The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I will start writing and see if anyone can make sense of it. I have now been officially divorced for over a year and a half. From the time that my exAH moved out I have heard from time to time about his commitment to sobriety- the other consistency is his resistance to AA and any other support.
I guess I am wondering, as I have been working a program with diligence for 2+ years, a sponsor, meetings, readings and commitment to recovery-- why do I listen at all anymore when A talks about his not drinking ( I can't call it sobriety)? Just a quick example- he has routinely been telling me how lost he's been, how he knows it is right for him to not drink etc etc, and this last time told me he hasn't had a drink since about mid July. I am disappointed in myself because I start almost obsessing over the date that he allegedly stopped drinking. Why? I thought I was healthier than this! Haha
I know that part of it is simply hoping he really gets sober, but I do find myself getting sucked in and it's bugging me.
Its our own addiction I think. I had to break all contact with my ex as I found myself listening to the same old crap over and over. It wasnt until we were completely over that my ex finally got sobriety for himself. Listening to it is kind of helping it continue. While your continuing to be his audience hes continuing to play the same old part. Change it up. It will likely be good for you and him.
Thank you Betty and Elcee. I have to remember where I am right now. Where I am! I appreciate your thoughts-- it unnerved me how quickly my thoughts went straight to 'what if this and what if that'.
I'm just beginning so pardon my ignorance. Does detachment with love mean that you leave all feelings behind for the love of yourself? Or does it mean that you can love and pray for the A's happiness and sobriety?
To Me, Detachment with love, simply means that since I am powerless over others and they me , that I stay within my own self, take care of my own feelings, without hurting, blaming or judging others.
.I can then certainly pray for others, as well as myself.but it is important that I keep the focus on my own recovery.
Lost it is normal to blame something but it does not help us recover .
Accepting that alcoholism is a disease that we need support in learning how to interact with is healthy. Alanon tools work because we focus on ourselves and not others and develop new tools to help ourselves.
Blaming his disease still keeps us angry- It is best to detach , pray examine your motives, your part and take care of you.
Learn the lessons that Hp want you to learn and grow in serenity , courage and wisdom
detachment has been a difficult concept to manage. How to separate feelings about the person and feelings about the disease. I thought I was getting somewhere with that. Check that- I AM getting somewhere with that but tonight, reading a note from ex A and his thoughts about not drinking-- for a while I was not practicing detachment at all.
My standard response when one of my As is wanting to share with me how good they are doing is, "I am so happy for you."
For me, this keeps them detached from me, and it's 100% honest - I am happy for them. I say this even if/when I feel it's not honest as I've decided I truly don't know what's best for another. I tend to think I do based on my own life journey. I've decided that each of us has our own journey and at the end of the day, my ultimate 'prayer' for all is happiness.
I understand completely where you are and have also gotten into 'that' thinking. These lovely tools we have so help me and when I start to ponder, wonder, judge, etc. I tend to reach for my own abbreviated 1st Step slogan - Choose Powerlessness or Craziness.
(((Hugs))) - it's easy to want more/better/best for those we care about. Just because they are an X doesn't mean you don't care and genuinely want happiness and healthiness for them.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
