The material presented
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I am becoming more and more aware of what I want out of life, and that is good,but at the same time my feelings are sometimes very overwhelming.The situation that I am dealing with right now is one of depression,(intense anger),panic attacks,anxiety,frustration,and disappointment.My daughter's boyfriend was having problems at home and moved in with us several months ago.He is 18 years old and still isn't working.My problem with this situation is my daughter works and goes to school,and I am also in school.Here is boyfriend's day,sleep late,play video games,mess up kitchen,doesn't do dishes,plays more video games,etc.So you can imagine my anger at coming home from class to a filthy kitchen!I even tried an experiment of not washing any dishes,hoping he would,it didn't work,all dishes ended up being dirty! I have already talked about the situation on two different occasions and nothing has changed.I have asked him to help out,he doesn't even keep up with taking out trash.I am constantly asking,like you would a child. So,This is what I want,I want him to move back home!I don't feel like I can take the disrespect any longer.So there it is,how do I approach this without my daughter hating me?That is one of my biggest fears,we have had such a great relationship,I just hate to see him drive a wedge between us,but I feel like that is what is happening.I mean,he is 18,you would think he would have enough respect for my daughter to at least clean up after himself!!!I am really starting to not like him.I know that it is time to do something and it isn't going to be comfortable.
You have a good opportunity to teach your daughter non-enabling. Maybe share that you jad to learn tje hard way not to tolerate unacceptable behaviors. Other than that, do what is right and let her have whatever reaction she is going to. That is out of your control any way. Most parents wouldn't allow their child's boyfriend to move in at 18...Not saying you were wrong at all, but rather illustrating that you were already being super accepting so if she wants to act hateful she really doesn't have a leg to stand on
So sorry you are in this situation......boundary setting for me has extended well beyond those with substance abuse issues. His stay should not be a free ride - he should be paying rent at a minimum and doing his fair share too. I have come to realize if I do not say exactly what I want/need, it will not happen. Especially in situations like this.
Your daughter most likely already knows that your patience is running out. She's lived with you a long while and will know your 'buttons'. If the 18 YO boy doesn't believe he needs a job, to pay rent and/or contribute, perhaps he needs to begin his new home search. There is no place that I am aware of (including FOO home) where one can live rent free & chore free - so why would that be the expectation here?
This program tells me that i have to speak my truth and then not concern myself with how others receive and react to it. If it's affecting your peace of mind, it's an issue that needs to be addressed. I don't envy you and hope you can get some good traction soon on resolving. If you are anything like me, you might blow over a glass left on a table .... which doesn't seem like a huge deal unless it's the 1,000 glass I've picked up in the last month!!
(((Hugs))) to you - and good luck!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This seems to be common unfortunately. It's your home and he's a guest. At 18, I think if he's going to stay, there's no way he has the independence needed to self support. So knowing that, if you keep him on its knowingly taking on another kid to raise, and parenting him with valuable life skills. Waking up early, doing chores, looking for a job and no video games period. Consequences etc. Its alot to take on and its ok not to. I mean you already have a daughter and you tried to help out but he doesn't help himself. Shape up or ship out, its a form of kindness.
