The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i discovered last week that my AH is having an affair. He is getting ready to leave the marriage, I can feel it. I have been an emotional mess over the past week and have a long way to go. Am seeing a counsellor tomorrow. Something else has also happened - I have opened up to a couple of close friends. I had to mention the alcohol as it is part of the story. In doing so I realized that I have been isolating myself from the people around me. Both were shocked. I didn't want to talk with my friends because I did not want to tell people about my AH's drinking. Reconnecting with my friends has made me much calmer and happier. It made me realize how isolated I had become. I also had a meltdown at my home Al Anon meeting. I could hardly speak I was so upset. They were terrific and spoke with me for a long time after the meeting. It was they who suggested to me not to keep it all in when speaking with others. It has been a revelation and has given me strength. I have deteriorated in many ways as a person over the years, with my AH' drinking. It is an insidious process and creeps up on you. I know many of you have written about a similar experience. I feel disloyal, but I have little care after what he has done. And this isn't the first time but I guess it will be the last. It will mean me moving back to my home country, as I would isolated in North America.
Oh Billie you are singing my story .. I'm so sorry for the intense amount of pain you are in. Stick very close to your meetings and if you don't have a sponsor find one! That's how I got through the worst of times the people here made a huge difference. Chances are the affair won't last even if it does she's getting what you got in him. He's looking for feel gooda. Mine needed to bag and tag a new enabler quickly .. It took 3 years to get divorced and literally he had a poor sucker lined up. I'm in a much better place there is hope and I have found a strength I didn't know I had. Be very gentle with yourself and I do encourage you to have a support team around you. Hugs it really gets better. Hugs s ;)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
So very sorry also for the pain you are in. Kudos to you for sharing in your local Al-Anon meeting, for sharing here and for sharing with close friends.
I can only speak for myself, but when I am in immense pain, it tends to lesson each time I share. It's almost as if I am giving parts of the pain away each time. In my experience, you are going to be grieving - loss of trust, loss of dreams, etc. - so just know you aren't alone when you feel like it!
As best as you can, keep taking care of you. Doing what you've done so far is great self-care - keep it up! I agree with Serenity - a sponsor would be extremely helpful as you walk through this next period in your life. If you don't have one, either find one or get several numbers of trusted program friends and use them!
I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Post anytime - we're usually close by!
(((Hugs))) to you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Billie)))) Aloha...you are not alone unless you keep yourself locked up with the problem. Take your time telling your story so you can feel comfortable in your own skin after doing it. That was important for me because I didn't have much room for more shame and guilt and resentment with anger. The fellowship will help you thru it...Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
You can make an entirely new set of friends and supports starting through alanon. You are only as isolated as you make yourself. Doesn't sound like your AH was stopping the isolation, he was perpetuating it.
Hi Betrayal. My heart goes out to u. I can only speak for myself but I have had panic attacks and terrible migraines when I left my ah.. It hurt like crazy but I swear afterward three weeks I feel so much stronger then the last 10 years. I think the more we separate from them the more our body and heart transform itself back to the living. It felt like I was in life support and my body has been shocked back to life- I survived it it sucked but the other side is so much better I promise. I went to the ER twice and dr several times in the last two weeks- my migraines were worst then they have ever been and when I finally realized (this past Thursday) it was from all the stress from the separation my panic attacks got better and then the migraine went away. Sometimes awareness helps and gives us strength. I am really grateful for life now, very grateful.
Welcome Billie~I can relate to your situation. My spouse had an emotional affair that lasted for years, denying it the entire time, drinking, lying and sneaking around. My world collapsed. I never thought I could recover. But with Alanon I have learned to love myself and not need my spouse to make me happy or anything. I have two years in program, a wonderful sponsor, read daily, and get to the board when I can. I encourage you to give Alanon a chance to help you, as it has done for me. I also go to a F2F meeting which is supportive and unconditional accepting. Keep coming back, Lyne
Betrayal of trust and faith is something i
Am still struggling with and i am now
divorced. It burns in my heart and soul,
No easy answers even with seperation or
divorce.
There are expectations in marriage and
Vows were made. Now they sit broken
And destroyed.
Keep working your program and welcome
Your HP ( mine is God) into your life. God
can do what we Can not seem to do. He can
heal you from the inside out, it al takes
time.
Be gentle With yourself. This is a painful
Journey in recovery. Work steps 1, 2 and
3 over and over again. Keep reaching out
For loving support from healthy people. Keep
Away from negative people they will not be
Helpful to your journey of emotional health
And wellbeing. I needed to keep moving forward
Not being sucked backwards.
