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Background: 3 children, ages 12/9/2. 9 year old battles bipolar. I am the sole breadwinner. AH has been working the program since May after an arrest for public intoxication while caring for tthe kids.
He used to be loving and fun in addition to calm and stern with the kids, even our 9 year old who can get violent and out of control (he is in treatment and under a doctor's care). Then he joined thr program and stopped drinking every day.....
Now, I can't tust him with the kids because he is overhearing, rude, and can snap at anything. For example, he slapped my 9 yr old because I had to get stern and demand he put on his pjs for the second time that night. I step in and separate him from the kids in order to protect them.
I understand he is "sick" and needs "time to heal" while I struggle to manage every other aspect or our lives...but I cant help but think the alcohol is what made him the parent he used to be and I fear that we are stuck with the complete jerk we put up with now.
It crosses my mind more than I would like to admit - am I damaging my children by keeping them in the same house with the man my AH has become. Sigh
Early recovery is extremely difficult for the entire family. Recovery in both Al-Anon and AA is a process and takes time and effort in order to see positive results. It takes time in recovery before any real emotional or spiritual changes can be realized.
Alcohol may have enabled your partner to be calm enough to not react at the time Alcoholism is a progressive disease and that effect does not last long I know I have lived with the negative results
Stopping drinking, attending meetings getting a sponsor, working the steps all help to let go of the destructive attitudes caused by alcohol.
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I do hope you are continuing to attend Al-Anon meetings, working with the sponsor and am sending positive energy to you and your family.
If he uses physical violence on the kids (or on anyone), it may be time to put some distance between you and him until the time he gets things more under control, assuming that happens.
As Hotrod said, alcoholism is progressive - even he was good with the kids up to this point, it would have gotten intolerable in time. The fact that he was drunk in public while caring for them, to the point of being arrested, shows how bad it was getting. And my experience is that what we don't see is even worse than what we do see. This is even apart from the fact that being drunk around the kids teaches the kids that the way you cope with life is by drinking. They are little sponges and soak up the examples their parents give them.
I don't mean to second-guess your family situation or your son's diagnosis, but I know that having a chronically intoxicated parent (with all that involves, including leaving the children feeling unsafe, and the weird and disturbing responses a person gives while drunk) can make children confused, angry, and devastated. Add this to a child who has underlying problems anyway and you have a powder keg. What I'm saying is that your son's reactions may be partly from the bi-polar issue, but also partly his response to his drunk caregiver. That is to say, the effects of your A's parenting may already be not all good.
That he is now slapping your child is not a good sign. He may be dry but that's not very sober behavior. I hope he can see how harmful that is and take action for his recovery so that it won't happen again. And also to make amends to your child.
You have a big challenge before you. I hope you can get all the support available - Al-Anon for you and his program for him and family counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, or whoever else is available. Take good care of yourself.
So very sorry for the current situation you are facing. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and progressive as discussed above. It affects the person physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and affects the family as well. Recovery for all is difficult but possible and worth it.
What this program teaches us is to 'do the next right thing'. If you have concerns about the safety of your children, please take action as possible in your area. This program tells us to focus on ourselves, our actions, reactions and motives. We are to attend meetings to learn new ways and also for support. Many in both program seek help beyond the 12 step program(s), and perhaps this would be beneficial for your family/husband.
I wish you all the best and am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! Early recovery is difficult for everyone including the children. They are typically the first to realize there is a different vibe in the home and react accordingly to it.
(((Hugs))) to all - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
