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Not sure what's going on with the whole cosmic order of things but it really seems that my HP has decided it's time to clear up all of the "stuff" surrounding my ex husband, one way or another.
This Sunday daughter has a school event and so I am to take her to his house on friday night and then meet him at the school event on Sunday where hopefully he will be bringing her. This is irksome as I have been trying to insist upon limiting any contact between us to hand-overs when she has visitation and very simple text messages to arrange these handovers. Aside from that i have been trying to instigate "no contact" which he is aggressively opposed to. So attending a school event that he will be at isn't really at the top of my wish-list.
Now, my parents are visiting on Sunday and I will be going to the event with them. This might sound perfect but in fact it's a whole other kettle of angry fish. On one hand my parents tell me they think my ex is a nasty jerk, and that I should stand up for myself and ignore anything he says, yet on the other hand they are super-friendly to him. I don't want or expect them to argue with him or speak on my behalf, however they really over-do it and it is kind of weird. it's not just my ex; my mother and her sister have had some really major fallings out over mothers continuing friendships with not only her ex husband but her recent ex-boyfriend as well. It is actually kind of weird. I think if someone brings someone into the family and people get to know them it's reasonable that they might remain friends but my mother and stepfather are kind of weird and over-the-top about it, vacationing with my aunt's exes and stuff even knowing how much it upsets her and at the expense of their relationship with her. On the bright side at least it isn't only MY ex husband they are weirdly friendly with. That cheers me.
Anyway last weekend my parents collected my daughter from my ex's house as they were going past on their way home from their beach-house and met me at their place, and made a point of telling me they had been in for a cup of tea. Sigh, whatever, parents. That's nice. Then in the next breath both telling me he's a jerk and after his invasion of my home I should consider calling the police, and so on.
Basically this doesn't anger me as I see that my mother is just too damn afraid to ever be impolite to somebody no matter the circumstances and I get it. Somebody could break into her house, tie her up and steal all of her stuff and she'd still try to wiggle free and make them a cup of tea. And then later tell everyone what a horrible person the robber had been and how she hoped he got the electric chair.
("He used MY rope to tie me up. That rope cost me $15 and I was going to use it to stake up my tomatoes! And then that careless policeman just cut the rope off me with MY good sewing scissors! And none of them put their cups on the sink to be washed and they all dropped biscuit crumbs everywhere! The jerks! And I MADE those biscuits for tomorrow when Ditsy and Thingo come over for morning tea and now I suppose have to stay up all night making more biscuits! Sometimes I am sure God hates me, Melissa".)
Lol. Anyway I am over feeling resentful over mother's need to be excessively friendly to my ex and his wife. I understand; I am only just learning how to not be super-polite to harmful people myself and he and his wife are the fore-runners. I've been super-polite to them for years; only a few months ago I was still trying to claim that I think his new wife is 'nice" and "clever' when her behaviour towards me has been so reprehensible. I found i was forever trying to find ways to view them in a positive light and "be friendly for the sake of mydaughter" and what I found was the smouldering rage underneath it all was poisoning me. So there's no more Mrs Nice Mel anymore, because pretending to be nice to those hateful immature people is just so toxic to me. I don't want to fight with them, I just want as little to do with them as possible.
Anyway. Where it is problematic is that ex-husband seems to take my mothers politeness as a sign that she is 'on his side" and thus when he is having an issue with me and I won't respond to his constant calls and texts he calls her to complain about me. She answers and is super-nice to him, and then calls ME to get angry with ME and tell me "I shouldn't have to take phone calls from that so-and-so deadbeat, why can't you just tell him to get lost" and so on.
Anyway it's frustrating but they aren't my monkeys for the most part.
