The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every, and I mean every, fight we have, it ends up being my fault. The fact he showed up at my company picnic and created a scene was fault. He is sad because it's my fault. I won't have sex with him and that's my fault. I'm creating attitudes in our children against him and that is my fault. Is it? Is there a chance I am blowing things out of proportion? Could I be the one creating the drama and not the AH? I hate feeling like this soooooooo much.
I left once and came back only to have things held over my head. Now I kicked him out and it will be held over my head. Do I deserve it?
He grabbed my shirt last night and wouldn't let go until I told him twice to do so. He punched the wall and bloodied his knuckles, but that's my fault because I made him mad.
I'm in a bad place right now. I can't stop crying and I can't make sense of right and wrong.
I don't know if you can attend face to face meetings however I really encourage you to do so. I learned that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. It being the disease of alcoholism. The only thing I am responsible for is my reactions to the situations that present themselves. I am only responsible for my part, there are times it is more than 50% and there are times it is 0% it is up to me to figure out what my part is and work on my part.
Sponsor, meetings, reading the lit help me realize how powerless I am regarding someone else's dysfunction.
Glad you are here, keep coming back.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hugs running wife. I really do relate.
Of course those things are not your fault, but as long as you are only listening to him, that is all that you are going to hear!
He needs to make them your fault because he can't deal with the reality of who he is and what he does, and you are at least willing to entertain the idea that it's your fault so why wouldn't he blame you?
The good news is you can surround yourself with people who don't blame and shame you, and the more time you spend with them, the less his blame and shame will stick to you. Going to al-anon meetings and spending time with al-anon folk can help you develop a nice teflon coating where blame and shame just slide right off.
You don't deserve it, you deserve much better, you just have to choose to grab hold of it.
Is it possible you can get to a meeting?
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I could have written your email, except mine wouldn't let himself be kicked out, so I am moving out as we speak. I completely understand the craziness when someone is blaming you for the chaos they create with their choices. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Beginning the Alanon journey will help support you in understanding your part in it, as well as to recognize how so much of it is part of the disease of alcoholism, and is "not your circus, not your monkeys".
Hang in there and please consider Alanon as a very valuable and life changing resource.
I hate that bad place where I can't stop crying! I've been there many times. Helped me alot to think of the FACT that he was not crying or agonizing he was only thinking where his next drink would come from. For me it gets better when I cry it out a bit than try really hard to do a little something positive then repeat, so on and so on until the little positive becomes my whole day.
I'm not sure what's your fault and what's not, alcoholics never look at their part so just by the law of averages probably not your fault, doesn't matter you can start again right this second.
A lot of stuff is my fault, mostly my reactions. When I do NOT react, It feels so powerful AFTER the drama to look back and realize I didn't react.
I get all freaky with guilt when I do react... saves a lot of pain to do nothing when I don't know what to do...wish I would always remember that.
Welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and glad you had the courage to post!
I remember those tears and that hopelessness that came along with them. Please know you are not alone and we are all just a post away.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive disease. It affects every aspect of the user - mental, spiritual, physical and emotional. It also affects those who love an alcoholic or live with one. It is a family disease. As the disease pursues the target, all those around are pulled into the mix and everyone is affected with some level of illness.
The best known recovery is through the 12 Steps - Al-Anon for the family/friends and AA for the substance abuser. The good news, you can have peace and serenity in spite of what he's doing - explore this solution and see what you find.
Again, so glad you found us and hope you attach yourself to this program. The suggestion above me of a meeting is the place to start! If you can't find local meetings soon enough, you can check to the top left and you'll see the meeting schedule and the link to the chat/meeting room.
(((Hugs))) to you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What you are talking about is the disease
Of alcoholism. We get as sick as they are
But in a different way. Most of us come
from alcoholism or the dysfunction from
it then We marry it. You are not alone.
Go to ftf mtgs they will save your sanity
And you will learn new tools to live by. Its
A program for us to learn how to love and
Nuture ourselves. No matter what the A is
Doing.
Self love and self care are at the heart of
the program also Good and healthy boundaries.
There is much to learn for us to change and
Grow.
I got plenty of the blame shame game from
My xah. He could not deal with his stuff so
I got the brunt of it and he was dry.
Hey runningwife, I'm another running wife (hi oceanpine! :) )
You will learn, if you stick around long enough and if you do some reading, that blaming everyone but themselves is classic alcoholic behavior. Alcoholics tend not to acknowledge that anything they perceive as "going wrong" in their lives could possibly be any fault of theirs and it makes them feel better to be able to blame someone else. You are, presumably, the closest person to your AH and therefore the easiest to blame.
One thing is for certain - you didn't cause his alcoholism, and you can't cure or control it. Many of the behaviors he exhibits are part of the disease and again...you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.
Am I saying that you are completely blameless in every fight or argument you've ever had with him? No, absolutely not, there are two sides to every story and none of us are perfect. But you aren't to blame for how he chooses to react during fights. You can only control how you choose to react - or preferably, respond (a good Al Anon tool to learn!) Right now, with all the chaos, I am sure it's hard to look at things rationally and, what's the old saying? If you hear something about yourself often enough you start to believe it! You've heard repeatedly that you're to blame and now you are starting to believe it.
As hard as a it is to do, try to take a step back - detach! - take a deep breath and examine your own behavior rather than focusing on his. You will be able to understand, in time, how the way you act and what you say affects the drama and then figure out how to stop engaging in it. That's one of the goals!
I have been where you are. My AH, for so long, blamed everything on me. House was a mess? It was because I was lazy and a slob. He was feeling bored? It was because I wasn't interesting or exciting enough. He wasn't getting sex often enough, and that was my fault because my drive wasn't high enough and why didn't I find him attractive and I must not live him. Etc, etc, and on and on. Our struggle isn't over, and it's only through hitting many lows and working the AA program plus getting into therapy that he's been able to acknowledge that I wasn't to blame. It's still a work in progress.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, you're not alone but it does get better. This is very common with alcoholics.
