The material presented
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When I see stories or pictures of happy siblings. Sometimes I get sad or jealous. Truth is, Ive never really had that. Yes, I have a brother but when I think of our relationship over the last 29.7 years, the memories are mostly bad. From beating me up as a child to the drug addiction, overdoses, lying about having terminal cancer and the suicide text that I got this morning Hes caused me more tears and hurt than anyone or anything has in my life. Ive lost loved ones, had my heart broken, been a victim of random violence, had personal and career failures yet I think my brother has hurt me more than all that combined.
Siblings are the closest people genetically to you. Theyre supposed to be a buddy to hang out with. Someone to be there for you. Mine has mostly caused me depression, pain and tears. He's an alcoholic and drug addict. He has aspergers too which has affected him his whole life but doctors have only been able to diagnose him for the last third of it. I know hes messed up. I know I should help him. I cant though. Ive done everything I can for him and nothing works. I think I lost hope.
I dont know what to do How to help him Truth is, I havent felt like Ive had a brother in a very long time. I talk to him, visit him but he hasnt really been there in forever. I wrote this poem about him years ago.
My Quiet Plea
Your hand in mine
I walk alone
I feel your grip
like a gentle stone
Your breath shows life
seeps inside
But in your eyes
lays a shallow tide
You, my heart beats for
You, my soul adores
You, Im touched within
You, please dont give in
Our whole lives
spent side by side
The highs and lows
pass like a ride
Your warm heart
always warmed my soul
But when youre gone
it tears a hole
At times the sight of you
is too much to bare
To see the monsters
hide in your stark stare
Id give anything
to have you all here
But even when next to me
youre never quite near
You, my heart beats for
You, my soul adores
You, Im touched within
You, please dont give in
Many hours
spent in tears
The fear amounts
to wasted years
Your troubles have left
a curse every day
But Ill still be here for you
a thousand ways
The sad part is that I had about ten times more hope for him when I wrote that than I do now. I love him so much. I just cant be there for him or deal with the tears anymore. He hurts us to get attention. He has cancer, hes killing himself anything. My mind flashes back over the past memories with him and theyre mostly bad. Hitting me when I was protecting my grandma, pushing my mom down the stairs, stealing my grandmas pain meds when she was dying from cancer, how he nearly made my parents get a divorce. The car crashes, the rehabs, the over doses, the nights he spent in jail. The pain when I heard of each lessoned over time. You can only be stabbed so many times before you stop feeling. Before your body makes you numb as a defense mechanism.
However today, when he texted me and told me hed be dead by the time Id read the text. My heart stop. I frantically called him. Tears streaming down my face while I was waiting for my morning coffee. I called my parents to see if they heard anything. For an hour I didnt know if he was alive and I felt sick. It was torture. It hurt as much as hes ever hurt me again. The wound was new and no longer numb. Even after I knew he was ok, we didnt know where he was. He was afraid wed want to put him in jail. We did every thing to reason with him Every angle. Making sure he knew we loved him and just wanted him to get help. Each attempt was met with violent, hurtful accusations. If we couldnt hand him money, we were throwing him out. Tough love kills he said. Would you turn your back on a person with cancer? Addiction is an illness. I told him we would want the person with cancer to go get help as well. Nothing we said could reason with him because, as I know, addicts often cant think rationally.
Please get help. I love you but Im not going to respond anymore till I know youve checked yourself into a hospital. Was the last thing I said.
I used to wonder how people could turn their back on family. How addicts end up on the streets when they have to have had families. Today for the first time, I understood. Im still battling with wondering if Im a bad sister for ignoring him. I know my parents will talk to him and I will hear about his well being through them, so its not fully turning my back.
Im just not sure how much I can take. Ive considered suicide recently but I never would because I dont want to hurt the people I love. My brother has an affect on me that no one else could ever have. Hes hurt me more than anyone and I still love him more than life. Hes been hurting me for 16 years, over half my life. At this point I just wonder if anything I do can help him anyways and do I really want to let him keep dragging me down with him.
-- Edited by confused_sister on Saturday 8th of August 2015 01:30:06 PM
Hey there. Sounds very draining,saddening and confusing. And he sounds very caught up in addiction, which includes depersonalised emotional manipulation. Aspergers probably doesn't help that at all. It must have been horrible to receive a message of impending death. That is not something a well being would do. But, and this is not harsh meaning, it is out of your control. You are not responsible for his behaviours, and unfortunately for us, the non substance abusers, years of these actions train us to react in ways that actually detract from our growth and health right along with them. Alanon is a place where we learn loving detachment, and a whole host of other tools, so we can stop merely surviving and start actually living. It sounds to me like you've been in survival mode for a really long time, and I can relate to that, and would like to say change is possible. A life that is not held hostage to the destructive actions of those we love. There are meetings here online, I'd also encourage you to seek out face to face. Keep coming back here too. Be safe, eat something nourishing, take good and gentle care of you.
