The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you guys know how to function in a normal life?
Did anyone learn it in adulthood?
It seems so boring. But I don't want the alternative either.
For me, I was built and developed around high-octane activities and situations. Now my life is very peaceful. But I don't know how to function in the mundane. I only know how to manage crises. When the crises go away, I'm an empty vessel.
I don't know how to manage a house, I don't know how to stay abreast of school newsletters, I don't know how to create structure and discipline, I don't know how to plan a budget, I don't know ANYTHING normal. I don't know anything about insurance or retirement plans, I don't remember to pay bills or take my bins out. I fly by the seat of my pants unnecessarily. I don't seem to be able to fully enter the 'normal life'. It all seems very un-important to me. I don't know how to have myself in a continuous eating and sleeping schedule either. BASICS elude me.
If your kid was somewhere dangerous I'd know how to break and enter and kidnap him or her to safety, I'd know how to approach a stark raving mad lunatic holding a knife, and I'd know how to conduct myself in a dangerous street. These are things I know I excel at. Those skills are useless to me now. Have been for years.
Maybe I should become a police officer or emergency service person just so I can go to familiar dangerous places and feel at home? That's one option but it doesn't strike me as healthiest.
So my life - I'm blessed in that my partner is not an alcoholic, he is from a very 'normal' family, we are from different planets really and I can't relate to him or anyone else. I managed by some miracle to surround myself with normal types but now feel like a complete alien to them all. I'm bluffing. I'm caught between the two worlds. In my immediate life there's no craziness unless I hang out with my mum or family of origin. But in all that quietude where people do things like save money and buy houses and visit in-laws and it's all so civilised, I've my hands in the air saying, 'well, now what?'
How do people get consumed or engaged with day to day life when there's no urgency or emergency?? I think I only know how to operate under fight or flight.
How the f am I going to learn this stuff? I'm stuck in a holding pattern. I've been totally obsessed with alcoholism and its effects on my family and I, it's all I've been doing forever, either living it or ruminating over it.
If I don't find out how to function, I won't reach my potential. I perform really well at work for a whole host of ACoA reasons so I know I'm CAPABLE of understanding structure and implementing it, but I seem to resist doing it at home.
I also struggle to relate to my children. I don't know what it's like to be a child in a house without alcoholism. No doubt my own illness has impacted them, I'm not saying I've given them the perfect time, but because I didn't develop normally I don't understand firsthand what it's like to be a child.
I'm sick of it. Today is my only day off work to do things for my home life like tax and wotnot, and I'm paralysed.
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Right now I'm trying to make each day a little more productive than the last. Today I needed to do a lot of work and felt I couldn't. I did some work, made a mental list (written would have been much better) of what else I needed to do and answered a few calls and emails.... and then did a bunch of laundry. NOT ideal but better than laying on the couch or bed or watching video's all day to avoid the emotional pain that's been bugging me.
I'm trying to remember progress NOT perfection...Also your higher power can help you find YOUR normal. Remember NOT to judge your insides by other peoples outsides.
Best of luck, I didn't have normal either growing up not alcoholic but not normal either and everyone things we are the picture perfect family... so it's all in what we make of it. HOPE your tomorrow is good, a step in the right direction and your best form of normal yet!!!
-- Edited by glad on Monday 17th of August 2015 11:52:59 PM
Although it felt uncomfortable I found it quite useful when I started looking at why I did well with some types of behaviours and not so well with others.
I like to help and rescue people. That worked well in my work life but not so well in my marriage. So I started to think about what new careers I could explore that would give me the kicks (which for me was knowing that I had made a small difference in a positive way) without the risks of burnout or taking away another persons power. I also spent some time figuring out what it was from my upbringing that made me seek out challenges and what it was about the things that I didn't want to do that made me uncomfortable (in my case that was a fear of being a boring Stepford Wife). Then I thought about some people who I liked and admired and in many cases they were calm, capable people so that helped me to recognise that it was ok to be calm and capable some of the time!
We don't have to be perfect at everything we do and sometimes the things that we avoid turn out to be easy when we face up to them. I'm not good with budgets but I do feel calmer and that fizzy stress stops when I've knuckled down figured out where my finances are at. Be gentle with yourself! You can do all those things, and it doesn't define who you are if you do them, it just makes life a bit easier!
Quite often that "needing a crisis" state is the sign of an underlying depression. It's like e need an emergency to give us the adrenaline to get going.
I also struggle with keeping on top of things like chores. I attribute that to depression too. It has helped to start slowing down and trying to savor the small things. When we're always in a state of emergency, we lose the habit of noticing things like the way the light falls, the way lunch tastes, a nice email from a friend. I am trying to linger over them and appreciate them. Retraining my brain to notice the subtleties.
