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HI guys, this is my first time posting. I'm a little nervous, not sure what to expect here. I've been married to my AH for 13 years. He has been physically abusive a couple of times, that forced me to call the cops on him.. We have two young kids under 10. My AH doesn't get violent often but he is intimidating and loud when drunk. Couple of months ago , he pick up the kids from school intoxicated-needless to say that got him in trouble. Now he is attending AA meetings, intensive outpatient sessions. However, he still drinks when he can. All these is a joke to him. He is doing it just to show the judge that he is a good boy and he can be back in the house. when he was home, he would drink daily- about 6 strong beers... on his days off he would drink a lot more.. i call him : A FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC... THANKS for listening.
There is no such thing as a "functional Alcoholic" that is the biggest oxymoron going. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that eventually emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually bankrupts all it touches this includes family and friends.
He obviously doesn't see an issue with his behavior and the disease has a hold on him so he can't see there is an issue. This is not a pass for bad behavior .. I love what someone shared here or I read somewhere I can't remember .. Yes, I am an alcoholic .. Yes, I am sick .. I am still responsible active or sober for the choices and consequences I make.
Welcome here and I hope you will keep coming back. I had the intimidation factor in my relationship with my XAH he was 6'5 and not a small boy either. Thankfully he never got physical with me because he also knew me well enough to know there were certain lines he couldn't cross and I did use the law to put him in jail at one point because he wouldn't leave me alone.
For yourself and the kids I would only encourage you to seek some services through the Domestic Violence Shelters. It always scares me to hear stories about violence because it is so easy to wind up dead in these situations. Do keep coming back here and do keep taking care of you.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I just want to say Serenity your first paragraph says it all. That really hit home for me. It is so very sad and true.
Welcome MG! Serenity is right. It only takes one instance of physical abuse from him for you to end up dead.
I have been married to my AH for 15 years. Thankfully he has never been violent and thankfully he is actively participating in a recovery program. Still doesn't make it easy to live with. In his case he was barely functioning. Pretty much committing slow suicide. He got so sick of feeling sick that he decided to get help. It took 18 years. The kids are teenagers now. We are almost in financial ruin.
I have scoured the Internet for information on living with an A. Everything I read said to high tail it out of there if he/she is physically abusive. You and your kids' safety is of utmost importance. I know there are some spouses who rely on the other's income and can't make it financially on their own. But there are women's shelters out there that you can contact for help. It may be hard to get on your feet financially but it will be worth it to still be alive. I don't know if this is the case for you but it is for so many women.
From what you said it sounds like your AH is not ready to stop drinking and is only participating in the programs because it's court ordered. I remember the first time my AH went into long term rehab. It was only because we held an intervention and forced him to go. He just wasn't ready to surrender at that time. He went right back to drinking within 6 months. They have to first admit there is a problem and then really want to save themselves from the misery. For now just concentrate on you. I know easier said than done. (((Hugs)))
Serenity - your first paragraph really nailed it.
Mvg - you have come to the right place. The others in this group are great at giving the support one needs.
I could have written your post. My AH was arrested when he picked up our three children and drove them to the library while drunk.
I encourage you to revisit the idea that it only takes one instance of abuse for it to have gone too far....
As for my situation, since the day it happened, I have lived as a single mother who happens to have a grown man as a roommate. He is never left alone with the kids, they are never allowed in a vehicle which he is driving, and it will continue like this until I feel confident and comfortable with his ability to stay sober and parent responsibly.
He admitted last week that he was only attending meetings and participating in his group therapy because it looks good to the courts.
His charges were dismissed today, so we shall see where it takes us.
Hello MVG and welcome to MIP! We are here to support each other and practice our Al-Anon program as best we can!
Serenity did hit the nail on the head - spot on. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. I am a double-winner which means I am a member of both sides - AA & Al-Anon. I can tell you from my own personal experience that nobody or nothing (including a nudge from the judge) was enough for me to quit/seek recovery. It took ME realizing that my life was a wreck and my brain was a really, really bad place to be...
Until someone is willing and honest, recovery is not possible. Having said that, I always welcome those that are court-ordered with open arms as many do show up, hear something and it clicks - that is me or that could be me. Also, I'm one who believes that AA does wreck someone's drinking, so attending meetings in denial is not actually a pointless step. It's an hour/two/three per week that he's not active...(that's what I told myself) and it gives you that same time to work on you or have a break.
Al-Anon is all about recovery for those of us who live with or love an alcoholic. We learn here that we are powerless over people, places, things and that we should stay on our side of the street, and work on our own actions, attitudes, reactions and peace of mind.
