The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The man I have loved for two years has over 15 years of sobriety. He called off the relationship 3 times in the first year. After a solid year, he's done so again. Each time has been for seemingly small issues. He comes back but I'm not sure if this is something that common with alcoholism or is it just not going to work. He's a loving and wonderful man, yet he seems to disappear at these times and someone else stands before me. is Alanon something that can help me understand? Does anyone understand?
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you are here!
I can't say if Al-Anon is for you or not, but I do believe that it will help you. Each Alcoholic is different and recovery is a personal experience. So - recovery for Al-Anon members is also a personal journey. I would say you qualify as you are affected by alcohol even if your qualifier is sober.
Stick around, do some reading, ask some questions and see how you feel about this board and the program. We welcome you with open arms and hope you stick around!
You aren't alone and we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much for your reply. I was fortunate to be able to attend the International AA Conference in Atlanta in July. My man suggested that I reach out to Al-Anon as he knows that he will always be an alcoholic, even sober. He said that I should attend a meeting for my own benefit. I didn't understand why but I'm very grateful to not feel so alone at the moment.
Oh - great that you were at the International! I am a double winner (belong to both sides) and was planning to go and had to bail on my plans.
If he suggests it, by all means consider it. Not for him, but for you. This disease is ever-present and affects so many aspects of life it's hard to understand how you may be affected without hearing more Experience, Strength & Hope (ESH) from others who love or live with an Alcoholic.
Give it a try - you have nothing to loose and everything to gain! Al-Anon has helped me find me path that moves forward no matter what my qualifier(s) are doing.
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Im glad you reached out and shared. Alcoholism is a threefold disease that affects the drinker, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Once the drinking stops, the emotional and spiritual nature of the disease is still active. By working the AA program diligently change can address these behaviors, but it is a long process. We who live with the disease also develop negative coping tools that require a program of recovery for ourselves. Al-Anon is that program. Face-to-face meetings helped me to learn how to stop reacting and to respond in a constructive manner, focus on myself and live one day at a time. These were true gifts of the program and I am very grateful. I do believe you could benefit from the program.It is recommended you try six different meetings before making a decision, and keep coming back here there is hope
Aloha Lost and Scared and welcome to the board and MIP family. You man has long term sobriety and if it is truly sobriety he has learned a bunch of stuff about a lot of things one of them being honesty and courage...you might want to tap on those two if he has them by sitting with him and asking him in a non-threatening manner to be honest about why he wants to leave the relationship. Ask him if he has concerns about you and your behavior and character and be honest. If he is able to do that the best you can do is listen open mindedly to the points he makes so that later on you can inventory and investigate his concerns. Most all of our literature in program is helpful about helping us know ourselves as others get to know us and then to do the next right thing about it if we are honest and compassionate ourselves. He might be seeing or experiencing things within the relationship that frighten him and threaten his faith that it will work out. All you can do is ask. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
By the way this is not an invitation to accept blame.
You will definitely benefit. I went and just listened,
Learned and absorbed the wisdom. I still love to just
Listen when people speak from the heart.
My xah Has been dry for 3o years the disease is still there
And i became very negatively effected. When i reached the
Rooms of alanon i was on rock bottom.
The program is about you and your healing and growing
No matter what the alcoholic does. We can only change
us not them.
Mirandac, your post has inspired me. There have been times that I've thought he should be better by now and have trouble believing that his sickness is still present. Yet at those times he's clearly not the same person. I know that I need to heal and pray that it also helps me better accept and understand his disease.
I think I can understand what you are going through although every situation is different it sounds similar to what I have been experiencing with the A that I love and have been seeing for over 1 1/2 yrs now. He has had 30 yrs of sobriety and has ptsd so many things factor into his behavior. But like how you have described your situation we have had some discussions where he would say it was over at least 4 times. And he would behave like a completely different person and say things that didn't even make sense. He may not say it was over in exactly those words but he can not handle any kind of conflicting discussions we have so it would escalate not into an argument but to him it was too much for his emotions to handle. So I would have to wait several days before I would go back to see him and see if he felt any different. It was very stressful.
The way he explained it to me was that his sobriety has to come first and all of these emotions become too much for him. He really didn't love me any less but couldn't handle the confusion of the discussions. He is 16 yrs older than me so at his age he worries a lot that any number of things could lead him back to drinking. He went to AA for 10 years but I believe he needs to go back because to me he seems to live in fear.
Anyway, I know your situation is different. But I just know that a relationship must be hard for an alcoholic. Right now we have taken a semi-break and only see each other Saturday night and don't talk during the week. I am not sure we are going to keep doing this. I am going to try going over to his place sometime during this week. But he has seemed more happy when I have been over there since we have been apart some so I think it was a good idea. Maybe that is something you two should talk about. To limit your time together for a little while to give each other some space.
Glad you are here. I started local Al-Anon meetings about 2 months ago and they and this forum have helped me so much.
Catlover26, my A is still very active in the program and I accept that his sobriety must be first and foremost in his life. I asked God to send me just one person who might understand and He did so in you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. May God bless you as He has me with your story. I know that your situation - and mine - work out the way He wants it to. I hope that we both find peace in His decision.
Fear of intimacy, commitment, and communication problems can exist with alcoholism and without it. It can lead a person to drink because those problems cause stress and the person may drink more because of that or because they have problems relating to others and alcohol makes them feel better.
These types of problems are more common in men also. Stonewalling is the most common criticism of women about men in relationships. Alcohol or not, women are generally most unhappy with men for being emotionally non-responsive. Meanwhile, men perceive relationship problems most commonly in the form of the woman "nagging" too much or demanding they change.
So...my point is, some of what you are seeing may be residue from alcoholism. Some of it may be the things that would actually predispose a person to alcoholism. But what I honestly believe a lot of you are seeing with your male partners, especially the ones who have been sober or in AA a long time, is simply a common male response to emotionally challenging relationship issue. In fact, it's THE most common male response that women typically have problems with. Regardless of which it is, alanon can help. It can help a woman be more secure and less dependent on the man to change in order for her to feel happy (and it can to that for a man)...It could help a man be more expressive and compassionate as well. So the beauty is, alanon can help with these issues whether or not it's due to alcoholism, gender disparities, and simple "we don't get along any more" for whatever reason. It helps us deal with life on life's terms and it increases self-awareness and self-care while offering us social support, spiritual grounding...etc. It's a win win.
I live in a relatively small town. I just looked up the Al-Anon schedule and there's a meeting 1/2 hour after the AA meeting that he attends tonight. I feel that I really need to attend a meeting as soon as possible, yet I'm concerned that if I show up and he sees me, he may feel that I'm crowding in on him (we haven't spoken since the most recent breakup). Other meetings near me are during the day while I'm working. Should I respect his established meeting times and just wait for another opportunity? Geez, I'm sounding very needy.
