The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Married 8 years, miserable for 8 years.......I've stayed because we have a beautiful home on a lake, live in a wonderful close knit community and have great friends here. He is well known and well liked in the community. No one knows what I go through.He is now drinking AND abusing pain killers! He was Baker Acted last week while I was out of town with a girlfriend. Just lost his job .Enough is enough and I have finally decided all these nice things are not worth putting up with all the pain and sadness in my life. We have 2 beautiful boxer dogs. He is really really attached to them. (so am I ) I feel if I leave and take the dogs , he might go off the deep end. Like end it..... I cant leave the dogs because I do not trust him to take care of them properly when drinking or drugged up. I thought I could hold out until he got a job , but just found out he had an affair last year. Geeze....is this really MY life?? I cant even stand to look at him. Anyway should I think about myself like alanon sais and leave or stay until he is in a better state of mind.
Hugs, I left my AH 4 months ago so understand what you're going through. If you feel it's time to go remember you aren't in control of his actions. If you think he will harm himself that is not your responsibility, most alcoholics are very good manipulators and will say anything. If you do leave and you feel or he says he will harm himself you can call 911. As for the dogs if they aren't cared for with him don't leave them with him. It is very hard but keep coming back, we understand!
Welcome Diane, Attending alanon meetings, living one day at a time, focused on yourself will help you to decide the next right action for you to take.
Examine your motives, trust HP and keep coming back. You are not alone.
Punkin, Welcome to Miracles In Progress (MIP), so happy you found us and thank you for sharing with us as well!
I learned in Al-Anon that Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic and fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured, it is therefore a life long disease, which requires the alcoholic to commit to a life long program of recovery.
You did not cause the alcoholism nor can you make the alcoholic stop drinking, we are indeed powerless over the alcoholic. We who live with the disease are very much affected by it and need our own program of recovery (Al-Anon), because of the chaos the disease causes, it makes us ill as well .
Al-anon tools taught me how to react in a more appropriate way to my AHs drinking problems and the chaos that is causes, with empathy and love (called DETACHMENT).
You can be supportive but you cant force someone to get help nor can you change the way alcoholic treats you.
You will also learn how to be more mindful that you have your own life and destiny and not rely on the alcoholic in your life to make you happy. AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members. Al-Anon, like AA holds face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is usually listed in your local the telephone directory or on the internet and you can come and talk with the us, the members of MIP.
Al-anon tools, steps, traditions, slogans, prayers and meditations helps us to turn the focus on ourselves to gain and maintain our peace, serenity and dignity. Everyone works at their own pace (Easy Does It) and the support from all the members is invaluable!
There are meetings on this board two times a day and you can work the 12 steps and traditions here on this board as well. Al-Anon works when you work it! I highly recommend buying the book Courage To Change, it has daily readings that helps us live one day at a time. Please come back any time to talk with us. You are not alone.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you posted.
What this program has taught me is that I can find peace and serenity and happiness in my life by working on me and focusing on me. I have no control over others, nor do I have a Crystal Ball that will help me with what tomorrow will bring. My only choice is to focus on me, my behaviors, my actions, my reactions and my recovery.
When I got here, I was crazy. Crazy with worry about my A, my home, finances, etc. I have come to understand that I could loose everything that I have and still be OK. This is possible only because I've become willing to work on me, believe in this program and trust a power great than myself.
My best suggestion is to embrace this program, go to some meetings and then decide what makes sense for you in your life. I have learned how to make decisions with facts instead of reacting with emotions. Again, a direct result of this program and faith in a power greater than me.
I am so sorry that you are where you are. As Debbie points out, this disease can be fatal. It is also cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's a family disease, and affects those who are the substance abuser(s) as well as those who love them and/or live with them. You've taken a great first step in reaching out here - keep coming back to learn all that you can about this disease and I believe the answers will come to you.
(((Hugs))) - glad you are here - we're all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What many people do when they think their loved one may be actively suicidal is to call professional services (starting with the police). They're trained to deal with people on the brink; we're not. They can get them access to longterm services that can help them.
If we can't leave or take our dogs because our alcoholics are threatening suicide (whether verbally or otherwise), then we're being held hostage. Being a hostage is no way to live a life. What misery for everyone.
I hope you'll find a good meeting and start working on your own recovery. No one should have to go through this without support. Hugs.
I love pets. I have a practical farm here with 7 animals. However, I would never let a pet dictate me staying in a miserable situation. Also, when I reached the point of leaving my ex A, I had also reached the philosophy that, while it would be sad if he killed himself or got worse, it would not be because of me or any pet.
So sorry to hear you are in this position. It is so very hard - I know how much a pet can mean to a person. I don't have any words of advice but I really hope you find a way that is best for all of you. And I hope you can draw some strength form the virtual support offered on the message boards.
Welcome to MIP popchik - so glad you found us and posted!
Great to have you around - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation and I can relate to having a home in beautiful countryside and pets that you adore. Both these things have kept me tied to my situation in the past.
I struggle to keep the focus on myself but I wish that I had learnt to do that better a few years ago. I found that meditation helped me to stop climbing the walls long enough to think a bit more rationally, and also yoga - which has the added benefit of toning a few muscles! It sounds to me as though a lot of boundaries are being crossed in your life and that a beautiful home and loving animals might not be enough to maintain your own wellbeing. I did choose to stay and I went through a lot of depression because, I think, that I was not honouring myself and my feelings. I felt my resentments rising and I did not like myself much for how I felt about my husband and also about myself.
I tend to view my life as an on-going lesson and the lesson I've been learning lately is that it is my job to take care of myself and my own self esteem. If I were able to turn the clock back a couple of years I would be asking myself 'how is this affecting my self esteem/self worth' and then act to take best care of myself. My husband's reaction would be his to deal with.
PS I did leave for a month once and actual husband did a reasonable job of taking care of himself!
Keep reading, keep learning and take time if that is what you need. We all understand and are here for you.