So very glad that you have joined us and that you posted! Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is difficult living with an alcoholic and I know from my own experience that my views of what was normal or acceptable became distorted. I found it very difficult to admit that the man I loved was actually behaving the way that he was and that he had little regard for the feelings of others. The healthy part of all that was that I have been learning to look after myself and to value the life that I am living by filling it with positive things. Alanon has helped me to learn about this. Reading the posts of others and meeting others at meetings who take care of themselves despite the crazy situations that alcoholism brings into their lives has been a huge eye opener.
Your health and the health of your children matter and I'm wondering how you cope with your situation. We have a saying 'you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it'. Once I came to see that I couldn't make my husband stop drinking, only he could do that, I started to focus on what I could control to make my life more manageable. I hope you keep coming back. It is a very difficult situation and one that we don't have to deal with on our own.
Let me add a little bit about my situation. my AH used to work in NYC - trading options and futures. For a couple of years he made quite a bit of money- "we" bought a house. He put all the money for the down payment and renovations- he could afford it - I was working part-time . Market went down...he decided to step out. my AH spent 3-4 years at home...doing basically nothing but cooking dinner and watching the kids. whatever money he had from trading -gone. In the meantime, I had to go back to work full time.I work 6 days a week. Financially I'm surviving. I'm pay all the bills..my employer doesn't offer any benefits. I pay for health insurance myself for kids and me.. as of right now, he went back to work getting paid minimal wage- his excuse: he has a criminal record..he can't get a real job anymore- which he hasn't even try to apply for. You see, I'm not dependent of him financially. It's the other way around.
MILkWOOD, you are so right!. My perception of reality has become distorted as I come to realize after being in this forum for a day! as far as coping goes- I don't I guess.. I cry often. I get upset at myself . Like someone said...I think I'm addicted to my AH, codependent.
-- Edited by mvg on Wednesday 19th of August 2015 10:10:49 AM
I was under the impression employers could no longer ask about criminal background?? Maybe I misunderstood that law changing. My XAH was arrested for violation of a TRO and gotten multiple DUIS as well as a bad conduct discharge from the military .. So it would have to be a felony issue to keep him in the past from getting a job? I'm just saying it has to be pretty grievous for something like that to happen. Neither here nor there .. I hope you can attend some alanon meetings face to face stuff and find some peace ave stability in your situation. Before I started alanon I remember talking to a girlfriend and explaining how my XAH was chopping wood in the house at 3am. Yes you read that right .. After alanon same girlfriend and I will laugh about that story because that's how distorted my thinking was .. I acted as if he was making breakfast in the kitchen. We did live in the country lol. Still most people don't chop wood in the house. Hugs.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Again, I could have written your post. After making good money, my AH stayed home to watch the kids for several years up until his arrest. He still doesnt feel as though he needs to work because we survive on my income.
I know the boys and I would survive without him, but I just can't bring myself to leave yet...im not done fighting for our marriage. If I leave, I know my AH would give up on us and not truly believe I still love him.
Aloha mvq and welcome to the board....the family has made your acquaintance and offered their experiences, strengths and hopes and there is much more coming. Women or Man will easily associate with where you are at now in your relationship with your alcoholic which for me JUST SUCKS cause I've been there myself however am not there at the moment...said with a smile. Stick around and participate and learn with us on how to live in peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Listen to the suggestions of face to face meetings, literature, sponsor, steps and traditions and more which we have all been led to live with and which helped us replace our sadness with serenity and happiness. Much to learn and as you learn you become helpful to others. This is a world wide disease and it is old...thousands of years old and not impossible to get out of. Keep coming back, you're family now. (((((hugs)))))
My Experience, Strength & Hope - if I allow my qualifiers to sit around, not work, not help then that's what they will do. If I set healthy boundaries and rules for the home, they have choices to participate or not. If they choose different than expected/agreed upon, they are no longer welcome. I raised my children and did a great job. I have no interest in raising my adults.
As far as criminal records and jobs, it's different for each state. Most states still do background checks and some employers will not hire any felons and others will not hire some felons. It's a trial/error effort. So, he may be right for your state....
We can not force anyone to do 'the next right thing.' We can only work on ourselves, and hope our example rubs off. May you find peace in the program and serenity through your growth!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi welcome
Maybe he has to hit rock bottom before he can see how much alcohol it truly affecting him. Don't hessitate to keep yourself safe have him charged if you have too. My guy booked himself into a detox after his last brush with the police. He is still sober but only 3 weeks and wants to come home. Just as he is trying to break a cycle.I need to break mine too of having him home after he smashes up our house and all the rest. In away I am enabling him to treat me the same time and time again. I am worth more than that and so are YOU!!!! He has to prove it with actions over a long period before he is getting a seat back at our dinner table... Time to start doing things for yourself ðð
Xx
