The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well firstly, I had my first "advanced driving" class today. It was fun! I think this is going to be some of the best money I have ever spent.
Yay!
In other news, Daughter is starting Japanese classes which is a) fantastic and b) going to start a war with her father.
See, daughter's school doesn't offer Japanese, and daughter is determined that she will live and work in Japan and wants to do Japanese in VCE (Our senior high school program). Sure, she might change her mind but she's been on the same track for ages now and since she's quite academically minded, I want to do what I can to make it happen.
So today I called and spoke with the careers person at her school who informed me that for an extra fee she can attend Japanese classes at the school, on a Saturday morning. These classes are run for all local schools that do not offer Japanese as a part of the curriculum which means there will be BOYS there (I haven't told her that part yet; she'll probably become airborne with joy and need to be tethered to something). Anyway since it's what she really wants to do, it's a good thing, right? When she reaches VCE she will then be able to do Japanese for full credit instead of it being extra-curricular. But she'll need to start now and put in a lot of effort as she has missed 6 months already AND as she is in the accelerated learning program, she only does 3 years of junior/middle high instead of 4 before starting her VCE. So that's an awful lot of Japanese she's going to have to learn.
Anyway all of that is very positive. What isn't so positive is her father and his likely reaction. Daughter goes there every second weekend, and stays Friday and Saturday nights. Now if he has her for between 60-120 nights per year he is considered to be providing 25% of her care and thus receives a 25% reduction to his child support. (ludicrous but true). He therefore makes sure to scrape in above 60 nights to get his discount. What isn't ever mentioned is that he's actually supposed to PARENT her in order to be receiving this discount and that includes "taking her to her normal activities". Which he has never, ever been willing to do, even when we all lived near each other. Legally he would be expected to take her to this class if she was at his house when it occurred and of course there is no way he will do that, so the option he is left with is to have her only for the Saturday night. No more 60 nights. And given his refusal to contribute to any of her costs I'm going to have his assessment adjusted accordingly. I'm tired of rolling over for that jerk.
Now I didn't envision this when I called about her learning Japanese; I had no idea Saturday classes would be offered. And when I first found out my immediate reaction was fear of his retaliation and I actually started talking daughter out of doing them. And then I realised how weak I sounded and had to give myself a good long talking to. I can't adjust any more of our lives just to avoid confrontation with him.
So I guess this is going to get interesting and I'm going to need a big bag of tools to get me through it. And possibly some extra spine! I wonder if i can order that on ebay?
Still, writing this, I realise, I am projecting, and my HP will get us safely to where we need to be.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Sooooo excited for your daughter we are working on Japanese both of the kids have expressed interest in it. Just remember you are taking a stand and it is about showing your daughter how to chase her dreams :)
Big hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
That's super cool that she's got a dream and passion to support it. I believe in supporting dreams when the effort aligns well - so YaY for her and you that this is something she has a strong interest in and is willing to do the work!!!
As far as your X, the best tool when I believe there may be a pending drama-fest is to act as if I am communicating with a normal person who handles things well including that which is constant - CHANGE!!
So, I tend to write up an email with facts, no emotions, no projections, etc. - the basic facts about that which is important - your daughter's course schedule. As best I can tell, I don't think you need to tell him that you're going to submit a request for change in the support - a normal person would expect that based in the change. He of course has the option to keep her as scheduled and deliver her to her courses or accept the one night instead of two.
All facts and only about the courses.
What get's me in trouble is changing how I am, act, share, etc. because of the 'audience'. Where the act as if has been so helpful is I can use it to share in a factual calm way and hope for a mature adult supportive response. My hope may be pointless, but I always hold onto hope....
I have been working hard on owning my side of the street only. I no longer over-communicate so they understand what I really mean when they aren't listening. I also no longer tell, then remind, then tell and remind again. I have spent too much of my life managing other's responsibilities and choose to not do so any longer.
You and daughter are just PERFECT! Thank goodness we learn her that we're only responsible for our actoins, reactions, etc. (((Hugs))) to you - way to go to get her in Japanese - super, super cool...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great News Ms.M I an happay for you both HP certainly does work in mysterious ways . Remember that prayers for courage and wisdom never go unanswered . In my prayers always .
