The material presented
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level.
Hello fellows, I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. She hurt me really bad and I had to leave the relationship, but I still loved/love her. She is in denial about her drinking problem and her character defects (lying, manipulation), so the relationship was impossible to continue if I wanted to save myself. However, I do not see my ex making any changes and members of her immediate family have died very young from drinking. She has very little to no support and I feel really responsible for helping her. It is a different feeling than the one I have when I am passing by a homeless person who is killing him/herself with drinking or drugs. I feel for them but I don't know them -- I don't love them intimately. I don't feel that I have an individual obligation to help them. But I am haunted by this feeling about my ex. I dream about her once a week and have to constantly prevent myself from contacting her. She has refused to go to therapy with me so I can talk to her about my concerns, which I feel would be the most fair way to address this issue, and I did express my concerns directly to her when we were in a relationship -- about her health, lifestyle, and self-destruction. She just denied it and changed the subject like I was an idiot. I don't know how to cope with the feelings of guilt I feel for not doing anything more to help her.
Go to alanon and practice step 3 over and over. If she goes to AA...if SHE decides she is ready, there will be many sober alcoholics more equipped to help her than you. It's not your job. Even dragging someone else to therapy to tell them how much they need to change isn't really that dignified. If she is hell bent on destroying herself with addiction, she's a grown up and that's her prerogative.
Welcome to MIP misspaola! Glad you found us and glad you posted.
It's natural to have concern for a loved one, especially when they are sick. Untreated alcoholism is no different untreated asthma or diabetes. Unfortunately, the only person who can chose to get better is the patient - we can't convince, bribe, manipulate, scream, yell, cry or love them to wellness ... it has to come from them and from within.
Before this program, I spent way too much time trying to fight this disease. Once I got here, and figured out that my fight was pointless, I began to rebuild me. By rebuilding me, I've found peace, serenity and happiness with 2 of 3 of my qualifiers still active.
You know in your head that stepping away or taking a break to save yourself is the best next step. It's your heart that is wondering if that's the real right answer. I can relate and often talked about the disconnect between my head and my heart. This program, the steps, program friends and a good sponsor helped me to align those a bunch and grow stronger in what is within in control and what I am powerless over.
Please know that you are not alone, and you've arrived at a great group for help/support! I too encourage you to go to a meeting/two/more and find some local support. If you happen to be in an area where there aren't any or they aren't offered when you can attend, there are two meetings here online twice daily! Go to the top left and you can find both the meeting schedule as well as a link to the chat room where the meetings are.
(((Hugs))) to you - detaching from the illness is hard at first, but gets easier as you start finding peace within. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much to all of you. This wisdom really helps me at the moment. I am far away from meetings but when I return to the US I will definitely go and get some support.
Try the online meeting her maybe? Keep coming back here too. Post away! Keep us updated. Things are harder when you face them alone and you don't have to.
Pinkchip mentions meetings here - if you look to the top left, you can find the meeting schedule as well as a link to the meeting/chat room. We have folks attend world-wide often!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