I think you believe deep down you aren't at fault for most of the chaos and drama but you're starting to doubt yourself. Now's the time to take back control over your life. Get to a face to face meeting if you can. There are people there who will understand and empathize and even (literally) provide a shoulder to cry on. I cried through the whole way through my first f2f meeting two weeks ago and a stranger embraced me and supported me and made me feel like I belonged. You can do this!
-- Edited by RealitySucker on Monday 10th of August 2015 03:45:35 PM
I think in a way what you're asking is what many if not most of us have asked at some point: Either these things are all really my fault, even though it doesn't seem like that could be true - or why does he keep bullying me like this when he is supposed to care for me?
We are hesitant to face up to the fact that our loved one is a bully and an abuser, and we are in his line of fire.
There is only one part of this that we can or should take ownership of. Why do we stay and take the abuse? In my case it was because I was worried that I was so bad that no one else would accept me (because why else would my A treat me like that?). I was terrified of the cascade of emotions that would come if I chose to be alone - the fear, anger, panic, and confusion. (In actual fact they weren't nearly as terrible as I had feared - the apprehension was much more painful than the reality.) I was attached to him in an emotional dependent way I interpreted as love. Al-Anon helped me get perspective and see my way into making calm choices. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
It's maybe also worth looking at your wording - ? You wrote, "Every, and I mean every, fight we have, it ends up being my fault." Of course I know what you meant was "it ends up that he claims that it's my fault." But important to distinguish between his claims and reality. You might equally say, "Every, and I mean every, fight we have, it ends up with him trying to manipulate me by claiming everything is my fault, even though this is an immature and ridiculous argument for him to make." That's stating it more like it is.
I know that my A would have me going around in circles because I couldn't manage to stop arguing with him about the crazy things he said. "I wouldn't have to drink if you weren't so hung up about it!" he'd say. "That makes no sense!" I'd say. "You have to see how that makes no sense. Why, if..." And I'd be off trying to explain sense to a crazy person. He'd keep me going by twisting logic, making outrageous claims and accusations, derailing the argument... It all took attention away from the real problem: that he was an active alcoholic and I was miserable. As long as they know they can bait us into debating whether it's all our fault, or make us retreat with despair at our inability to persuade them that their claims are crazy, it distracts from the real situation. It keeps things in a holding pattern, just the way they like them. We can get out of the holding pattern by getting into our own recovery, going to Al-Anon meetings, and learning the tools of the program. I hope you'll break free too. Take good care of yourself.
Not your fault. The blame game drove me quite quite insane. As blame is also a destructive tool to absolve personal responsibility. I cried like you are, I was a walking exclamation mark, confused beyond recognition, dragging myself to a doctor for sleeping pills and anti depressants, before waking up and going oh no. No, no and no again. I'm sorry this process sucks as much as it does. Try to eat, drink water, get some exercise even a walk round the block. And read literature, go to meetings, even online, and read what Mattie said about distraction because its so so true. Whether intended or not, it becomes a hard habit to break. Let it begin with you.
Tonight I was at a f2f meeting and the topic was detachment. One person spoke up and told us that someone once described alcoholism as a wild horse and the alcoholic as the rider. We can't stop the wild horse by jumping in front of it, riding with the alcoholic or trying to contain the horse. The best we can do is get out of the way and hope the alcoholic jumps off. Any attempts we make to stop the wild horse, including reasoning with it, will only leave us trampled and hurt. I liked this analogy. It helped me to understand that I can still love the person stuck on the horse - but I also see that letting myself get trampled on is not going to change anything.
When I am busy chasing horses, I am not focusing on myself, my serenity and my reactions. And believe me, I've chased my share of horses.
The truth is it is not all your fault and could not ever be...you're not that powerful and then no matter what he does with that truth it is up to you to believe and accept it and let him feel the insanity as he wishes to. I remember coming to the point where I accepted my self and the truth about me and then stood up for that me. After than nothing anyone, especially the alcoholic/addict accused me of made a difference...just words no truths. Keep coming back and the suggestion for face to face meetings is the best on...if you are not already an Al-Anon member. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
No, my dear friend, it is NOT your fault. That is the disease. My AH even blamed me at the jail when he had just virtually run over a State Trooper. My last words were do not drive...promise? Then I said don't call me if you drive and get a DUI......hahaha. I think he called like 75 times (literally), since it's rather complicated and let's just say he had special treatment.
He does not blame me now (except on a few rare occasions when he has been on a dry drunk), but I don't accept blame anymore unless it really is my fault (and since I am not perfect it sometimes is), but he has 4 months sober!!!! That is the difference. The disease doesn't like it, but he does. And, so do I!!!
I can't and won't go back to the way it was...the twisting of my words, the manipulation, the excuses, the lies, the blame, and the constant superiority. Nope, now it is ME that hangs up the phone if he starts acting stupid (the dry drunk thing). He has to deal with his own issues and accept blame if it is warranted. I don't have the will or the strength to endure any more abuse at the mouth of a drunk so he had to get sober or get out.
It is NOT easy and I have cried a river of tears, but it is what it is. I did not cause it, I can not cure it, and I can not control it. As I explained this weekend, I don't want another child. I want a husband. I refuse to treat him like a child and I don't want him to tell me every thing he does and says every day (his way of dealing with something he had done that was stupid and I didn't agree with). I want him to talk to me...communication...I want honesty...and I want respect. I just can not deal with anything else anymore and your post sounds like you are sick and tired of hearing how his bad behavior is YOUR fault. No, it is NOT your fault!!!
