The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Jacq, welcome to MIP. I think you already know the answer to your question. It has been said, "When in doubt, do nothing". Please consider joining an Al-Anon group and working the 12 steps, you would greatly benefit from both! Thank you for sharing with us your concerns and questions and please continue to come back and talk with us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease for which there is no cure, it can only be arrested. No one is responsible for an alcoholic's behavior or sobriety, only the "A" can make those decisions. You are not alone.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 05:55:58 AM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Jacq and welcome! So glad you found this forum. Your first priority should be keeping yourself safe if your fiancé is physically abusing you. You can't help him stay clean and sober. That's a battle he has to fight on his own. Even if he's not going to a rehab he should be following a good recovery program such as AA. Unfortunately he sounds in denial which is extremely common.
My AH went through a two week inpatient detox program. He too felt a long term rehab was not for him as he had been through one before and it didn't work at the time. He attended intensive outpatient program as soon as he left detox and attends daily AA meetings. He obtained a sponsor the day he left detox. So he is actively working a program. Although he is not drinking, some selfish personality traits still linger. I am trying to keep my expectations of him low right now and live one day at a time. I do not drink in front of him nor do I keep alcohol in the home. But I know deep down if he really wants to drink all he has to do is drive around the corner to the nearest liquor store.
This forum helps me to see I am not alone and the feelings I have are quite normal. My AH has never physically abused me but there has been emotional and financial turmoil throughout our entire 15 year marriage. I know you will get lots of good advice here as I have so keep coming back!
It's not your job to help him stay sober. It could also place you in danger from what you stated. 99 percent chance he cannot handle it on his own. They all say that until they get beat down enough to go to AA or NA regularly with a humble attitude. Just some facts about addiction so you can make your own choices.
Welcome to MIP and so glad you are here and found us.
Recovery is a personal journey - each doing what he/she needs to battle the disease.
I would recommend you engage in the Al-Anon program so you can do the next best right thing for you.
One of my favorite Al-Anon slogans - When in doubt.....Don't. This helps me realize that I do not have to decide everything/anything today - especially if I have reservations, concerns or not enough information....
Keep coming back - thanks for your share!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Jacq. Just wanted to share I understand. I too had been in an abusive relationship. The last abuser nearly killed me. That was 2 years ago and I still have flashbacks of the attack to this day. I was in therapy for a long time to deal with the pain of abuse and betrayal. He had been in jail 3 times for abusing me and each time he begged me to come home and I fell for the lies. He kept saying it was my fault he hit me and never took responsibility for what he did though he was in jail for what he did. One time I even went to jail faithfully to see him and I believed every word he said. I accepted his phone calls and his feel sorry for me talk. I loved him so much I did these things. He promised me over and over again he would never touch me again and I believed the lies and made it my reality. I believed every lie he said as the absolute truth. I went to domestic violence support groups as well and was told over and over the abuse will get worse if I do not get out. I could not believe it until that fateful morning he came home. He was out drinking all weekend and came home Sunday morning and cornered me in the kitchen and started yelling at me for no reason. I had a cup of coffee in my hand and threw it in his face to get away from him as he had me in the kitchen cornered against the stove. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged to the bedroom and threw me on my back and sat on me and began hitting and punching me all over my body. I kept seeing stars and I was screaming in pain. As he was hitting me he said I am going to kill you! I finally went into a ball to protect my face and he kept hitting and kicking me in the back and after beating me badly he said to me, you mother fucker. After beating me he sexually assaulted me. I was covered in bruises and I was sober! He got charged and spent time in jail and during his time in jail I packed up and moved. We were living together at the time and I threw all his belongs out in the dump and I also found out he was having an affair. His gf came to my home and picked up a box if his belongings. I threw the rest away and she kept calling asking for the remainder of his things. I lived in the area of the assault for a year as I could not move elsewhere and now I have moved to a different area of the city I live in. I have not seen or heard from him since. The restraining order that was in effect just expired this march. I still struggle but I have to remind myself daily I am a survivor and I am safe now. I faced death and I was able to get out. My suggestion to you is get out while you have a life still. He next assault could be your life. Have a safety plan always ready. Get help for yourself. I understand.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I am definitely not having him back in the house anytime soon. He is trying every guilt trip in the book. But I feel stronger and awake to his manipulation now. No easy fix this time! I have family and close friends but it's nice to talk to people who have lived or are living like this. He was given a good behaviour bond 12mths
And has to report to corrective services and they will advise on what courses or AA he has to do. So hope he gets the help he needs great guy but he has a lot of baggage. Thanks again guys so very grateful for your replys )))
Welcome Jacq. Your strength is encouraging - it sounds like you know what you need to do and you realize what he is doing for what it is. So glad you are here! :)
)))