The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What a terrible disease this is. It's so cunning, baffeling and powerful for us Alanon's too. I went for a period of time thinking I had a normal relationship with my husband. What a fool I was. I'm back to square one. I now have to remind myself I'm dealing with a very sick person that is not getting any help. This has been going on for over 25 years but my awareness came 12 years ago. How long can I go on????? I don't know. I want to be at peace right now. I can't believe how I forgot how sick this person is and myself also. I hate this feeling of taking on all his s***!. I'm learning it's his stuff and not my stuff! I take on too much of his stuff and then I get angry, depressed, frustrated and even yelled at my poor dog a couple of times which I've never done.
I really have to remember it's one day at a time and to be very patient and gentle with myself. I've been there before but I allowed myself to get sooooooooooooo sucked backed in. ARghhh, want to scream and yell. Why do I have to get continued help!!! I know why, but just frustrated right now.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 13th of August 2015 10:42:58 PM
((Lynn)) We need to get continued help because by living with the disease we too become infected and require a program of recovery. It is a one day at a time program for us as well and if we neglect our tools and our spiritual practices, we find we a re right back in the disease.
Lynn, I can relate. I just recently got involved in AlAnon. Oh I knew it was out there before but I felt I just didn't have time to work on myself. And why? I don't have a drinking problem. But Betty is right. We become infected after living with it every day. In my case it took me 18 years to figure out I needed to do something about it. Some days I feel so strong like hey I can do this! Other days the weakness starts creeping in so I come here for strength and wisdom. It's really all I have. I do see a therapist and she's great. But even the $15 co-pay is more than I can afford. Hang in there and hugs to you!
Hi Lynn. I'm a newbie and certainly defer to those who have had more experience with Al-Anon. I can, however, relate to your frustration. For two years I've been on and off (right now off) with my long-term sober A. Before him, I thought that I was a pretty balanced person. The relationship has brought a great deal of love and companionship into my life - along with turmoil that I've never experienced. At times it ticks me off to think that I should have to seek help for myself. Yet today's reading in ODAAT talks about working the programs together not only to strengthen the partners individually, but to draw them together. In my case I'm not sure if the drawing together will ever come to fruition and that's OK. I realize that this love has done some damage - or maybe it was just a way for me to grow. My A always says, he never thought that he'd need to become a bust out drunk to find purpose in life. Maybe I never realized that I'd needed to love an A to become the whole person that my HP wants me to be.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you are here and glad you posted.
I too can relate to your post. There was a time when I thought my 'freedom' would come in the form of leaving the A and the insanity would stay with him.....well - I was working on that plan, and my lovely sponsor suggested that the insanity might follow me because of how this disease affects us.
She was right - I would work hard with this program and feel like I was 'good' and then a resentment would pop up and I'd yell at my dog or someone who just happened to be there. I can tell story after story of what happens to me when I don't work this program, but I'd rather share that when I stay program-centered, God (HP)-centered and self-centered, I am at peace most of the time. I have true joy, I catch myself smiling at the silly faces my dog makes, I even find joy in other people's children....which was so hard for me as I kept comparing how my kids act (they are both As also) vs. what others show me about their kids.
So - for me, letting go and letting God + staying as close as I can to this program has saved me, my life, my peace and my serenity. It's worth it for me to find the time and energy to learn how to love me each day so I can be of service to those around me.
(((Hugs))) to you - keep coming back!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I love your posts I Am Here. I've been feeling like I should never return (if the opportunity arose) to my A. You helped me see that it's ok to let it wait it out and not make any hypothetical decisions. Thank you again.
Still in a confused funk. Most of the time I feel like I'm in fight or flight mode even though there's no more physical abuse going on. But the controlling and the other types of abuse make me feel anxious most of the time. The confusing thing is this person can be so nice at times. I almost talked myself out of an Alanon meeting today but I know better. I need to go to this meeting today and I will for me. I have to get my strength back. I got somewhere in all of this. I feel so down and desperate. Thanks for just letting me vent this morning.
Lucymae, I experience the same things with my AH, there is no physical abuse, but the verbal can be awful. Like what you are experiencing AH could be so nice at times as well. Al-Anon tools have helped me so much! Especially detaching with love and empathy. I now sense when the verbal attacks are to start and remove myself from his presence and if I am present, I do not take it personally, because it is the disease that is speaking.
QTIP = Quit Taking It Personally!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I totally know how you feel. My AH has been in AA since 2000. We were married in 1971. I have been in AlAnon since 2000. We should have lots of recovery in our house. Our relationship should be closer than ever. Unfortunately it is not. I have even stopped looking at it. We get along just fine as long as I know when to detach and walk away before I get hurt. I don't even know "if" this time the emotional abuse might happen, but it has been often enough that I don't give it a chance any more. I take care of myself. Most of the time he is very nice, and to the outside world he is. But when he has stress he decides that the ones closest to him have to know about it in the worst way. I was the doormat until AlAnon showed me there was a different way to handle it. Keep going to meetings and keep on taking care of yourself.