I am reminded of my ex. He couldn't appreciate normal food at all. The flavors were too subtle. He poured a ton of hot sauce over nearly everything. So it all tasted the same - extreme.
When I start to notice the subtleties, I become more aware of what I like and don't like. That helps me choose more of the ordinary things I do like.
I hear meditation and mindfulness are also helpful, and I want to look more into these. Maybe they would be useful to you too.
Every response here is rich with wisdom and understanding. I appreciate it and relate deeply to everything you've all said. That's so valuable. You've all highlighted really important parts of it. You're very gifted at understanding the depths of what might be happening. You couldn't train a therapist to be this insightful. You're the first group of people who hasn't given me a haphazard, superficial, one-dimensional response to anything I've said.
I don't know why (don't need to) but it's like some kind of blinker has dislodged and over the past few days, I'm in a lot less denial and can see things much more clearly. Not about the alcoholic, but about me. It began to feel overwhelming today as I can't fix everything about myself immediately.
Perfectionism is a big part of all of this, including the 'inability to be normal'. As well as a deep feeling of being overwhelmingly crushed by life. Those feelings must have got stuck in me at some point. I can understand how they came about but I'm no longer willing to harbor those feelings. If I was wired by 27 years of hard-livin, HP can help me rewire :)
Thank you for giving me hope and a sense of something stable and trustworthy
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
I can somewhat relate, hiraeth, although my experience has less to do with an difficult upbringing and more to do with anxiety I've struggled with since I was young. The anxiety has little to do with my AH, since it started when I was a child, though it likely has something to do with why I chose him as a partner and is certainly intensified with all the unknowns that go along with loving an alcoholic.
In normal, day-to-day life, my anxiety affects everything I do or don't do. Some days I feel like I'm functioning at a minimal level. When I think of all the things I should be doing (normal things! like chores and grocery shopping and such) I get overwhelmed and sometimes shut down. Most people who don't know me well would not suspect this. I've been able to put up a good front and I do my job well, but inside I feel like I'm clueless and floundering.
However, when there's a crisis, somehow I'm immediately calm, rational, and productive. I know what needs to get done and I do it. I do whatever it takes. I guess that probably has to do with the adrenaline someone mentioned above - certainly my day to day attitude borders on depression, along with the anxiety. But when in crisis mode, I can rise above. I recognize that isn't healthy and I am trying to work on it.
One of the particular tools from Al Anon that I have found helpful is the Just For Today bookmark (which I think is given to newbies at meetings? It was given to me at my first f2f meeting.) It makes it really simple if you try to stick to what it tells you.
Particularly these points:
- Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not try to tackle my whole life problem at once; - Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer; - Just for today I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise; - Just for today I will have a program.
There are more, but these help me when I feel like I started getting overwhelmed with daily tasks and would rather procrastinate and do nothing!! For example, sometimes the two things I don't want to do will be two chores. Sometimes the thing I do to strengthen my mind is learning something I feel I should know - maybe in your case something like setting up auto pay for bills or doing your taxes. Work the program!
-- Edited by RealitySucker on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 04:48:39 PM
-- Edited by RealitySucker on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 04:50:01 PM
I too can relate......I am very intelligent and a self-starter, self-managed employee at work. However, I do not do well with structured down-time.
I am one who....must have a list, a calendar and a plan. I take pleasure in checking things off my list - from cleaning a closet, to paying bills, to attending a meeting to ...
I am a goal-setter - even silly things like meditation, exercise, drinking water, etc. I also do best with routines. I tend to get up, feed the dog, walk the dog, check my email, visit MIP, etc. - same tasks each day. However, they don't appear boring or mundane as they align with my passion(s).
I had a sponsor who asked me what I was 'passionate' about. Of course, she asked at a point in my program where I had just passed from extreme chaos, craziness and drama to a numb state. She made me put onto paper what I was passionate about.
We then discussed how can I tie what I need to do with what I am passionate about. Trust me, nobody wants to pay bills....but if I know that paying the bills saves me money which allows me to do something different, then it's a bit more 'exciting'. I don't like late fees and/or penalties - that's just giving $$ away.
So, I am passionate about rescue animals. I am passionate about comfortable retirement. I am passionate about healthy lifestyle choices - mental, physical, spiritual and psychological. When I have to dust/vacuum, I view it as exercise.
So, for me, it was all about my outlook and attitude. If I wake up with an attitude to be grateful for my life, health and home, I'm more likely to want to maintain/improve those things. I encourage you to embrace the program, the steps and a sponsor. I believe in the power of positive living now vs. just going through the motions. I'm so 'weird' that I even challenge myself to unload the dishwasher during one commercial break.....LOL.
I've changed my outlook upon everything and view it as an opportunity instead of a chore.
HTH!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
