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I'm a tired Newbie here, Oh where to start & as the topic suggests I will spare the intricate details.
I'm 51 y/o and have been dealing with my alcoholic older sister for far too long, I would have taken a bullet for her even through all the abuse but I'm simply at the end of my tether. This has been happening for many years, my parents continue to live in denial, rug sweepers & enablers....they don't seem to acknowledge, realize or understand how their enabling affects me... she has put them through hell too but not as much a me...the target of all abuse, dare to say no & I'm a dead woman & the one expected to take responsibility for all her ill actions & if I ever said anything about her actions I was causing trouble.
Currently I'm at a loss as what to do, I have always warned my mother I didn't want to deal with her during their last days, up until recently sister never bothered or was supportive in any way towards our parents...she's always been MIA & if she ever was around trouble follows. Well this week our father is under threat of dying, I have been no contact with sister for 2 years now since I decided to make a stance alone & received an abusive phone call a few weeks back, which she initiated & was once a regular occurrence before no contact. She is staying at our parents house with our mother while our father is in hospital, I have always been our parents support system, this makes it difficult to see my parents at this time due to no contact, the most painful thing is, my mother is tired of her abusive ways too but can see no way around it except to expect me to take it....and I won't....as this has always been expected of me
I have been tolerant, supportive, used & abused....I just can't do it anymore. I'm finding myself resenting my mother for expecting me to cop the constant abuse for her peace sake, I always get the "Turn the other cheek" line too...my cheeks are black & blue bruised..I can no longer do it....and mother will not stand up to her which is probably the result of sister holding the grand children as ransom many years back. I'm finding it extremely difficult to even be around them & with my sister staying at my parents & always accompanying my mother to the hospital to visit our father I feel excluded & hurt....and no I'm not the jealous type.
Any advice....how do I handle this fragile situation...I know I should just bite the bullet & take it but damn after so many years of copping it I'm at war with myself..... the worst thing is my sister knows she's got it over me too...and is playing our mum like a fiddle...because she can....I know at a time like this "It's not about me"......but it's never been about me.
I'm going through a very similar situation my Dad who I was closer than close to over the last few years (82) was in a fatal car accident on June 23, 2014. In the past When I mentioned to my siblings he needed help and not to be driving they gave good words and called him a little more but didn't really offer much- busy with their lives- now that Dad's gone they are all over MOM providing support like crazy and shutting me out. I just want to scream where was all this attention when I told you they Both needed you!!!
The fall out from my alcoholic brother and just plain mean as heck sister and mother has been really hard.
The best I've come up with as of today is to take care of me, yes Mom is getting taken advantage of, yes the family including extended family has said I have stolen things from the home, at the hand of my brother records have been destroyed that prove I not only do not owe my Dad money but have actually been helping him a little lately. Most hurtful... his honors and awards from work we did together are out of my reach, his plants that he watered daily and cared for in winter and summer that I would love to have just one of are likely dead... and I've been told I"m poor me and to stop my blubbering... and not to call or come by my mother's home.
Well I feel pretty poor me and yep I want to blubber sometimes.
I've also been thinking of the "turn the other cheek thing" as well as the forgive as he forgave us.
Perhaps it's turn the other cheek, and WALK AWAY, perhaps it's Forgive but don't open ourselves up to more pain. Perhaps the love your enemy and Pray for those who persecute you, it a matter of turn it over to God and love with distance- I still believe the God of my understanding wants me to take care of me.... resolve what I can, and leave the rest to him.
Yes I'm worried about my Mom who has turned all her finances over to my alcoholic brother, YES I have said and done some very immature things in retaliation when pushed to the extream (that's the hardest part letting my self be human and forgiving myself) and I have questions about that part, why did retaliation make me feel better yet embarrassed at the same time??? to finally stand up for myself yet I knew it wasn't really mature to do so?? weird..