Thank to you all for your wonderful posts. I will keep going to f2f meetings and I am going to get a sponsor. It's hard living with my H at the moment as he is still 'considering his options.' A man can only serve one master and I cannot compete with the fantasy and thrill of an affair, so I am assuming our marriage is over. The constant looking at his phone and hiding in the bathroom to speak with her is frankly juvenile, it makes me laugh. I am getting a lot of,support and I think I might talk with my doctor about medication for anxiety. It could really help me through this. I am also getting legal advice to protect myself.
Billie you sound like a very strong person to me after all you're going through. I think it's a good idea to see a counselor to talk it all out. That really helps me when I see my therapist. I walk out of the session feeling a lot better and able to think more clearly on what my next steps should be. I don't know if my AH has ever had an affair. There were times i would call his cell and ask when he was coming home and he would say 10 minutes and hang up on me. Hours would go by and he still wouldn't come home. This went on for years. He swears he didn't but how do I really know? I still felt cheated and betrayed. He was choosing alcohol and partying over me and the kids. I also believe he has never gotten over an ex GF. I feel this way because of things he has said to me and things I've read that he has written about her. I am too old to compete with an addiction and the memory of a former love. We deserve to be first choice to someone not second best. I hope you continue to find the strength you need to move on.
I took a couple of steps back yesterday late evening. I started thinking very negatively. Stayed up until midnight (way past my bed time) and didn't sleep well. Note to self: look after yourself. I feel awful today, anxious and upset. I did have cause to speak with my AH earlier and noticed that my anxiety was soothed by talking with him - not about anything in particular. I clearly need to work on this, as matters will get worse and I do not want to turn into someone who isn't able to function. That's an addiction all in itself! Also realized that I have given over the power for my happiness to this person and lost myself in the process. Also it isn't fair to put that sort of pressure (responsibility for my happiness) on another person.
Billie big hugs glad you came back here. It is a slip and slide process especially in the beginning and I can't stress enough be gentle on you. I constantly have to remind myself I didn't get here overnight I'm not going to get well overnight either. I remember in the throws of it all I did what my body dictated without hiding .. If I couldn't sleep I cleaned and read something that fed my mind. I came here posted random things sometimes. If I needed to take a nap or go to bed early I did that. It helped having kids as I didn't have a choice except to put one foot.in front of the other every day. Gratitude lists are huge A-Z. Something to quite my mind or change my perspective. Hugs again.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It's normal to have good days and bad days. I was at my lowest point a couple months ago and I would say barely able to function. I am not proud of that time. I hate feeling "weak" and as you said relying upon my AH for happiness. But that is all I knew how to do for 18 years.
Like Serenity, I too have children who were counting on me thank God. It was not good for them at all to see me in that state. The mind is a very powerful thing. It can play tricks on us. But I do believe with practice we can train it to think a certain way.
You are going through one of the toughest things in life. Take baby steps and keep coming back here to chat and/or vent. Just remember you are worth it!
I also wanted to say that the good days are going to get longer and the bad moments will be a blink of an eye. The good days I really hold on to even now because if things are bad don't worry this too shall pass .. if things are good don't worry this to shall pass .. LOL .. it just kind of is what it is.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It happens, and it's just a part of recovery. There are good and bad moments and good and bad days. The beauty of the program is that you 'see' what has happened and can work to deter that in the future.
I go through spells where it's easier to not talk with my A son, as every time I do, I tend to get sad and non-functioning/non-functional. It's gotten shorter and shorter and shorter, but it does still happen.
I do my absolute best at the end of these calls to turn him over to my HP - asking him to guide and protect my son, based on his will and the power to carry that out. That helps tons....
Just know that you are not alone and sad/mad/bad moments do come and do go. I agree with Serenity - the balance changes with step/program work! Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Billie
Its important to self care, put your well being first.
I had an XAH, who fathered children, twins with another woman. I know it doesn't help, but it happens
quite frequent with substance abusers. Just remember there real lover is the bottle. That's more of a problem
then any woman. That will be over, but the bottle will still be there.
Just take care of yourself. Rely on Alanon and the tools to help you with solutions and goals for yourself.
He is going to do what he's going to do as long as he is drinking and not in treatment.