Where my issue is now is that...at this school event there won't be many parents present; its just 2 teams of 4 girls competing so, 8 families at most. And he will make a point of asking my parents to sit with them, and where does that leave me? I don't want to sit and play weirdo happy families with he and his vile concubine. I also don't want to be in a very familiar situation where I grit my teeth and say nothing and end up having my ex-husband (who is really going to town on me at the moment) nudging me and ridiculing me with stupid 'what's wrong with you, grumpy? Why don't you smile for once?" sort of crap. At the moment he seems hell-bent on bullying and ridiculing me 'back into my place" and I am not projecting but speaking from 12 years of experience with this divorce when i say this is how it is very, very likely to play out.
I don't want a scene or unpleasantness for daughter's sake but at the same time I do not want to sit with the very person I am trying to create a no-contact situation with and I know if I try to discuss it with my mother she will have a fit and tell me I am putting her in a "position".
As silly as it might sound I just cannot figure out how to navigate this event, and if i just 'let it happen" and keep my head down I will be doing the same thing I have done a million times with the same result; ex-husband ridiculing me and trying to make me feel as stupid as possible and my uncomfortable parents angry with me because "did you have to make us feel uncomfortable? Thanks a lot Melissa".
I had the thought of inviting ABF and sitting with him but that is too unpredictable...what if he was drunk?
Almost ready to rent a date for the day.
GAH!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 10th of August 2015 01:17:51 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
"Renting a date" just might be the perfect solution Ms.M. However explaining your position to Mom and asking her to respect your wishes just might work .
I would explain to her that you intend to sit alone without connecting with x and would appreciate it if she would join you. No demands or arguments leave it up to her. If she goes to sit with them proceed to the seat alone You can do this
Thanks Betty
Funny how I decided to put him out of my mind and suddenly no matter what I do he is front and center!
I'm going to trust that HP is helping me clear this nuisance situation up and somehow all of this is going to help.
You are right, if I stick to "I" statements and establish from the outset that I don't intend to sit with him then the what everyone else does is not my business or my responsibility.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
In many ways you are the only sane agent in the bunch.
Maybe it would help to think of it as if he brought all his extended family. He'd be sitting there with his mother and sisters and whoever, and you'd be sitting somewhere else making polite chat with some other parents, not caring about what he and his cohort were up to. In fact this might be a great time to have a chance to get to a "Hi there, how're you doing?" basis with some of the other parents.
That is seriously peculiar. Because I know how peculiar families get, I am not surprised (mine was just as peculiar but in different ways), but they are very lucky your eyes don't roll out of your head at their antics.
I think it ends when your daughter turns 18 and you don't have any more required visitation. Maybe they will all show up at some graduation or something, but you will have a friend with you who can help roll eyes and say "Can you BELIEVE them?" to in an OMG tone of voice. As they say, "Living well is the best revenge." You are starting to get your revenge.
We have some Ex's that show up at some holidays to exchange children. I can honestly say that we go out of our way to be nice and to make nice for the children. It's not about the adults in my family as we assume they're able to deal with indifference and disagreement - in our world, it's about the children.
I have to say that I would let your daughter go up to the door alone - she's able and you can wave to her from the car and drive away. This is what I would do - if he needs to get in touch with you, you already have your boundary of text or email.
As you are going to the event, I would do as suggested - just explain to your mother that you intend to sit away from the X and she is happy to join you if desired. Pass the monkey out of your hands. Again, this aligns with your boundary and you give her a choice. If she suggests you are putting her in a 'position', just state your truth - that's not your intention, you're just abiding by boundaries that have been established.
When people around me try to pass their own insecurities on me, I quickly do what I can to assess what I own and pass back that which is not mine. I am not responsible for how others feel, act, react. I am not responsible for what they say, what they do and/or what they don't do. I've come to conclude that 99.9% of the time when I think my feelings are hurt, it's my issue - I'm too sensitive and I am taking personally that which I should not.
(((Hugs))) to you - of course, if we're staying with the one day at a time concept, many things can happen between then and now and probably will! Enjoy your day - and give the rest up to HP!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hear you missmel....I hear you! I suppose that the 'act as if'....