Anyway I'm processing a lot and trying to live life, get work done and not ruin my good relationships in my life now too. I've had severe migraines and sometimes so depressed its crazy, my loving daughter says to just let it go.. and I try but pick it back up daily...
So I wanted to reach out and say I know a little of what you must be feeling, God is good and a gratitude list helps me some too.
Just finally having some kind of understanding brought tears to my eye's & an overwhelming sense of relief, it's a lonely place being the backbone yet not reciprocal, another smacker was your user name is actually my fathers name.
It's such a hurtful situation to be in, never would I have thought my close relationship with my parents could be damaged, whilst I conformed it was ok but since I started to buck the denial rug sweeping system it all fell in a heap. I just want peace but not at the expense of being an abused doormat.
I do have much to be grateful for & has been my focus over the last couple of years.
If i moved down by my mother to take care of her as
She would like i would be adding to this storyline. I
Keep telling her i am taking care of me right now.
She is 82 still has a bf that comes and goes. She just
Wants me near when needed. It would have been the
Worst thing i could have done for myself in my recovery.
Talk about highly dyshfunctional family.
I hope to one day be strong enough to deal with her
As needed. She expects her three daughters two that live
Near me to take turns. No thoughts of assisted living
In her future.
Have you considered face to face Al-anon meetings? It would seem that you would greatly benefit, the Al-anon protocol, steps, slogans, prayers, meditations and traditions would help you to regain your peace, dignity and sanity.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and the courage to post!
I am with Debb on this - immerse yourself in this program and put you first. There is nothing you can do to change any of them....it's a sad reality - but you can change you. Al-Anon has given me the tools to deal with my life, my actions, my reactions, my emotions, etc. and given me the strength and self-esteem to make better choices and take better actions.
The first thing I learned in Al-Anon was the three 3Cs - I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't change it. Those 3 concepts gave me breathing room to find a small amount of peace which helped me settle myself enough to get to F2F meetings for support and program help.
Again, so glad you are here - keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I recognized from a very young age that things weren't right, especially with sister, irrational & violent, I believe with undiagnosed bi-polar hence lived under the cover of alcohol, I also believe my parents knew deep down there was a problem but was allocated to the 'too hard basket" & swept away as not happening, nothing to see here and was always someone else's fault such as peer group...our mother still to this day will blame sisters ex-husband for her alcoholism...he's not an alcoholic but he is to blame because apparently he introduced her to it...Arrgghh.
I am the, or should I say was, the family backbone, the constant support to all family members, I became an expectation, I had one time of need, when our then 6 y/o was diagnosed with blood cancer....other than minimal support from my parents the others were MIA...I must say it hurt... made me feel worthless, not worth their time or effort, it was probably a blessing to not have the alcoholic drama during that traumatic period anyhow...but I know I graved the support of a loving family, which I've never had...but I wanted it so badly.
Now I just feel like a choice when it's inconvenient for the others not to be there, on the weekend when father landed in hospital, it wasn't convenient for the brother & sister, sister needs notice to drive, narcissistic brother has never cared & lives under the caring guise...neither turned up, so I'll do for the time being, sister eventually sobers up enough to drive, I'm no longer required, kicked to curb....you can go now.
Yes I have considered Al-anon many years back, unfortunately there isn't a group in my area, I live rural, the closest group is 2 1/2 hours drive away.
I recognized many years ago I need my peace, dignity & sanity as you've said, so I began a personal journey via reading educating myself on strategies.
I learnt many years ago I cannot change this situation, I've kept myself reactions in check but I feel I've suppressed every emotion in doing this, I want to head to the highest mountain & scream & scream.
I agree with the 3 concepts of which I accept, I didn't cause it & have no guilt or regrets, I can't control it & don't even try, I can't change it & accept what is....
I try to be detached as best I can but how can I avoid being abused & blamed for everything wrong in her life, which has made so much wrong in the whole families life...I don't know how to be around the family & not be attacked causing me to defend myself. The last 12 mths I have been using the exit the building strategy & not defending myself against false accusations but how do I do that in this current situation with my dying father.
