The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know this is a psychology term, projection, where another places bad attributes onto another person. I have found this to be a constant for a long time with my AW and me. Part of it is growing up in a narcissist family, and having some narcissistic tendencies that I see from how her mom and sister are and how she treats me. Can this also be part of the alcohol, too? I didn't grow up with alcohol so still the signs I'm still trying to figure out. However, I did live in a dysfunctional codependent family, and the are similar.
The projection seems to be getting worse and I feel like I'm letting it affect my self-esteem and stress levels. Case in point: the last year has been very busy for me. I had 3 jobs and going to school part-time. So that left little in the way of taking care of the house. And it's always been my responsibility to take care of the house (my AW's expectation). So, I haven't done as much, asked for some help, etc. It didn't happen. This summer, I'm working almost full-time, but I'm off for the summer from school. I am starting to catch up, but taking some much needed time to relax, because it was a really rough year. I guess I'm not doing enough quickly and my spouse is writing about it to others, complaining constantly to me, and now taking photographs of the mess. What's funny, is it's her mess!! But I'm responsible for it somehow. It infuriated me when I found out at a party last weekend that she was inviting mutual friends over with the house a mess, not cleaning it up (I was working, and had been) and let them in anyway, all the while blaming me for all of the mess in the house! I am so humiliated (that's another thing she likes to do to put me in my place with our mutual friends, but that's another post for another day). I feel like I'm cleaning up after a grown up child. I have tried detaching and not cleaning up her stuff, but now she is doing THIS! I tell her all the time not to bring people over unless you do some cleaning up first. I can't do it all! But I'm expected to.
This is just one example of the projection she will do, and make me look bad. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions or inactions. Any advice would be great. Thanks!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
I can certainly identify with this experience and know that when I was in the worst of it, additional meetings, the steps and my sponsor helped me to see that what other people think of me is none of my business. That I can stay detached, validate myself and take the next right action when I put principles above personalities. Keeping the focus on yourself, trusting HP and truly ask the question "how important is it" ? helps in determining what is truly important.
We are only human, which is pretty great. I can just do so much. Validate your assets and keep showing up
Thanks, Betty. Part of my problem is I worry too much about what others think or say about me. I'm doing the best that I can, so that should be enough. I have been working more on myself this summer and relying on my HP, which has grounded me and has changed my perception on many things. However, I still worry about what others think of me. I guess I'm still a work in progress. Thanks for your advice.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Oh my......I am a tad bit OCD so having photos of my 'messy home' would have upset me tremendously before program.....
My 3 As are not concerned with how things look/appear nor are they too worried about dust, dirt, etc. What I figured out through my inventory work is it was ME who put the most pressure on ME....
I've since relaxed a bit and decided that my house is my home. If I have some piles, some dust, some dishes, some laundry to do, it's all good as we and everything around us is a 'work in progress'. I also no longer clean or pick up after others unless it's in my way. I've left dishes on stairs for multiple days.....very uncomfortable, but sends the message that I can adapt and accept.
It is through this program, the steps and a bunch of acceptance that I've learned to chill a bit. I have also learned to not be concerned with what others think of me or say about me. I can share that if 1/2 of a couple sent these type of photos to me, I would probably write back and ask what's the purpose? But - I have a program and am working on being of service to others.
I often have to remember that everybody's got something.....for those who find humor in degradation of another, I pray for them as they've yet to find their own peace in our world.
You are doing what you can when you can and that's all that matters. Hang in there and be proud of who you are and what you're doing; try not to worry about what is not getting done. It will wait for ya!!! (that's what I tell me)...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think this is hitting on a major part of what I need the most recovery on: worrying about what others think about me, their judgment of me, and allowing others to control me based on this weakness. And also others getting a rise out of making others miserable or upset. I grew up in a similar home that I now created as an adult. My parents were slobs and it was up to me mainly to take care of them as a child, which included cleaning up after them, as they continued to make messes and yell at me when I didn't clean right or do it in the right way. I thought as an adult that I would never live like that, and voila, I'm in the same situation. Luckily due to this program, I have an awareness of the issues and my role in them. Now, the hard part- overcoming this. I'm so thankful for my HP- I will definite pray for those who find embarrassing or demeaning others to make themselves happy.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
