The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anyone had the experience of attending meetings, either long or short term, where it is obvious the meeting is run by and mostly for long-time members and/or the very people who began a particular meeting? Where a Group Conscience has become a farce where only a few are allowed any significant input, or even any input at all (again, usually "founders" or long-time members of a particular Al-anon group)?
I have found that if you raise a question hinting in the least of dissent or even mild disagreement, you are looked upon as a destroyer, an interloper, a trouble-maker. I thought Al-anon Meetings were supposed to belong to everyone . . . even the newest of the newcomers. Sadly, I am finding more often than not, this just is not the situation. I even attended one meeting, where a long-time attendee boasted of telling a relative new-comer to their meeting, "if you don't like the way we choose to do things at this meeting, leave!"
Not exactly what Al-anon is supposed to be about is it. I'm about to bow out of Al-anon. All too often, it talks the talk, but is not walking the walk.
Welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad you're here.
I've been in/around these types of situations. All walks of life and all organizations have politics and it's healthier in some meetings/groups than others.
I use the slogans of 'Stick with the Winners', 'Principals above Personalities' and 'Some are Sicker than Others'...
We have another slogan in my neck of the woods, "I'll show you ... I'll hurt me!!" In my experience, the only person who suffers if you give up the entire program over a few members, is you.
Take what you like and leave the rest - that's my final tool for these situations. You certainly do have choices - that's what awesome about this program - you can leave, you can go to another group, you can stop going, you can attend online - I believe for me that recovery is not optional, but my choice of tools is.
Again, so glad you are here - keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have found that all the meetings that I attend hold regular business meetings and all are invited to attend Anyone can make a motion and then it is held up to discussion. If for example, a new person does not feel comfortable with the format and offers a suggestion to change, the group discusses the issue, points out the benefits of the current format and then a vote is taken . I have never heard that a meeting refused to hold a business meeting on a topic.
Usually after the vote, we keep the original format -- It is not so much that the group is" run" by the founders but that the newer member is trying to change something that others find workable .
I have heard it said that alanon members "vote with their feet "-- If they do not like a meeting, they find one that they do like. Maybe that is what the member was suggesting to the new member at your meeting. I do believe that is why it is suggested that we try 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for you .--The meetings all have a different feel.
Thank you . . . all of you who responded with help and kindness and wise advise.
Knowing that Al-anon meetings are comprised of human beings, and as human beings all of us are fallible, it stands to reason that some groups will be healthier than others.
Betty, you are blessed indeed if you have found a meeting that holds regular business meetings and/or Group Consciences. My home group of 18 months has not held either one business meeting, given one financial report status, or held or even mentioned the option of holding a Group Conscience. This group also allows cross talk and advice-giving during meetings, often directed at someone who just has taken the risk to share. This is a group from which anyone striving toward health, should run, not walk, away from; and I have. It's just sad when newcomers to Al-anon attend this particular meeting and think that it is representative of Al-anon.
I only can fix me . . . that's what I have learned so far in the 18 months I regularly have been attending Al-anon meetings . . . part of fixing me is paying attention to that voice inside me . . . that gut feeling . . . that tells me something is not right. The only time that I have gotten myself into difficulty . . . and into honest to goodness trouble . . . is when I ignored that voice of truth inside me.
The words and suggestions that I just have "heard" spoken here ring true.
I know giving up on Al-anon is not the way to go . . . being wise in whom and where I place my trust is. My higher power . . . God . . . whispers in my heart and leads me on the right path. I do attend a few other meetings, again, some healthier than others, but each where most of the attendees are striving to comply with Al-anon guidelines to make meetings, places where we can come to share experience, strength, and hope.
KAK Love how you process all this information I mus say 25 yeas ago in NYC, I did find meetings that you have encountered Old time alanoners who did not follow the traditions and "Ran the Meetings". I too was ready to leave at one point when a wise member pointed out to me if I go nothing will change. If I stay and suggest traditions and regular business meetings with participation it will change. It was not just me but, thanks to newer members insisting on the Traditions and regular business meeting the groups have changed.
The traditions are there as guidelines and each group is responsible to honor them.
Isn't it great when your HP and gut tell you 'something' and then you talk about it with honesty and the processing brings about the next right thing?
I wanted to share that MIP has meetings twice daily. The meetings are outstanding, but there is currently some hit/miss going on as there is a shortage of meeting chairs.