I will involve myself here further over the next few months but at this moment I feel my backs against the wall & don't know how to deal with this situation I find myself in, I need to get through the next few weeks. My father took a bad turn last night apparently, my mother called aggressively as she is in the company of sister, this morning a message was left on my phone from mother, her tone sounded regretful & calmer & father is doing better this morning.
I want to be there but something is pulling me back....self preservation maybe.
I've always been strong....is it I don't want to give them the satisfaction of witnessing me crumbling....I don't know.
-- Edited by Enuff on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 12:19:07 AM
Sorry to hear of your situation
I have nursed for 11yrs and seen similar family dynamics when a patient is dying. Your sole focus needs to be on your dad regardless of your sister and her disease. This time it is not about her. You have power to ignore her or keep it to a minimum. Your mum however blindsided she is she needs your support. You can also ask the nurses to call you when your sister has left the hospital so you can visit your dad in peace. Hope this helps in some way take care
Enuff, if you cannot attend a local f2f meeting then you can join our
twice daily meetings here on this board. Locate the link at the top
left side of this screen. Also, I would recommend working the 12
steps, which you can do on this board as well and the link to them
is on the top right hand side of this website screen. Please keep
coming back to talk with us, because we care and you are not alone!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
This..."This time it is not about her" ....so right & so simple, why didn't I think of this! I've know for many years I have the power to ignore her but my mother calls me out when I do & in front of sister, can you believe that... which only serves to empower & enable her negative behavior more....making me feel like a scorned child of which I resent...hence why I went no contact.
I will tell my mother nicely yet firmly (away from sister) "This time it is not about her" I will be coming to the hospital for Dad & you, the fact that sister is present is not my concern nor yours.
Yes.... just that simple fact/statement has helped greatly
I so agree with what Jacq has said...it's not about your brother, sister, mother, or even you at this point. It's about the patient and their recovery or demise. I am the youngest of 4, and I was the devil child and black sheep. I have one brother who still (we're in our 50s) looks at me with that, "You're a brat look at each holiday." I have learned by working on me that what others think of me is not my concern. If I am doing the next right thing, and my motives are pure, I can let the looks, words, etc. roll off my back.
When I am not program centered, and when I am lacking self-esteem or self-confidence, my old tapes start up again - those that tell me that I am the devil child, the black sheep, the bad one, the less than worthy one. In times like this, I am so grateful for this program and my sponsor and my program friends. One, two or all can get me through those times, often with grace and dignity.
I have also learned in this program to 'Say what I mean, Mean what I Say, but not say it mean. If I were visiting a sick parent in the hospital, and another person, family or not began some type of attack on me, today I am able to say calmly, This is not the time nor the place. Let's be civil and enjoy our visit with Dad. If that doesn't work, by all means you can leave, you can ask them to leave, or you can ask for a time to return when you can visit alone.
It took me a while to realize that no matter what I have done or did do in my past, I still have rights. I have the right to live and love how I choose to so long as my motives and actions are pure.
One day at a time, one step at a time, this program can and will assist you to be what you want to be. Detaching is not always easy, especially when there is true-life issues. It's still possible though with help and support from those who've walked before me!
(((Hugs))) - so sorry for all that's going on in this for you and your family.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Enuff, I posted this once before and thought I would do the same, in response to you eventually joining meetings and step work:
When I first came to MIP, my priority was, what am I doing wrong, because I knew that I needed to work on myself and absorbed the 12 steps in an effort to get to the bottom of my personal responsibility for my part in the alcoholic insanity. It is my wish for you that you are able to do the same, because once I did, honestly work the steps, a whole new me appeared, one that so much happier, peaceful and dignified. That is my wish for you when you are ready. {{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 18th of August 2015 08:50:09 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
