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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> So confused and sad.
Post Info TOPIC: So confused and sad.
lucymae


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So confused and sad.
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I've been in Alanon for about 12 years now. I thought I had this whole thing figured out. I feel so lost, confused and empty. My husband doesn't drink anymore and quit due to a heart condition. He is still undiagnosed. I allowed myself to get sucked in feeling sorry and worried for him. I was oh such a good caretaker and then the resentments started popping up all the past physical abuse streaming through my mind. I got very angry. 

As I type this he is laying on the couch with heart palpitations. One of his symptoms. Instead of giving in, I'm reaching out for help for me. Everything is always my fault. He is still emotionally and verbally abusive. Says things like your psychotic, you don't know what your talking about etc... You know the drill. I have been taking it on inward and making myself sick. 

Talked to my sponsor and  another wise old Alanon women. I'm realizing I got sucked in. This person is a very sick person and has no tools for life. I actually feel sorry for him. It makes me sad.

I'm planning to go to at least 3 meetings a week. Pulling out my dusty old Alanon literature and actually reading it. I deserve this for me. I want to be happy and free. I feel like I just want to cry. I don't no what to do, so I'm posting here, putting one foot in front of the other. 

 



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Lynn Miller
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Hi Lynn I hear you and understand This program is a one day at at time reprieve from the insanity of the disease. I have been in program a number of years and I still read my C2C each day recite the 3rd Step prayer each morning and often call on the serenity prayer to get me through the tough days.
I am glad you are going to place the focus on yourself.   Remember to list your assets and gratitude daily and live one day at a time detached from the insanity .You will be doing fine shortly.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1661
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Lucymae, thanks for sharing with us and so sorry that you feel bad.

Once you get back into the readings and meetings, you will start to

feel more sane and peaceful.  I know how you feel, been where you

are for close to 13 years and then I found Al-Anon.  If you remember

how to detach with love and empathy and also keep telling yourself

that it is the disease talking and the disease never makes any sense.

Hope you have sunny days soon.



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
lucymae


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Posts: 24
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Thanks to you my fellow Alanon sisters. I can't believe I actually did my hair today. Have had no energy today and still feeling down. I went to bed for awhile got up had dinner and now going back to bed to watch Despicable Me, one of my favorite movies with the minions. It brings the kid out in me. Then going to bed for the night. Not talking much to my husband. Just keeping a low profile. Don't have the energy or care to be assertive. I plan to use my Alanon sayings and keeping things short and simple. So glad I have a place to post.

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Lynn Miller
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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lucymae -

My AH has heart issues too. He's still drinking, just less. He has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents and had triple by-pass surgery last year. I've had no choice but to turn him over. He's grumpy and I am 'crazy'....he used to say that all the time....it's gotten much better since I've become very active in this program. The more I mind my own business and give him to my HP, the more peace there is in this house. He's not changing at all, and he's not even sure if he's wanting to live too much longer - talked about suicide two days ago. I just sat and listened as I seriously believe it's about his unhappiness and anger at himself for how destructive he's been towards his own body.

This disease is progressive. Removing the alcohol just makes for a grumpy alcoholic. Without recovery, nothing changes if nothing changes! But, I stay as he would be alone as there is nobody who will take care of him. I have made my peace and for right now, it's what I am to do. Can't say what tomorrow will bring but for today, I am where I am supposed to be.

You are worth it!!! We are all worth it. I believe that those of us who have loved and lived with this disease deserve the gold stars. We've seen, felt, heard, experienced the unimaginable and not only survived it, but most are thriving because of it or in spite of it. We are strong, we are capable and we are worthy! I believe this and say it almost each morning - Thank you for the glorious day, help me do your will as I am a worthy person capable of more!

Get active and you'll be just fine. If I didn't go through what I've gone through, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am.

(((Hugs))) to you - keep coming back - it works if you work it and you are worth it!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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