Dear confused sister Your poem says it all. It is a beautiful expression of the love you feel and the pain and sadness you have experienced--- I do so understand.
Please, please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend The hot line number is listed in the white pages. It is here i was able to break the isolation caused by the insanity of this disease, develop new constructive tools to live by and also learn not to react but respond to life.
Please call the police and ask for a "wellness check", when you receive texts or calls such as you have just received.
Welcome to MIP - I am so very glad you found us and that you posted your share. I also love your poem - it's very well written and truly reminds me how devastating this disease is for those who love or live with a substance abuser.
One of the first things I heard when I arrived was the three Cs - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. These 3 mighty concepts helped me to breathe deeply for the first time in a long, long while.
This disease is cunning, powerful, baffling and progressive. It is a disease that one is never cured from, but can find recovery. For those who live with and/or love a substance abuser, there is Al-Anon. It's based on fellowship with others who experience same/similar situations + Steps + Slogans. We learn how to cope with the disease/diseased, as well as how to find peace, serenity and joy in spite of what they are doing or not doing. We learn how to establish healthy boundaries and how to detach with love - both very powerful and peace provoking tools.
I too encourage you to find local F2F (Face to Face) meetings. There you will find fellowship and local support which has been a true gift for me. To know I am not alone and that others have similar/same experiences is an almost beyond words experience.
You are not alone - we are just a post away. (((Hugs))) to you and again - so glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for joining us - and thank you for your beautiful poem - it speaks for so many of us who love an alcoholic and it really is so truthful and kind.
Your post also speaks to me about the self blame that we go through when we realise that we can not help someone we love. I have beaten myself up for not being loving enough, not knowing the magic words that will create change. And I came to see that I was simply adding to the abuse that alcoholism inflicts on us all. Alanon has helped me a lot, seeing how others cope and even thrive despite the alcoholism in their lives is an inspiration. Also realising that others could understand my situation and in fact had also felt as though they were the crazy ones even though it was obvious that they were not was a blessing on so many levels!
I remember when I was worried that my husband might kill himself and during that time I thought about what I could possibly do to honour my love for him. It occurred to me that the best way of showing someone that I loved them was to thrive and enjoy my life. To be pleased when we did connect, but unharmed when we couldn't. To let them be themselves and to let them make their own choices, however scary those choices seemed to me.
I think that you can feel proud about the boundary that you have stated about asking your brother to seek help before he contacts you again. That boundary might save his life.
In the meantime it is ok to look after yourself - you can't give from an empty cup and if you can keep connecting with us and perhaps face to face Alanon I believe that you will find some things that will help you to cope and go on to live the life you want and fully deserve.
I have never "helped" my sisters and they never "helped" me other than to talk and encourage. Who says you "should help" him? Usually it's parents whose job it is to look out for their kids. Even then, if your brother is 30 years old or so, it's not their job either. Your post had absolutely lovely sentiments in it, but the one thing that stuck out for me was that "I know I should help him" line...Who says? That is something you are buying into that is making you feel like crap.
It's tragic that he struggles so, but really let this sink in: You didn't cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.
What I also read is that you may have had struggles with your brother and in other ways in life, but you have talents for self expression and are not a total victim of these events. Sorry your brother has these issues. I am glad you are able to function on a different level. His problems are not all yours to have.
Him having cancer is something that legitimately you would want to be a strong moral support, but again, when you throw in alcoholism/addiction - The person doesn't really let you care for them in a healthy way and that is not your fault either. Be kind to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong and actually have probably been the best sister he could have had.
Ah hon, you have done way more than almost anyone I know would. You have been there, you have supported, you have forgiven over and over. you have given unconditional love. And it changed nothing about him. He has to take responsibility for himself, to either seek a cure for his addiction or to wallow in a poor me attitude. He wants to wallow and he wants his family to wallow with him.
¨Pink was right. It is the duty of a parent to raise and support a child to adulthood. Somehow you got the message early in life that it is also your duty to do so. Not true. He has been surrounded by enablers all his life and he wants to continue with this. You love your brother but you are not responsible for his actions.
Please go to meetings. Get some perspective and some tools. Find out how to take care of you because you sound as if you are at the end of your rope. Learn how to detach, how to recognize his manipulation and refuse to engage. Because as long as he can manipulate, he will. And once it does not work, he just may seek help. Right now, you need to take care of you.
Thank you everyone for the kind words! It really helps and means a lot to hear from people that have been in similar situations. I think I will look into the F2F meetings sometime soon! :)
