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Ha. I feel as if I could write a million posts with a million different questions but right now I need to vent and figure out how to best handle the immediate situation.
AH has to attend a court-mandated class this weekend as a result of his DUI. It is a weekend-long course and it's 2.5 hours away from where we live. It starts mid-afternoon on Friday. I can't drive him up there (and he can't drive himself because of his license suspension) because I barely have any vacation time left at work. His mom offered to come stay with us Thursday night and drive him there Friday. This is nice of her, but also tough because we don't have the best relationship...
Anyway, the class runs through Sunday and I was starting to look forward to a quiet weekend to myself. I could order a pizza, watch some chick flicks, sleep in...etc.
For some reason it didn't occur to me to think about how he'd get home from the course. Duh! It came up tonight when discussing it and he told me I'd need to leave our place by 9 a.m. Sunday to get there and pick him up in time. Aw crap! I'm going to spend 5+ hours in the car on Sunday! I am not someone who enjoys driving at all. Ugh. But, there are no buses that run from where we are to the location, or even anywhere in between, really. As much as I want him to have to deal with his own consequences, I can't exactly ask him to hitchhike home.
It also came up tonight - surprise! - that the course itself costs $500 plus he had to spend $200 for lodging. I somehow had it in my head that since it was court mandated it would be paid for. Shoot.
I just took some time to myself to shower and run through which Al Anon tools could help me here. On Sunday I can possibly employ "Just for today...I can do anything for 12 hours..." (Or, you know, 5 in my case.) Maybe "Life on life's terms"? This is how it is and I need to suck it up. The Serenity Prayer? Yes, I'm going to need that. I have to accept the things I can't change, and the fact is he HAS to go to this course to get his license back, and things will be slightly easier on me when we can both drive again.
I will still have Saturday to do my own thing, even if that means I just decide to sleep for 24 hours straight.
But all of this doesn't take away the resentment I still feel over being inconvenienced by the disease. I'm going to have to try incredibly hard not to act like a martyr when I pick him up and I'm not sure I'll succeed. Because I do feel like one. I feel like I shouldn't have to do this is, but I'm going to do it anyway because it's the "next right thing."
That is indeed aggravating! I think I still have a lot more residual anger and grudge than you do (though I see that you're irritated, as well you might be). I think I would tell my A, "Do look hard at how you're going to get back down, because I'm not going to pick you up." How would he do it if he weren't in a relationship? Would he be stuck up there forever? Anyway, I know that I did spend some time going out of my way to help and support my A, and when I stopped, and his complaining and manipulation stopped because he saw how hard-nosed I am, he found a way to get those things done more easily than I would have believed. Of course, the griping and self-pity were considerable.
But this is not to say that you should be bitter and resentful like me. Although I did feel much freer as soon as I just gave in to bitterness and resentment!
Wow RS a $700 mistake he made sheesh! And like Mattie said, how would he do this if it weren't for you? Would his mother do both ways? I believe everyone deserves a second chance so hopefully after all this there are no more DUIs!! We are all inconvenienced by the disease. It sucks. I play the martyr act very well. Good luck and enjoy your Saturday!
Oh.....I would be inclined to suggest that he needs to spend the first 2 days looking for a ride from another attendee.....Surely he can't be the only person there that's from your area? Just a thought. I too have done my fair share PLUS of enabling my 2 boys and finally got smarter about some of this. If they have no other means, I charge them gas money. If they have no other means, I arrive & pick them up on my time schedule, not theirs. I've come to plan my day first and if I am needed for 'service', I do what I can when I can.
Just because it ends @ noon doesn't mean you have to be there @ noon. He can read a book, walk to an AA meeting, etc. When I became less available, they became far more creative with their means/needs/wants.
I am so sorry that you're weekend appears to be changing....and not for the better. My best suggestion for car rides is program speakers! Listening to tapes while driving does make the time pass and it helps me have more program 'in place' before I am faced with the 'problem child'....
I would certainly do all that I can/could to save your own peace. Trust your HP and you'll get through this!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mattie- Hmmm it troubles me that my immediate reaction to thinking of suggesting he find his own way home, a way that doesn't involve me at all, is...fear? Fear of what, I don't even know! That he'll be angry? That he'll leave me? That he just won't find a way home at all? Wow I didn't know that I'd react that way...I need to think about that and figure it out.
Yankeerose - Well, yes, $700 on top of the $1500 for the attorney and the fine he had to pay for the DUI, ugh. His mother can't do both ways as she's busy Sunday. And I am VERY hopeful there will never ever ever be another DUI after this.