The meeting schedule is up at the top, to the left and the link to the chat room + the meeting is there too.
My personal experience is that in larger groups, the business and group conscious meetings can bring out the worst in members. It happens but often doesn't reflect the general population, just a select few...
So glad you're sticking around - we're a helpful bunch and consider all family - so welcome to the family!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I also would not want to give up on this f2f meeting just yet. Sounds like they do need to change and maybe your suggestions on how they could change could make the difference they need. For me sometimes to get my thoughts together I would have to write a letter to those few you feel that are running the 'show'. To me it helps to get your thoughts organized and gives them something written down that they can read and re-read to think about.
Then after you gave them the letter ask to meet with them and discuss what you had written and talk about it all. After all that group is your group too. It is everyone's group and they need to somehow be aware that everyone has an opinion and suggestions on how the meetings should be conducted for the betterment of the group.
New members will not be interested in coming back to meetings that seem to be conducted in what you are describing and they need to somehow become aware of that. The meetings should be our place to go for refuge and strength not strife.
My experience with meetings like this are usually the ones in the remote areas where there is not a lot of new blood so to speak. My sponsor and I actually started a new meeting because we wanted to try an experiment .. both of us were outsiders in the small town. Guess what .. it started some life into the other meetings even though there are 4 - 5 of us that were attending regularly we did follow alanon guidelines and stayed later to visit and had an after meeting to fill in the gaps of things we wanted to share that were not alanon related. It was such a blessing. I see the huge difference being in a larger town and seeing how a black belt alanon meeting should be .. LOL. It has been a changing experience. There are other ways to motivate change.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My home group changed after enough nembers
Dropped out and the controllers stopped coming
For whatever reason.
I too live in a small town and we did have business
Mtgs but the controllers ran those too. It felt like
Fighting city hall. I do attend business meetings
As the librarian.
Now we have evolved and have changed the format
And speak times. That was my big issue people
allowed to ramble on. We had 1 1/2 hour mtg So
it was allowed now we are down to one hour and
Trying to restrict floor time.
We also had the cross talk police Thing going on too.
There is a nice way to deal with That issue especially
with newcomers when there are No newcomer mtgs
To learn the ropes in the area.
I know i was too timid to speak or Mis speak for a long
time. That is not right but what It was. Its like a big
Sigh of relief for me to have a more relaxed and loving
Home group. I love to see newcomers open up without
Fear. We tell them the rules in a nice way.
Has anyone had the experience of attending meetings, either long or short term, where it is obvious the meeting is run by and mostly for long-time members and/or the very people who began a particular meeting? Where a Group Conscience has become a farce where only a few are allowed any significant input, or even any input at all (again, usually "founders" or long-time members of a particular Al-anon group)?
I have found that if you raise a question hinting in the least of dissent or even mild disagreement, you are looked upon as a destroyer, an interloper, a trouble-maker. I thought Al-anon Meetings were supposed to belong to everyone . . . even the newest of the newcomers. Sadly, I am finding more often than not, this just is not the situation. I even attended one meeting, where a long-time attendee boasted of telling a relative new-comer to their meeting, "if you don't like the way we choose to do things at this meeting, leave!"
Not exactly what Al-anon is supposed to be about is it. I'm about to bow out of Al-anon. All too often, it talks the talk, but is not walking the walk.
Hello, I have had those experiences many, many times. I have been told in some meetings, you don't get to be called on in a meeting because that's how they do it, they literally put out the topic, one person has to stand up and talk, then that person selects whom they want to talk next and you don't get called on or get to participate unless they like you, you have been to at least 1 year of their meetings etc. I quit that meeting. Something very similar in nature happened to me as it did to you that a new guy walked in on a meeting and mind you it was my second meeting and he wanted to talk, he wasn't even being acknowledged, he raised his hand and was told if you don't know how we do things you are at the wrong meeting, we don't raise hands. I never went back to that meeting. I haven't truly found a really great meeting for f2f, newcomers aren't really welcomed with open arms, most folks I find attending have been in the group 10 plus years.....I do try to go even if it's just to listen. I do some online meetings through here and have been fortunate enough to find a CODA meeting that I can go to and talk occassionaly, do some service, have my voice heard somewhat. I guess what some will say is just keep going, but if you are like me meetings are pretty limited and with the oldtimers having them all buttoned up, it's just painful and awkward. Good luck to you!
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