Thanks Bettina. You are all very wise on this forum. Yes I go faithfully now to my home Al Anon meeting and it is helping. I will shortly approach the group about getting a sponsor. Opening up to close friends and Stopping the secrets and denial myself has been very important in me moving forward. I am looking after myself and want to run before I can walk - I take a deep breath and remember, one day at a time. At this point I need to make some decisions about our living arrangments - I already have a level of detachment and can see that it is not acceptable and not good for us to stay together if my AH is refusing to stop seeing the woman. It is a deal breaker. He continues to deny and lie - caught him in a lie today about money. I am becoming very protective of myself around money and I have no tolerance. I have most of the control around money (my credit cards, I have a much higher salary, etc) and am watching closely. If he wants to drink to excess and wine and dine another woman, he can do it on his own dime.
You sound strong Billie keep it up. Good
Self Protection at work!
The stronger i got in alanon the better
It was for me. I had a job and no children
So i was okay there. Its all the rest of the
Stuff and my ah has been dry and in AA.
It is still an emotional minefield Toward
recovery and acceptance. Keep up the
Good work.
After my xah left me for his AA gf i started
really Opening up and being honest at my
Meetings. This doormat came alive.
I have been at it for awhile and struggle
Every day. Highs and lows, peaks and
valleys. My HP is holding my hand giving
Me the strength to move thru it.
We No longer live together and have no
contact. Its been 60 days. Lots of adjustments
after 30 years of marriage. I live in an apt
13 miles away after a year seperation and
Divorce proceedings. It was brutal Emotionally.
Be gentle and kind to yourself and remember
God loves You, as you are. Self love and acceptance
Are the Cornerstone to healing oneself with
Your HP paving the way.
I am sorry to hear that Miranda. i wish you strength in the coming months.
My AH has a powerful effect on me. Today he is sober and a different person altogether (apart from the lies). I look at him and wonder if I am correct in thinking he is an alcoholic. There are no outward signs - he looks healthy, sounds sensible and is present. I suppose it isn't about him, but I do start to second guess myself and wonder if really it's my fault that he is having an affair. Maybe I am the problem. I the remind myself it isn't my fault he drinks, and he is responsible for the choices he makes! including breaking marriage bonds. It's a difficult one for me.
Billie
-- Edited by Billie on Saturday 22nd of August 2015 07:45:14 PM
His bad choices are not about you there was a point I could look at my relationship with my XAH and realize that I did have a part in it .. you know what .. that will came when I was really ready to look at it. No, having an affair is a bad choice there are a million things that can be done differently and I can't remember if I posted this on this thread and I can't remember where I heard it .. an A saying yes, she has a disease and yes, she's sick however she's still responsible for her choices and consequences regardless if she's an active A or in recovery (I changed the wording a bit .. LOL .. that is the basic gist). Reality is drunk, sober whatever choices all come with consequences.
My XAH wanted his feel goods while keeping his "property" the kids and I on the side so he could say it was all my fault that our marriage ended .. in my case it took him longer to bag and tag the next enabler .. turns out the one he had only wants him when he's married .. apparently she's posting to his facebook again .. and all I can think is the poor new wife.
Something Alanon taught me is I would never be sexy enough, good enough, clean enough house, thin enough for him while he was in the drunk behavior and NO you aren't imagining things .. he has issues that's why it's more important to focus on you vs what is or is not wrong with him. The issue with the disease there is never enough .. ever and I know the deep hole of dissatisfaction with my own issues I can't imagine what that is like after burying them and self medicating .. the self hatred must be so overwhelming .. it is not a pass to be disrespectful .. I would have had so much more respect for my XAH had he just left the marriage instead of doing it the way he did .. I have zero respect for him. He put my sexual health at risk and no one has a right to do that to another human being especially since we have young kids together .. what he does with his body that's on him however to be sleeping with multiple people or one person outside of the marriage is just not ok and then to lie about it. I'm worth so much more than that and honestly it's weird because it wasn't the drinking that lead to the break up .. it was the infidelity and everyone needs to walk their own path that is a MAJOR deal breaker for me.
Now I brought my own baggage to the marriage .. I'm addressing those things now and that all takes time .. I only continue to encourage you to be so very gentle with yourself you have a right to be loved without someone else putting their garbage on you .. we all do even the A's however at this point let him take care of himself and you do the same. I'm going to give a fair warning of the initial shock of things depending on how you process there will come a wave of anger so be prepared .. lol .. it is ok .. it is ok to be angry it's a feeling not a fact and it also is a process through the denial as well as the grief. I got a little stuck there .. lol .. and that's ok too because it's my process and my journey. I put up with a lot less crap from my XAH than I have in the past and he's had some real reality checks regarding it.
