The material presented
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This is probably going to be all over the place, but...I mentioned in previous posts my AH has been in the throes of his addiction for 2+ years (abusing alcohol longer than that but out of control for at least 2 years.) He has been able to obtain good jobs but has trouble keeping them, not because they've found out about his drinking, but because of his bad attitude. He tends to get into this state of mind where he feels superior to everything/everyone and starts to become convinced he's "too good" for these jobs and so he just kind of...stops trying. Does the bare minimum. Obviously this attitude doesn't go unnoticed...he was straight up fired from one job and was given a bad review and a chance to improve at the second job. He ended up quitting that job to go back to school for his master's degree...and then complained the whole 2 years that he was too good for the program he got into. He graduated in May and hasn't been too proactive about finding a job, mainly, from my perception, because he hasn't found any that he feels would be of interest to him. Fortunately for him, he was offered a full-time position with the school he graduated from beginning in the fall. It's not his ideal role, but it's full-time, decent salary, with benefits. If he can't find something else, he says he'll be taking it.
I have been working in the same job for 6.5 years now and have recently started my own business in a totally different field. That business has led to a completely new interest/passion for me, and I have the opportunity to go back to school and get a degree in this field, and take a part-time job (that I really, really want!) in the field at the same time. But the part-time salary (no benefits) wouldn't be enough to sustain us both.
So here's my dilemma. If AH takes this job he's been offered, and more importantly KEEPS it, we will be fine financially for me to go back to school and work part-time. But if he loses the job...we're screwed.
I do not know how to trust that he will put forth a good effort and attitude in order to hold down this job. I don't even know IF I should trust him to do that. But when I think about having to stay in this same job where I'm totally burnt out AND having to say no to what I believe would be great opportunities for me I get so angry and resentful. This is my future we're talking about. I am angry that I can't trust him and that I even have to take these things into consideration. I supported him through school and I wish it could just be a given he would support me. I know he WANTS to, I just don't know if he can or will. Then I start thinking about all the things I feel like I've already given up (I know, seeing myself as a martyr, stinkin' thinkin'!) and I get more angry. But I am just so scared about taking a "leap of faith" only to turn out the worse for wear.
Not sure what I am looking for here...just to vent perhaps.
ETA: AH has only been sober again for one week after a relapse so of course the pain/memory of that is also fresh and raw and the potential for it to happen again is very real.
Not sure that I have much to offer here other than to be empathetic and say that of all the consequences of my AW's disease that I have the most difficulty letting go of, it's financial consequences that have led to sacrifices I an/or we have had to make. Periods of unemployment, addictive spending, and then legal fees and fines have driven us into bankruptcy. We are fending off a house foreclosure, we are unable to afford to contribute to our own retirement savings, or save for our kids' education. We haven't put a dime into our house for years, and have had one real vacation that I spent months regretting after it was over because I felt like we should have used the money for something else. The reality of marriage is that its more than an emotional partnership ... its a financial one too, and I have found no way to detach from the financial consequences of the disease. About the best I can do today is to remind myself that what is done is done, and I can't change it, nor can she ... and to lovingly set boundries around behaviors that impact our ability to meet our financial needs and goals going forward, and being prepared to act if the boundry is crossed. I hope you can find a way to chase your dream and mitigate the impact of bad choices by your AH should he make them, to your pursuit of that dream.
You've spelled out clearly your opportunity and your fears. What I have learned in this program is when faced with a tough/frightening decision, I need to:
- Write about it - pros/cons/fears/etc.
- Talk about it - sponsor/program friends.
- Plan around it - Plan B, Plan C.
- Pray about it (answers will come when we ask)
It stinks to feel like the only 'responsible adult' in a relationship - BTDT - Been There & Done That. I had to walk from my career to manage the chaos of my children's illnesses. My AH would not and could not interact with the professionals, lawyers, counselors, MH professionals, judges, DAs, etc. and it was an almost full time job for a while. My AH did do his part, and kept his job...
We survived! Just 3 days ago though, he informed me he has put in for early retirement. So - in 28 days, me and my boys will no longer have medical insurance.....I'm in the reaction mode because of his choice. It's better than before as I am calmer and able to process better with this program.
So - like all we learn in this program, process as best you can with help from any/all resources, and then do what is best for you! Good Luck with your decisions and congrats. on the 'new interest'.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Realitysucker I really feel for you. It's so unfair that you are unable to chase your dreams. It sounds like we are all in a similar boat here. My AH is in recovery (recent). He has not had a drink since June 4 and is actively working the AA program. However, he has not attempted to get a steady job. He finds these sporadic side jobs where he makes a couple hundred dollars here and there. With two children to support in New Jersey--one of the most expensive states to live in-- I just find this unacceptable.
Our house has been on the market since April. I managed to keep it sparkling clean for the many showings all while working 7 days a week. I kept telling him I'm gonna blow soon, I can't keep up this pace. Sure enough when he went to rehab I lost it and took a medical leave from my full time job and quit the part time job. In doing so I lost about $1800 a month in pay. So we finally found a buyer for the house but we are not walking away with a heck of a lot. Only $12k if we're lucky.
I have so much credit card debt it's not funny. And that is from living off them--groceries, clothing, gas, dental and medical co-pays, etc. So Dave, I can certainly relate to the bankruptcy thing. I am this close to filing and I am very resentful of that. I worked at the same place for 25 years. We can't have savings accounts or college savings for our children either. Vacations are unheard of. I'm lucky if I have enough gas to take the kids to the beach for a day trip. My 16 year old son even said to me why did you have kids if you couldn't afford them?! He's very smart. I'm wondering what all this is doing to them. But I'm trying my best.
So I really don't know that I have any advice about this. But as Debb said we can't change them. We can't make them get a job or keep a job. So it's up to us to make ends meet. We can only count on ourselves. So I guess what I'm saying realitysucker is that you would be taking a risk going with the part time work. And that's a shame because we only live once. I do like Iamhere's advice to write, talk, plan and pray. Is there a plan b or c you could come up with in case his full time job doesn't last? Is there a chance for you to go full time at this place after so long?
Dave - Thanks for your story and perspective. I hope you are able to move forward with your boundaries in place and get things back on track financially!
Debbie - I think part of what is so hard for me is that I *know* I can't change him...so I *know* that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him keep a job if he doesn't want to, or can't, put the effort in. It's knowing that which makes me so hesitant to leave my stable job for the career I really want...if that makes sense...It's like I understand I can't change him, so I need to just accept that I have to change accordingly?
Mandy - Thank you for your insight! I like the idea of writing everything down and will do that when I get a moment in the next day or two. It's really my Thursday or Friday that I need to make a decision about the job so I need to do this soon. I also need to come up with a Plan B and C! Maybe I could figure out a way to make it work even if he doesn't keep the job...I am working on the praying aspect...for so long I have not believed in a HP so this is still hard for me...I am sorry about the loss of health insurance for you and your kids. I hope you can figure out a way to find an affordable alternative!
Rosanne - I am so sorry that you have had to go through such financial struggles. It is so stressful! I just can't accept that it is only up to me to make ends meet. He is part of the household and therefore needs to contribute in some way in order to remain so. That's my perspective so it's hard to just let go of it. You know what I mean? I am going to try and come up with a Plan B. I don't know if there's a chance for the part-time job becoming full-time. There is "room for growth," they say. BUT going back to school would lead to a very steady full-time career so it goes hand in hand.
