The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's One Day at a Time in AlAnon (ODAT) holds a good reminder of what works most effectively to reduce the pain that we may feel from someone's drinking.
Most who come to AlAnon have a long list of painful experiences that we have tried, unsuccessfully, to address on our own. The page notes that the absolute worst thing we can do is to keep reviewing these details, returning our focus on the negative behavior and perceived faults of the alcoholic. ODAT likens this to "polish[ing] up our halos of martyrdom."
What is the best thing we can do to if we want to have peace of mind? Erase these bad memories from our minds. Our duty is not to keep a mental list of others' transgressions, but instead, become aware of our own actions, identify areas we can improve, and follow the suggestions of the program to try on a new, positive perspective that will be better for us and everyone, including the alcoholic.
The reading is a reminder that hanging on to these painful memories is a waste of our time and our life. All we are doing is refreshing our own pain and slowing down our own recovery. We can clear our mind of the negative events, if we stop putting the effort into holding onto them.
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This concept helped me immensely when I first came in, and is something that I need regular reminders on. I find myself tempted to focus on the actions of others instead of focusing on my own thoughts and actions. I have found, however, just as AlAnon suggests, that it has been surprisingly easy to drop the bad memories and negative feelings when I commit to letting them go and focus on what I can control, which is me.
I am so grateful for the guidance and wisdom of AlAnon...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Great post Paul. I too need constant reminders to let go of the past and all the things my A "did" to me. I need to learn to stop the blame game as it is truly a waste of time and this precious life.
Me too, me too, me too!!! I appreciate the daily Paul and also the ESH. I am amazed at how working on me has resulted in forgiveness beyond my expectations for the actions/words of my As from the past. This program has taught me how to look into the past without staring/dwelling/fixating on it. I am grateful for that as I always felt before I got here that I carried this super-sized suitcase of hurts, resentments, etc. I walk taller now and free-er than ever before.
Grateful to be on this journey with you all!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Paul, love this topic, because I can remember when I first found MIP
my biggest concern was, how do I stop the negative attitude that I had for my
AH, how do I stop the anger and resentment. You and everyone here helped
me to see that by working the steps, I would get my answers and I did,
almost immediately!
What a relief.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
So glad this page resonated, and encouraging to hear how you all have put so much work into it. I feel that this point is incredibly important to recovery and growth in the program, and therefore to happiness and peace.
I found my reluctance to simply let go of a past behavior or hurt was tied to Steps 1 and 2, acceptance of the powerlessness over alcohol, and a lingering sliver of belief that my life would feel more manageable and I would feel less insane if my qualifier could be held publicly accountable for unpleasant behavior...I wanted others to understand my terrible pain.
Focus on alcohol as a disease helped me greatly, realizing that my impulsive desire for retribution by further punishing my qualifier was incredibly cruel and unloving given the burden and pain that they already bore. The other side of it was seeing how unpleasant I felt with such an ugly wish held within me. When I am able to flush that negativity out and replace it with love and hope, the peace that I regain is priceless.
I was a lifetime away from that realization on my own, thank you AlAnon, and thank you all for your shares...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
This is definitely something that I must work on..I have had much trouble hashing out everything my AH has done or said that hurts me so much. I have spent so much time explaining to friends, making excuses
for him not wanting to do things w/them..he keeps me from going with them as well, and it is not fair to me. I have become very resentful.
I need to get the courage to just go w/o him and have a good time. The consequence of me choosing to go out is his consequence for his drinking, I should not have to be a slave to that stupid bottle of whiskey.
Thank you for sharing.
__________________
"Feelings are never right or wrong, it is how you act on them."- Unknown
