The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's One Day at a Time in Al-Anon carried great weight for me, reminding me of the impact that our expectations can have in our own lives and in those around us.
The reading reminds us that when feeling frustration toward others, we often miss a common culprit: our own high or specific expectations of how they should behave. Do we feel we have the right to be frustrated or upset when their behavior does not match what we wanted/expected? Certainly when they knew what we wanted/expected?
Lurking behind our expectations may be the sense that we know best how another should behave or the decisions they should make. The reality is that we don't (C2C p. 79). We are promised that our efforts to obtain peace of mind are rewarded more generously when we change our expecting into accepting. Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation, but rather accepting the facts of the situation as they are, and then deciding what we will do (ODAT p.86).
Today's Reminder I will not interfere in the life of others by expecting them to behave as I have determined they should based upon my experience and wishes. Though subtle, this conduct is still damaging to the peace of mind and dignity of myself and those upon whom I am holding expectations.
"I, too, often fail to live up to the expectations of others."
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This is an area that I have worked very hard on, yet when I read this page this morning and meditated on it, an example came into mind where my expectations in a key relationship are unreasonable, unwarranted, and unhelpful. Not surprisingly, it has also caused frustration on both sides.
One of the things I love about reading daily is that it often leads me to a fresh perspective on an existing situation, including those I may already have worked on . There is always room for improvement, as there is always room for more serenity in my life. Thank you AlAnon...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Great ESH and this is a great daily for me. Before the program, I often felt as if others were constantly letting me down and not pulling their weight or giving to me as I give to them....
Boy howdy - I had a rude awakening when I did my inventory work, and realized that my 'giving' was actually controlling behavior, and my motive was often manipulative in nature. I honestly did not go into situations with the malicious intent to manipulate/control, but I was doing so by habit and by nature - as a direct result of this disease.
I have truly come to understand that if I manage my expectations in my daily life, I am often rewarded pleasantly. I also have come to realize that for me, I am gaining more self-assurance by doing what I need to do when I need to do it and not expecting others to help me or do for me (car maintenance, car washing, weed pulling, trash take-out).
I've had to learn to do for others what I can as a motive-less, expectation-free event - service because it is right/next best thing to do. If I have a hint of, "Maybe if I do this, then...." - I truly have to stop and rethink / prayer about it.
I was talking with my sponsor this AM, and told her that I was restless, irritable and discontent. We discussed why this could be, and it's been one of those days - woke up @ 3am, could not go back to sleep, turned on TV, had no service, grabbed computer - had no internet, dog was tugging more than usual on our walk, etc. So - I felt as if all that I touched went way different than normal.....also an expectation.
She reminded me that I had played too many softball games in the heat all weekend long, was sore and physically tired. So, we discussed HALT, Expectations, Starting my Day Over, etc.
LOVE this program and love the support I get when I do what's suggested - readings, literature, slogans, sponsor, steps, etc.
Thanks Paul - lovely thread!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Paul for taking the time to post on this topic. Losing those pesky
expectations and detaching were two of the most important things I have
learned in al-anon.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