Iamhere - I hadn't thought of someone else in the course giving him a ride, it's a thought and I'll definitely ask him to ask, though it's unlikely. DUI was in another state which is why he's attending there, so it'd be a big coincidence (or my HP looking out for me) if anyone else from our area was there. I do like what you're saying about doing things on my schedule though. I think I can at least do that. I'm big into podcasts lately so will download some - great idea!!!
I didn't realize he had to go to another state to do his 'penance'.....LOL....
I suppose the lawyer has already tried to allow him to go to a class closer to home? I am one who believes the legal system is set up as a profit center! Perhaps the intent is to deter future crime by having it be so costly, however it really stinks that it affects wider than the defendant and that it's a hardship for the family of the criminal.
We've certainly paid our fair share of fines, fees, lawyers, etc. I am grateful that my boundaries are now in place - I no longer loan money for these types of expenses nor will I pay them. My As last criminal encounters were supported by public defenders. Not my circus and not my monkeys!
Still sending positive thoughts your way for a positive outcome!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had to laugh at your name RealitySucker and the title of your post.
Ohhh I'm sure most of us can relate to your situation although I didn't have to go to other states to deal with my X's issues. It was so bad though that the bailiffs and the judges knew me well especially in dealing with the divorce. It really became a bad joke although I'm looking at cashing in on that bad joke as we speak.
Now I tend to agree let him figure it out and with the money too. Something that was weird about me was that as codie as I was to fix, manage and control his drinking there were certain things I did not do .. when he busted the tire I didn't go with him to fix it. Stuff like that I could stay out of what was harder was when it affected the kids and I directly.
The podcasts are great!! Mary Pearl is a fantastic speaker, old black belt alanon doesn't pull punches. Father Tom is fantastic as well and he's a double winner in the recovery world. Those are the two that pop out at me where it is no nonsense.
What I have learned to do is figure out what I can do and not feel resentful .. if I feel resentful about it .. I don't do it .. no my monkey's not my circus. I will be the first to say I am hardwired differently now than I was at the beginning of this journey. Am I doing for someone else what they need to do for themselves? Am I removing an opportunity for growth? Am I going to feel resentful about the situation currently or later? What am I looking to gain out of it? If I am rigorously honest with myself and I can say I'm doing it because it is the right thing to do and I feel good about that in terms I'm aligned with myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually I will .. as far as what that is .. that's something that is between me and my HP. Not everyone will agree with what I choose to do .. that's not their decision or judgment to make it is my decision and I am responsible for my choices. So no playing the poor me I was victimized yet again in my best Scarlett O'Hara voice. Woe is me .. lol.
Personally I do vote for the let him figure it out .. my X's DUI cost him we are working on 40K+ at the moment if you add up the collateral damage he has had to deal with since that DUI. If he really wants to do his a$$ on fire prayers let him figure it out.
I try and stay out of his stuff, not my business especially now.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Mandy - I believe the deal was he could do it closer to home, but rather than being a one-shot weekend deal, it would be 7 weeks for 6 hours every Saturday. With the weekly one, if he was late once or had to miss any, he'd have to start over, so I guess he decided he had a better chance of completing it with the weekend course.
BUT this morning when I woke up he was rechecking bus tickets and found a trip that will take him 15 mins away from our home and I can pick him up there. Not sure what made him decide to do that, but works for me!
Serenity - I do need to work harder at examining my motives and what it will mean for me and for him. Sometimes it seems so cloudy! I am hoping as I go through the program it will become more clear. I'm very good at doing the "woe is me" bit. Another thing to work on!
Oh my goodness I am an expert at the Woe is Me bit!! Haha we are certainly not alone. I will cry to anyone who will listen how I was wronged all these years and how I had to live in turmoil. I guess the scary part is that I'm the only one who has the ability to get myself out of this situation.
I absolutely want to be clear about one thing .. There have been situations in my life that I was victimized .. I am more than that situation so I chose not to continue to have a victim mentality. It would really be easy to say oh this is the way things will always be .. That was the gift I got from alanon .. Choices. Hugs it really gets better when I remember I have choices. Keep coming back!!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Well....that sounds so much better - 15 minute drive is a gift compared to where this thread started!!!
I had another thought - in my marriage, we have 'our bills', 'my bills' and 'his bills'. For the record, my bills are those where I get a ticket or my business expenses. Our bills are grocery, food, etc. His bills are his incurred expenses. When our marital funds are depleted because of his bills, I don't pay them from our money. I let him know and he can either sell something, work more or suffer the consequences.
Just saying - I don't consider legal issues resulting from Alcohol as a 'marital bill'. Just my way to looking at things as I thought more about this...
Positive thoughts to you and hope for a peaceful weekend!!! (((Hugs too)))!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Although I did feel much freer as soon as I just gave in to bitterness and resentment!