Anyway, it's all good and you will be ok.
My XAH would binge meaning he didn't drink daily the issues happened when he did drink .. it is a progressive issue and with him I believe it has progressed the new wife is now covering for him so that tells me all is not good. When the spiritual, mental, emotional, physical bankrupting starts happening that is where there are issues and YES .. there is probably an issue because again it goes back to responsibility for choices and having an affair is a choice. Drinking may be a compulsion .. affairs are a choice.
Stick to the facts of what you know and just stand quietly in your own truth regardless of what he is or isn't doing.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thinking through the relationship, and being completely frank here, I think the writing was on the wall early on. That would have been about 19 years ago. I walked past the office at home one evening and my A was watching internet porn. He had moved in about four months into the relationship. He needed somewhere to live. Really hardcore stuff. Our sex life was brilliant at first, but around this time tailored off more than I would have liked. My A (not then married) apologized and said an active sex life wasn't his thing. I am not interested in Internet porn, which I believe exploits women. Then there were the charges on our phone line for sex - not sure what, but you can use your imagination. That was two weeks before we were married. It was a high bill as well, about $400. And it went on from there. A few weeks after we were married we went out for a meal. Out of nowhere came a nasty, pointed comment about me during the meal that floored me. Never had he said anything remotely abusive like that before we were married. It went on from there, with alcohol slowly taking centre stage and the flowers and gifts flowing less often. Saying he was working when he was in the bar, disappearing wine from the bottle (I drink an occasional red wine with my meal). And then there were women - always a woman he would speak about all the time. I am not saying they were affairs, but obviously a fixation of his. Different women over the years.
Given all of the above the question I have started asking myself is: I did recognize early on that there was an issue, many red flags, but why didn't I deal with it? On each occasion I certainly tried to talk with him, but communication was always lacking. He can never understand why he does these things. He doesn't even offer an explanation - unless it involves me - things not being right between us, him being bored, anything to make our relationship the problem. But he is never proactive with trying to fix these things. Since moving to North America from Europe the issue has mostly been alcohol, with infidelity now taking centre stage. And even with infidelity - I forgave him enough to back in 2010 to continue the marriage. But he still wouldn't talk about it. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me - but you know is it? Because here he is, doing it again (and I have a suspicion it might be the same person as in 2010, although so what) and he is still in the house. I cooked his dinner this evening. He is glued to his phone still, right now.
So I do see I have had a big part to play. Someone I spoke with the other day recounted leaving her boyfriend because he watches Internet porn. They were due to get married. Good for her. 20 years on and I am still stuck in the same place. I say thank god for Al Anon and groups like this one. It is helping me understand the need to focus on myself. But it is at times like earlier this evening when I really feel vulnerable and scared for the future.
Thanks for listening,
Billie
-- Edited by Billie on Saturday 22nd of August 2015 08:55:12 PM
Billie you know that the disease is -always- cunning powerful and baffling and often times we help it along in distorting our perceptions. What you know and experience about the disease is real...keep it real and forget second guessing it. Just wanting it to be different is an open door for the disease to find us relaxing and then taking us out. Keep coming back and "to thine own self be true". ((((hugs))))
Billie
You are doing a wonderful job. I laughed out loud at the image of him hiding in the bathroom with the phone ... Only because it struck a cord when I went through it đ
Focus on you, your program, releasing your feelings and taking care of you. In five years, you will be doing amazing things and he will still be hiding in the bathroom đ
Sending love and support đđđđ
I had a phone call from my A's aunt and uncle this morning. We are close. They invited us to their place next weekend. A is playing golf this morning. I felt bad - I really wanted to tell them what is going on, but didn't feel I could. This has been my pattern for years now. I do speak with my friends now about my truth and feelings, but not his family. I went right back into myself. This self isolation and putting on a veneer of normality, covering up the truth, has had a terrible effect on me over the years. I can really see that now.
Thats what coming out of denial is all about.
The blinders that kept us sane until we reached
Out for help and/ or were on rock bottom and
knew we needed help.
With My xah family i do not discuss anything, My
MIL says he is not an A because he does not drink.
She comes from it and denies its a problem in her
Family. She lives in her own reality around the
Family Disease. Nothing i could say would change
Her or her mind.
Recovery is working thru your feelings and emotions
In a healthy way and with healthy people. Keep up
with your alanon. This is all a process that takes time
To move thru. Growing and changing is hard and
Painful so is Facing your truths.
