviors changed as I aged because that is what is supposed to happen in healthy individuals. Being an active alcoholic had stunted my husband and he was stuck at about 16.
This! So much this! Even in 3 years I "outgrew" my AH as I matured and he stayed the same. Except he was stuck at maybe 21/22.
Smiley...the age difference between you and your husband is the same as mine and my husband. I too thought at first he was youthful and fun. We had lots of fun together at the expense, I am afraid, of my two then young children. Now fast forward 20 years. I am 49 and he will be 62 and I am changing again in the empty nest, young grandchildren phase of my life and he is missing out on so much of it. I feel we have grown apart as I continue to grow and change and he stays stagnant and grows bitter as life passes him by.
I am thankful your husband found recovery!
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Gem. I'm so glad you have found MIP. you will gain so much from Al Anon. I have been married to my AH for 20 years. I, like you, used to enjoy drinking with him but then stopped once we started having children. I never realized at that time just how much my AH was drinking because he was not home much at all. I think I mistakenly thought he only drank with me on the weekends, but he was drinking every day. I had no idea the extent of his problem or how bad it would become. My AH has tried to quit many times, trying to make me part of his "program to quit". It never ended well and just left me disappointed, resentful and very angry.
I do hope you AH's recovery is going well, but please remember that you didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Only he can. I have been reading tons on co- dependency lately and it has been very helpful and eye-opening to the many ways that I contribute to the craziness that is living with an alcoholic. So glad you are here - keep coming back :)
Smiley99 wrote: "I had outgrown him and it all happened in the course of under five years. He didn't change at all. I grew and my attitudes and behaviors changed as I aged because that is what is supposed to happen in healthy individuals. Being an active alcoholic had stunted my husband and he was stuck at about 16. "
Smiley99! Yes! This is true in my life also! Sometimes I beat myself up thinking "I'm just not fun anymore" but that's not it and in my head I know this...I have grown up. He is still living life as a college kid (actually way worse than this) in regards to the drinking. Sad reality but thank you for sharing this!
-- Edited by Fairlee on Wednesday 19th of August 2015 05:54:02 PM
Gem, you are not alone. Just hold on to the fact that you cannot take care of anyone or offer them support if you don't take care of yourself first, so focus on you. There is only one of you and only so much you can do!
If it helps, am going through the whole "dry drunk" thing right now with AH and it is more horrible that I could have imagined. Going through his initial rehab stage was so awful that I guess once he was out, in my monkey-mind, part of me hoped that things would be better and just keep getting that way, because I was exhausted and sick of being scared and defensive and herding-the-Jekyll-and-Hyde-alcoholic mode...never knowing what the next day would bring.
I can say that it was painful to admit to myself that the unicorns farting rainbows don't prance out of the forest within the first year of sobriety. It was hard not to realize that the gigantic, neverending, thankless support role was by no means over. We are past his first year and some of his behavior is just as mean, just as irrational, just as emotionally cruel and immature except there's no beer involved. That's really scary, because it leaves you saying, "Is this it? Is this all he is? Why am I here again? Why have I chosen this maniac?" It doesn't help that he has gone all the way over to the other side and become totally obsessed with his health routines while criticizing mine. As you might expect our intimacy level has dropped to about zero, which doesn't help my emotional state. We are still working together and I think we can get through this as a couple with enough tough love and communication, but it is not easy and I am not bounding around scattering flower petals every morning with joy here.
So, just know that you're not alone and we're all pulling for you!
