The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would love to hear from anyone who has chosen or had to leave their home because their A won't. How does one pack up and leave while their A is sitting around the house getting in the way? Or whatever. How the heck do you even navigate what you are going to take, with someone who is not in their right mind? The place I am renting is a five minute drive from our house and is completely unfurnished.
Our counselor said we should not live under the same roof right now - that it is not good for our peace, our kids, our nervous systems (she is very big on taking care of one's nervous system). He refused to, so I I have been staying away from my home for the past month while he has been at home with the kids. I see them most days, but it has been uncomfortable with him.
He keeps saying I should not move out, I will ruin our kids, blah blah. We finally had another meeting with our counselor yesterday,
and she was hepign him move forward into accepting it, and the practical aspects like when we would take the kids,when we would go to meetings, etc. Today they met without me, and she urged him very strongly to go away for the weekend, so I could be in our house peacefully/alone as I prepare to move my things out. He finally agreed, but said he did not have the emotional capacity to tie the kids and go visit his mother, which he had been considering.
He agreed to be gone from noon Friday to noon Monday. Then, he discovered that I took his copy of the key to my car. A car he never drives. I took it last Sunday, when he was drunk and aggressively challenging me about leaving. I took it to have an extra copy and to prevent him from being able to unlock/open my car, where I have been keeping papers and stuff during this month that I have been living with friends. He asked if I took it, and I said yes. He asked why I didn't tell him and I texted "because you were not being nice, and I was not going to risk talking to you about anything." I should have just said something bland, but it was late and I was so tired and feeling relieved he was going to go away for a few days.
Now, I see he has texted "this weekend won't work for me to go away. The deal is off. We can talk tomorrow."
I don't know if he is trying to punish me, or something else happened, but I think he does not want to be gone when I am moving stuff out. I welcome any ESH on this difficult topic.
I really wish I hadn't looked at my phone when I woke up at 4:45 am. Now I feel so anxious, plus there is so much anger and resentment surging through me that i have to move out of my house!!! And do all this work on a hot summer weekend, possibly with him hanging around, maybe drinking. And now, I am feeling that I did something wrong, by texting him an honest answer to his question I am so so tired of dancing around everything, trying to be strategic, not ruffle the feathers, etc. UGH.
Bring a friend (or 2 or 3) with you and move out. Be all about business and try not to fight in front of your kids. It may have been nice to do it alone, but you don't require his full cooperation to move on. Pray to your hp and do what you feel is spiritually right for you.
And yes, I had a similar experience though not with kids involved. My ex was an ass while I moved my stuff out. I basically just got what I really needed and tried to ignore him. There was one volatile fight in that span and it really just reinforced why I was leaving.
Oceanpine, I would just plan on taking my clothes and my personal items and buy anything else I needed. I became a true minimalist so that a futon , small dresser, dishes from discount stores could hold me over. Positive thoughts and prayers
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 5th of August 2015 08:47:39 AM
Has your partner ever been violent or threatened violence, or do you think he might be so drunk or angry that he is violent? I know that moving out is a risk point for violence in difficult relationships. if there is any risk of this whatsoever, I hope you'll get a police officer to be there when you take your things.
It does sound to me as if he's decided to stay for the weekend because he's angry. That possibility shouldn't be discounted.
Another option is to take things little by little - a suitcase today when he's not there, another tomorrow, etc. Ideally all when he's not there and unaware that it's happening. The less he's focused on it, the easier for everyone.
For me, when I moved out, I told him ahead of time that I was signing a lease and that I would be moving out in 2-3 weeks. He stayed out of my way and I told him what day the friends and movers were coming so that he could vacate the property for the day. Actually, he traveled for work so that was handy. He wouldn't move out so he agreed to at least be civil while I moved out my stuff. The non-civil communication started once I was out and on my own and had actually filed the divorce paperwork.
With that said, I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone. I was packing up stuff right in front of his face and he was NOT nice to me. There was a lot of anger and passive aggressiveness and hostility brewing at every turn. I was a basket of nerves for those few weeks. I didn't take that much furniture from our old house. I shopped on local FB pages and Craigslist for used furniture and I have to say I love my second hand furnished home today.
Sending you lots of love and support today. I know how hard this is.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I too would bring a friend or two with you to do this. Carry your cell phone on you and if he does anything violent or abusive call 911. You do not have to deal with this. Take care.
This counselor seems to have an awful lot of power in your life. Does this person have experience of alcoholism or even addiction? What do they truly know about living with alcoholism? Sorry, but I would be asking serious questions. Even in alanon we dont suggest leaving or staying. Its about you getting your sanity back and then making your own decisions. Leaving children in the hands of an active drinker at the advice of this person sounds dodgy to me. I suggest getting yourself very quickly to alanon face to face meetings, start your recovery process. There was no better thing I did for my family.x
I agree you can have a friend there AND you can call the local police if they have someone who is in the area and aware of what is going on they can also supervise the exit. Do not let him buffalo you. As far as the counselor no one can tell you what to do even us here .. it sounds like things are escalating and it is a good idea for everyone involved to take a timeout. If things get really bad you can get a court order to remove your things .. that is time and I am pretty sure it should not cost anything and something you can do yourself. This would force the issue of having an officer present .. they can't stick around for the day so know what you are getting and it is ALL business let him be the one to show his butt. DO have at least 3 - 4 friends with you it will help things move in a positive way and you can get as much cleared out as possible. I would also have a place for the kids to go if need be .. friends house so they don't have to witness anything. I was really lucky I threw things in a suitcase and just said GO .. he did. As he would come and get the kids I kept removing things .. lol .. I'm bad that way though it was a lot less painful for everyone involved and my X kept telling the kids it was temporary and I was to the point of no it's not.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
LC You make a great point .
Oceanpine as I understand it, the recommendation is that you are only moving out on a temporary basis--Until you take care of your" nervous system".
So what is the plan to return and how will the children take care of their nervous systems in the process?
My AH wouldn't leave either. If at all possible arrange for the kids to be somewhere else. I had mine at daycare and had help come that day, though mine hasn't been aggressive towards me. I took the kids furniture and beds but left a lot of the other furniture as it had too many bad memories and my rental is smaller. It's been a fresh start in many ways. While we do t agree on custody/visitation the relief and peace of not living with an active AH is priceless, I didn't realize how much it was affecting me until I could step away from it. Sending prayers and hugs!
Another thing that helped was making a list of what I wanted or needed from our house, once I was in the moment it was easy to forget.
I have no experience in this type of situation, but did want to offer you positive thoughts and prayers.
I hope you find the means to make this as peaceful as possible for you and your children.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
