The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have posted my "story" short as it may be for now being this is relatively "new" for me. What I am reading a lot about is misery, sadness and years and years of partners, spouses, etc dealing with addictions and multiple relapses. I want to know if there are any happy endings? Success stories? Anyone see this through with their significant other and have a happy ending? Still married. No relapses. Happy again? Maybe I am fooling myself that we can get past this? Thanks for your input.
IL
Hello Italylover and welcome. Success is defined in many different ways here, some define it as being able to stay with their A, others, like me, define success as being able to remove myself from the toxic environment, clean up said life and walk confidently into the future. After two years on the alcoholic roller coaster, I found Al-Anon and knew that things had to change. I changed my perspective and reactions while he was waiting for me to get over it and resume business as usual. I would have loved for him to join me in life that embraces recovery, serenity, detachment - but he chose his own path. I was miserable when I came aboard, heartbroken that the dream was a nightmare and broken-hearted to lose my love, but I consider mine a success story
On this board you will hear from some like me, but there are some who have successfully found serenity while remaining with their A.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hello Italy loveer Al-Anon is a program that is designed to help families of alcoholics recover from the devastating effects of this disease. We consider ourselves successes,if we do not fly off the handle kill somebody:), but continue to show up and practice new tools to live by and learn how to face life on life's terms with courage serenity and wisdom.
Al-Anon also helped me to let go of all my anger and resentment at the disease and replace it with compassion, empathy and love. I guess I will call that a success.
My husband, however, was the alcoholic and just need at least 10 detoxs and rehabs before he finally stopped drinking. Those were terrible years more so because I had not found a Al-Anon. I walked into Al-Anon desperate with no place else to go, and I found the support and understanding that I needed for so long. He remained sober six years before he died of cancer and that was was his success. I was able to live life without the anger, resentment of this disease and that is my success.
Keep coming back there is some
Thanks "Like"... I guess I was looking more for success as meaning remaining with an A and "living happily ever after". I think it is what I am so desparately seeking in the current state of my journey. I will consider successes such as yours as an option as I move forward. I currently see that a broken marriage as a "failure". I want my AH to recover and not relapse with every part of my being right now. There are those that have moved past addiction and moved forward with life together, right?
IL
I think most people come in thinking that way if their spouse is their qualifier. It takes some time in the program develping tools amd working the steps to not have your "success" dependant on the alcoholic. You are very much not alone in coming into alanon with this mentality. It is common to arrive at alanon desperate to save a relationship and then find out slowly that you were the one that needed to be saved and that "success" has nothing to do with whether they sober up or not or if you stay in the relationship or not. Alanon is about you...
PS...I have not drank since my first AA meeting, but I left my alcoholic partner at the time...as that person was also an alcoholic that had no interest in sobering up. I didn't get sober to save a relationship. I did it to save my life and my sanity. It was much better for me to not have anpther person's entire happiness contingent upon my sobriety. That would have taken away some of my internal motivation.
Welcome Italy, and thanks for posting! I certainly know where you are coming from ... I was there not so long ago. Here is my perspective being married to an AW who is in recovery ...
If you had told me 9 months ago that my wife and I would still be married today, and that there were no papers filed to change that, I would have told you that you were crazy. I came to AlAnon, like most, angrry, resentful, spiritually bankrupt, and desperate to rid my life of the chaos and havoc that Alcoholism had inflicted on our family. Since I walked into the doors of AlAnon, my AW has been through 2 months of inpatient treatment, been convicted of a felony, lost her ability to drive for years, and done jail time. I have been demoted at work, lost contact with many of my 'friends' who walked away from us when my AW was arrested, and been the sole provider for our daughter for most of the last 9 months. We also have had to file bankruptcy, and just for good measure, lost my mother in the midst of all of this. Despite all that chaos, the last 6-8 months have brought me more serenity than the previous 5 years combined. I had this serenity while my wife was in treatment and then in jail (essentially out of my life) and have had it since she returned home as well. I am certain that this has occurred because I started working my own recovery by attending AlAnon 4 times a week, getting a sponsor, began working the steps, reading AlAnon literature and reconnected with my higher power.
I used to measure success by if the outcome of events or happenings in my life turned out how I wanted them to. It's no wonder I was angry, resentful and spiritually bankrupt. I was walking around with a deep sense of entitlement, and when I was denied what I believed I was entitled to (which was most of the time), I became a victim ... of my AW, my boss, my kids, my son's mom, my AW's ex-husband, the government, and worst of all, my HP (whom I choose to call God). I am learning, through my work in AlAnon, to measure my success differently. Each day I take an inventory of all the things I have to be grateful for that day. I accept that I am NOT God, and therefore, am not capable of making everything turn out the way I want to ... and instead, focus only that what I can truly change, and let God take care of the rest. Sometimes things turn out in a way that pleases me, sometimes they don't, and in most cases, I am able to see God's will in those things that didn't happen the way i would have preferred, and can find things to be grateful for in that.
