The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Maintaining contact with my alcoholic friend is an ongoing dilemma. While I am glad she contacted me and told me she loves me etc I'm still uncertain of how to proceed with keeping in contact. She is still drinking. At the moment I'm more leaving it to her to call me. I send supportive texts and always put that she is free to contact me. She doesn't call but I don't take it personally. This is more about my own self preservation than not caring for or about her. If I were to try and call her every day I believe this would cause me undue stress. If she answers I accept I will have to hear how bad things are, if she doesn't answer I become worried. I constantly feel like I could be doing more. I'm 15 months in to sobriety myself and this has to come first. Part of me feels I should do more but from past experience I could spend hours on the phone having what I would consider a good conversation but could phone her the next day and hear more stories of pain and degradation. Texting, which in many senses I deplore seems as good a way as any to remain in contact. I'm keeping myself as well as I can, preparing to move and to begin work again and this as well as my own continued sobriety and F2F AA and Al-Anon meetings have to take precedent. If I don't take care of these things with due gravity what good am I to myself, to her or anyone else? I'm refraining from asking for advice as that's not really the purpose of this forum but rather to sound out what I'm doing and why in doing it. I've ordered the book 'Getting Them Sober' which I saw recommended here so hopefully that will offer some insights. Thanks for listening! Paul.
Personally I find texting a perfect way to not stay emotionally involved because it's easy to project my own feelings and thoughts while the other party doesn't have to own responsibility for what is said. Now again this is my experience with my XAH it's how he chooses to deal with the kids.
I would continue to encourage you to keep the focus on you and your own recovery .. if things are going to workout they are going to workout.
Getting Them Sober to me is the best Alanon black belt information as far as what is and what is not .. is has absolutely nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with my own recovery. I'm so glad you will be reading it, it's information packed!!
I still believed even now I catch myself if I say the right thing .. if I do the right thing .. my XAH will somehow see what he has done as wrong and do the next right thing. LOL .. that is my own distorted thinking.
Checking my motives is a huge step forward in why I do what I do .. I am probably looking for my X to apologize for past and that's just not going to happen.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You say "I constantly feel like I could be doing more." The first step of Al-Anon is that (similar to AA) we are powerless over alcohol - only here it's her intake rather than your own. It is so tempting to think that if only we did X, Y or Z we could affect the disease and stop the other person's insanity. But if there were away, the millions of people who have loved alcoholics would have found it.
I think the real reason we try so hard is that we find it hard to stand the emotions we feel when we watch someone devastating their life with alcohol. That is what loving detachment is all about - letting go and letting God.
I remember that Miss Meliss asked a while back what you like to do, what are your hopes for your own future, the things that you find rewarding. Any thoughts on those? Because you deserve those things.
Thanks guys for your responses and I identify totally with wanting an apology but getting none. I'm dealing with things as well as I can. In regards her it's applying the 'Just for Today' mantra.
In regards myself - I spent four months in a psychiatric hospital, seven and a half months in residential rehab and nine months in a dry house. In the next month I move out of the dry house and back to my home town to my own apartment. I worked in the psychiatric field before this and I'm returning to work in October. These are the miriciles of my own recovery. They require though constant work. This is why I need more than ever to focus on myself rather than her at this juncture.
I'll keep sending supportive and compassionate texts every few days and hope she gets out of this. In the meantime I'll keep focussing on the stuff I need to focus on......
It took me a long while to appreciate technology with my recovery. As part of my recovery and my need to let go, I've learned to love voicemail and texting. I get to decide if I take the call, if I let it go to voicemail, if I answer a text and when I do any/all of this. I also now shut my phone/ringer off @ 10:30pm. It took me a long while to realize that trying to be all to everyone made me of no value to anyone.....I was stretched too thin and just not taking good care of me, my wants/needs.
I let mine find me when they are active. I do a ton of praying and working on me to find peace. While I love them dearly, I do trust my HP to lead them where he wants them. It's hard but is also rewarding in it's own way. They have to fall, make their own mistakes and find their own way - whether I like it or not.
(((Hugs))) to you - keep the focus on you and you'll do just fine!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere and Debbie
Yes, technology is a mixed chalice but useful if used in the right way. I've done things like block news feeds on my friends Facebook and notifications of texts. I'm still not quite at the point of not contacting but where as before a day with no contact was like a year I can go significantly further now. Texts at the moment seem best as my responses can be more considered but these are no more than a few a week and never reactions.
As I said, I think I'm handling it as well as I can. In many regards it's deepened my own understanding of my own alcoholism. This understanding strengthened me and if I am strengthened I can be a better person. I'd rather not have to be strengthened in such a way so I can't in all honesty claim to be grateful for it but it's making the best of a difficult situation......!
