The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that my AH has to deal with his court issues on his own since they are not my problems, but I can't help but worry because they outcome may very well be my problem.
He is facing public intoxication charges in addition to three counts of child endangerment, which will definitely have fines we cannot avoid to pay...and he may also be facing jail time if his defender cannot get him out of it.
This will be my problem as we currently live in a trailer and have to move every few weeks due to campground rules. I will not be able to manage the relocation process in addition to working full time, raising three kids, two large dogs.... I know I would be allowed to stay with my sister since she is supportive and has an extra room, but then I would have to find a place to store our belongings and board our dogs for free...she cant have dogs and has no room for a trailer.
I am sure everyone can relate to this - although AH is uselss most of the time, doesn't have regular income, I can't afford for him to be in jail!
So, this is when I cannot just live and let live or accept that this are his problems....his problems may become mine on Tuesday.
Thank you for allowing me to vent.
EarlyBird you can make plea on the court if they allow for it or take the matter into family court as you can to get indemnification...having him face responsibility for his actions which is part of the "let live" idea. Most often the court has compassion on the members of the family who are victims of the disease. That is from my experience. Stay strong...in support ((((hugs))))
My question is can you afford for him to be out of jail with this kind of havoc going on? I can so relate to when their consequences become my issue or involved the kids. If you can catch your breath for a moment and take some time to figure out what your options are before bailing him out. Hugs you are not alone.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
All I have for you is (((Hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers!
I see a few great ideas/suggestions above me, my hope is it turns out as it needs to for everyone!
If there is no pre-planning that you can do today, don't worry about Tuesday yet.....Try to stay in the now, with exception to making Plan B and/or Plan C.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So, he made his court appearance this morning....all charges were dismissed....as if nothing ever happened.
I dont know how I feel. I feel relieved that this one fiasco Is behind us....but on the other hand, I'm fuming inside....he got off scott free with no consequenses for his actions. Where is the accountability in that? They said there wasn't enough evidence - he plead guilty! What evidence do you need.
Don't get me wrong, I didnt want him thrown in jail. But what ever happend to community service....
I am off my soapbox now, but I wanted to update my thread. Thank you all for your responses. It feels good to know I have somewhere to turn when I need to talk about this.
Very happy that he is not in jail EB, that was your greatest worry!! Detaching from the rest of the chaos would give you and your sanity a bit of a rest. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I understand your soap box 'share' completely! However, I believe HP heard your post here and took care of things as you needed. No charges mean 2nd chance, not got away (IMO).
Keep working your program - perhaps this will be enough for him to 'see' a problem and 'begin' a different journey. We never know what it will take or what will nudge someone towards a different path. Focus on you and keep moving forward, one step at a time, one day at a time.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Everyone's situation and experience are different, so take this for what it's worth. I was thrust into a similar situation last October when my AW was arrested for DUI with kids in the car, including our daughter. After bailing her out a couple days later, she checked herself into detox and then transferred to an inpatient treatment center for a couple of months. Overnight I became, for all intents and purposes, a single father She was charged with a Felony and jail was not a matter of if, rather, where, when and for how long. The financial implications of all this were devastating ... legal fees, fines, medical costs ... and they will continue to impact individual and family family decisions for years. When she was out of treatment and awaiting sentencing, I stewed for hours a day about it ... worrying about how long it would be for, etc. I thought the same thing ... 'this family can't afford to have her in jail for months or longer'. She was sentenced and ended up sentenced to 8 months of work release ... in our area ... that means she could be in only one of 2 places ... at the jail or at work. I was worried sick when they took her away.
But some interesting things happened during that time. Her removal from our home, in conjunction with the work I was doing in AlAnon, gave me an opportunity to reorder my life, our home, and develop structure for our daughter where she knew only chaos for years before. I had the time to really start working my program, rebuilding my relationship with my daughter, and experience serenity. At the same time, my wife was having to face the natural and very unpleasant consequences of her actions, every minute of every day. She dove into working her program (as best she could from jail). It gave her time apart from the chaos and common triggers of the home her disease thrived in. It extended her period of sobriety that she had started the day she checked herself into treatment, helping to strengthen the foundation of her recovery. No one can guarantee against a relapse ... but I do believe that the experience she went through, from being arrested, to going to treatment, to going to jail, ultimately saved her life ... perhaps the lives of others (including our daughter), and set our entire family on the path to recovery. In hindsight, no one in our family could afford for all of that NOT to happen. But I know how hard it was to recognize at the time.
I don't know what the future holds, and life is still filled with things we need to work through in the wake of the toll the disease took on all of us. But we have a fertile environment in which to that work now. Each new day brings a new opportunity for all of us. Living One Day at A Time has helped us to focus only on what we can control today, and to deal with what comes tomorrow, tomorrow. For all that we lost to the disease, we are gaining so much from the recoveries we are now both pursuing. Even in our most painful moments, I am now able to look back and see that my higher power was at work, especially then ... and I can now find much to be grateful for. I have AlAnon to thank for being able to recognize that.
Hang in there ... take it a day at a time ... an hour at a time ... or a minute at a time. Keep comin' back!