So, to bring it around to my situation with my AW ...
I stay out of her recovery and she stays out of mine.
We are both learning to set healthy boundries and stand by them
We are learning how to communicate with each other in a healthy way ... by saying what we mean, meaning what we say, and not saying it mean
I am not dependent on her sobriety for my happiness, and she is not dependent on my emotional sobriety for hers.
We are setting goals for our family together, and working as a team to prioritize and work towards them, while accepting that we are all doing the very best we can.
We have a long way to go, and some days are better than others. I have no idea if we will still be married to each other tomorrow, or a week from now or a decade from now. I'm taking it a day at time, and not focusing on something that may or may not happen in the future to dictate how I feel today. I measure my success one day at time. Today we are married, and speaking at least for me, have peace and serenity in life, and so does our daughter. So, for today, I can say I have a successful marriage. Happily ever after is a measure I don't think of anymore. To me, that's a promise that no one can realistically make.
I have been married for 50 yrs to an alcoholic , 25 of them sober .. I am not sorry I stayed in my marriage , I would have missed so much, recovery on both our parts has given me what I wanted out of life . Marriage was not always a struggle , he drank but as we know now this is progressive and it only gets worse, luckily for me I found this program and learned that i was not responsible for his drinking , having tried it all I finally left his life to him while i got mine back on track . i learned how to make myself happy regardless of what he was doing , I was able to repair my relationship with my sons thanks to Al-Anon members who shared what they had done to bring trust back into thier families . We keep the focus on our part in relationships , I was shocked to learn that I too had a part in the mess we had created. When I joined this program I knew nothing about alcoholism , I had no idea about the struggle my husb was having with this disease , he could not stop. We separated after he was sober for 9 months , he had no program , no support and he was just hanging on by a thread , he started drinking again within hrs of leaving our home . he drank for 6 months almost dying from this disease, when he decided to stop again he agreed to try AA and the rest is history . Sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems as we soon found out , but we both had support in our groups , I felt if we were both going in the same direction , wanting the same things we had a chance ..again 25 yrs later I am not sorry I stayed . For me the answer was , all I had to do was get out of his road and let life unfold the way it was supposed to . If you have our ODAT try page on July 14th , that page and our detachment pamphlet changed my life . Louise
I can really relate to what Dave said. Happily ever after is something no human being can promise. I too am married to an AH in recovery. Don't know how long we will stay married. No one does. But I'm living day to day and not relying on him for my happiness anymore. This program helped me so much. I don't know what I would do without it.
You all are so fantastic with your input. I am so lost in anger, shock and being this is "new" feel so consumed by recovery. His recovery is currently so time consuming that I have had to lean on online here right now. I am not even sure of what role I play. I am first looking to forgive myself for feeling fooled for so long. Then move forward to trying to forgive him. Sometimes I read and read all the stories on here and I feel I have such a long road ahead of me. Yet want to hope that this eventually stops being the "elephant in the room". It is consuming my life right now.
My sponsor shared something with me early on that really resonated with me. He shared with me that his AW's recovery started to gain traction the day he quit worrying about it, monitoring it, quizzing her on it, etc. And then his did as well. He shared that his AW told him that once he got out of it, and stopped trying to manage it, monitor it, etc, it left the recovery completely upon her. She could no longer blame him if she struggled. She had to own it. For him, once he stopped focusing on her recovery, he was left with the time and energy to focus on his own. I have tried to approach it that way as well, and it's an approach that's working for me and my AW. I know how hard it is, especially in very early recovery, to live in constant fear of relapse(s). If you don't have a sponsor yet, I would strongly encourage you to get one. If they are working a good recovery program, they likely will be able to help you work through the fear and worry using the tools of AlAnon. You and your husband are in my prayers!
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you joined in!
Sorry that you're at crisis point. Feel free to share more if desired, perhaps some ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) might provide some peace for you and your boys!
Again, glad you're here - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi and welcome to MIP. I know a few people who have stayed with their spouses, each working their program and making a nice life. However, while there are similarities that bring people to Alanon, every situation is different- Alanon supports your path forward however it is best for you. I have learned that when my nerves are raw is not the time I do my best thinking. This program continuously shows me how to keep the focus on myself- and I've found this useful to apply in all situations. I have found that the most efficient way to work the steps is with a sponsor and to reach out to other members to check in regarding perspectives and support in between. Keep coming back- this program is works and you're worth it!