He is an ant that you can barely hear.
He is only the sperm donor for your daughter.
He is powerless over you.
He is a flea on a dog's backside.
He has no meaning, no baring and no power over you.
He is sicker than others. (as in some are sicker than others).
You want me to keep going? My best suggestion is he will continue to take your power for as long as you're willing to allow it. I tend to ignore mine when they are bullies/in my face/trying to put me down/low. I literally will walk away, turn up the TV and/or excuse myself and leave. It's a powerful message that I don't have to tolerate this any longer and I won't.
(((Hugs))) - keep your power - ask your HP to help you do this. It's a wonderful feeling when you end a situation and feel equal or superior!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My family does the same My nephew is divorced from his wife for over 5 years and yet my sister invites her to every family gathering.
She comes and we all make nice even my nephew her exdoes the same. He makes sure that he tells his 15 year old son that he and mom do not get along and that they will never be back together.
She had a party recently invited us, including her ex (my nephew) and again we all attended It is strange.
In my family, especially when the X is an A$$, we go overboard to be extra nice to them. Again, it's to protect the child/experience of the child. The 'perception' is that if we treat him with the utmost respect perhaps he will limit his abuse to the X and not carry it down to the kids....I can't speak for your X but some of those who've been in our family are the type that if someone challenged them during a hand-off, the weekend for the kid(s) would be destroyed. We want as much peace as possible for the children - that's why we tend to do what we do. We also have about 40 people at our holidays for a hand-off, so we could in theory, pull the X out and whack him upside the head if warranted. But, who suffers? The children, that's who. So, we take the highest possible road, and kill them with kindness!
I didn't say it was sane, it's just how we've always handle volatile Xs. We do support our family as your parents do (behind closed doors). It's a defense mechanism for your daughter as opposed to disrespecting you - if they are thinking as my family does.
My own parents took the side of my first husband when I divorced. It was devastating to me at the time. However, as I've worked the steps, I understand why - I was the biggest issue in that failed marriage. I wish they would have remained neutral and un-involved, but it's just not that big of a deal to me now after I've done my step work and inventory.
I suspect if you spoke your peace, your parents wouldn't understand what you are saying/feeling. I know mine did not. They thought they were doing the right thing. I'm not saying it's sane or even totally logical behavior, but it's peace-keeping. I'm not trying to diminish your feelings, I'm trying to give you a different perspective. I don't have any children with my X, and am grateful for that, but he's a good guy - I was the problem!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Our responses are like ships passing in the night!!! I knew which you were responding to Mel! And I do understand how you feel. I just suspect they truly believe they are doing good vs. a malicious intent.
That's a question I've added to my tool box - when I am upset, offended, feeling used - it is me or is it them? Are their words intended to be malicious? It helps me realize the human element in all of us as well as the human element of communication. (((Hugs to you))) - I think you can handle it and I think you will impress yourself - just like the recording 'power' you've recently implemented....
Take care!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I said 'when does it end" I meant me feeling humiliated by him though. I don't care if he's buddies with my parents for so long that he visits them in their nursing home. I just don't want to feel small or embarrassed by him any longer. I want that to come to an end yesterday
Melissa it ends when you are strong enough in yourself to no longer be humiliated by him. I am absolutely 100% sure that my ex regaled his buddies, whom I run in to from time to time, with tales of how awful I am. eh, I don't care. those who really know the situation give me hugs and make me feel good to see them; those who pass me on the street with a raised nose - to heck with. I know what I lived through; I know what it took to rise above the ashes. YOU know what you went through and what he continues to try to put you through - you have no need on earth to grovel at ANYBODY's feet. Sit where you want and tell your family they are welcome to join you. Make no apologies because you have nothing to apologize for. What anybody else thinks of you doesn't matter to you, you are Al-Anon strong!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
However explaining your position to Mom and asking her to respect your wishes just might work .
