It's not your fault you are in this situation with your husband. You didn't plan to be married to an alcoholic. Take a deep breath and please let go of the self blame. That is counter productive. You didn't cause this.

Welcome!

Also Debra - you could edit out your last name and all that if you are worried about anonymity.

I'm new here too Debra and I think this place/program will help us. Just wanting to send you lots of love and support and I'm glad you're here.

I understand exactly what you mean. Co-dependent is one of those misunderstood throwaway buzz-words with vague meanings. There is a bit of vagueness with the Al-anon terminology too, people say 'work the steps' and other things that we don't know the meaning of but there's a heck of a lot of wisdom here for people like you and me. I understand your skepticism, I had it too.

By the way, books on co-dependence and topics like that often miss the mark. The thing about al-anon is that it's all direct from people who have lived it. These guys don't miss the mark. They're spot on. This is the first body of work I've ever related to. I hope you find some solace in it.

When you feel really raw and hurt, it's probably natural to feel too exposed at the idea of a group. If your family's anything like mine, we were programmed that if we showed painful emotions, fears, cried, spoke the truth or showed weakness, we'd be severely punished or derided. My alcoholics didn't want to see my pain, it made them feel bad so they hit and screamed at me. Now I'm a grown up, deep down I still think that is going to happen if I expose my deepest feelings. Doing that in a group could seem horrifying, especially with anxiety and depression, however imagine doing it in a group one day and it being OK! If they loved and supported us through it unconditionally and without judgment, that itself would be hugely healing. It'd be a whole new experience to challenge the deep beliefs that give us the anxiety and depression. I read in a little Al-anon book that that has been some peoples' experience. Al-anon people seem to be very compassionate. Let's hope we find good strong face to face meetings when the time is right for us, if we want to.

We're so lucky to be alive right now with the internet, and places like this available to us immediately.

Thank you, I really enjoyed the meeting. I should have been here years ago. I just did not believe I needed to be. Wow who was I fooling!...

 

 

I love that response Iamhere because it is knowledgeable and compassionate which is what I needed when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon so self centered and oppositionally defiant.  I of course shined the whole thing on and left and upon coming back the second time  was blessed to hear the message again.  Being new is being empty able to being filled with Experience, Strength and Hope from those who came before me and hung around for me with unconditional love.   I had to learn  humility to keep my seat and then I now believe that the definition of humility is "being teachable"  (Thank you sponsor).   Keep coming back...give away what you learn and you will keep it for a life time.   (((((hugs)))))

As one of the other newbies, Im glad the two of you are here. Do things for you...that's my focus for the next few weeks..and finding compassion for the meanie that I live with.

Empathy Empathy Empathy...gonna dust off the parenting books ( Love and Logic parenting) that taught me about that, it worked wonderfully when I had to learn to let consequences teach my kids.  After all, the husband acts like

a baby/kid these days!

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, glad we have these great people here to help!

I was unable to make the meeting this morning. I took a Xanax last night because I had not had much sleep in several days and I had 2 doctors appointments this morning one with my chiropractor (she is the one who suggested Al-Anon to me and the other I had to go back to the imaging center for more pictures and a ultrasound on my left breast..another reason for the Xanax I was not going to let that keep me awake again. I am so tired of things like that OWNING me, controlling how I feel... just like the A's in my life. If I had gotten up in time I would have made part of the meeting, however I slept until 9 (central time) which was my appointment time...A year ago that would have NEVER happened. I do not like being late for things like that. Luckily the the Dr I was going to is awesome and I was able to reschedule for after the 2nd appointment. I have a globus hystericus! Anyone ever hear of this wonderful annoying thing????? when they told me what it was all I could do was laugh and thought to myself now I am really losing it. Globus hystericus: sensation of having lump in throat when there is nothing there. It may result from abnormal muscle activity or esophagus sensitivity due to Stress, Anxiety, Depression. And I thought I had a problem with my thyroid..Ha! when explained to me the Dr said.. well you know how when you cry or see a sad movie or read a sad book and say gee that gave me a lump in my throat........ that is globus hystericus you have the feeling but but there is no lump...and he said it will be very annoying ..and he is right. so I starting taking notes on when this lovely lump appears....It is OWNING ME!!!! Just like the A's in my life!
Last night while I attended the meeting, (my computer is in the living room) my AH was behind me the whole time on the sofa watching tv doing what he does (drinking)getting up stumbling to the bathroom a few times. And it took every bit of power in me every bit of little strength that I had to not move, not say a word, not say are you ok? not tell him to go to bed.
I learned a lot about the 3 C's yesterday. Whew this is not going to be easy. I feel like there must be something I can do. He can go a few days without and he really is a wonderful person when he does a little bit on negative though. when he is drinking he is not violent per say... depends on what he drinks then he is verbally mean..

Debra, sorry you are having such a bad time of it, saying a prayer for you and
wishing you much luck. Been there with the call back and re-imaging
situation. HP is watching over you. {{HUGS}}

-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 20th of August 2015 05:02:00 AM

TY ..I have given this non lump a name I call it "lumpy" ...Ha!  I have to find humor in it or else it will take me to below the bottom!!! and I refuse to go any further down. Thanks to my new family here at Al-Anon I am realizing there may actually be a way up! I am able to breath a little better than I could yesterday. Of course I have had the feeling before of believing that i was on my way up before, only to be disappointed and come back down...so I will not yet have high hopes..I will just keep coming back and see..   My AH went 11 days without a drink just before my sister passed away. (so I thought) The most before that it was anywhere from 3-5. I was so proud of him and thought well maybe this time it was it....we have an beautiful relationship when he is sober. Then my sister died, my anxiety and stress got worse trying to do everything I possibly could for my family (mother, sisters, my sisters husband, her children, my son, his wife and son) and he started drinking again..claimed it was me, my stress stressed him out. Then when it was all over with a week or so later on a day he was sober. I said to him when he was feeling a little down about his drinking...well you did good last time...next time you will go 12 days.....He said and I quote "Debra I did not go 12 days, those 12 days I had at least one beer or two to take the edge off, but by the time you got home from work, you couldnt tell." I had no words for him. I was shocked and I felt I had failed for some reason, even though deep down I know I had nothing to do with it. Heck I was at work right? Sometimes I talk to my A sister about him when she is sober.. and I will say to her..I dont get it  and she will say Debs...I do..but it is hard to explain. I think maybe if I can talk to her I can find answers in helping him. She herself has told me many time you cannot help him..so she knows... but I am having a hard time believing that. He tells me to just pray for him, and I do. Anyway..enough rant...ty for the prayers...I too have added each and everyone of you here to my prayers each day. ((((( To ALL ))) 

 

Deb -

Praying for an A is one of the absolute best tools we got! I say go for it, as it's a powerful tool that we've seen work miracles!

Hope all is better today.....I agree with pinkchip - all I needed for my recovery was in the program. And, my family also needed a break, and a long vacation....!