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Hi, I'm new here. I feel a little strange asking people I don't know for support around this, but I think people here probably understand what I'm going through more than anyone else. In mid-June I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of two and a half years due to his drinking (he had stopped for three weeks just prior to me breaking up with him, when he started again I just couldn't continue the relationship as it was harming my daughters). I know it's for the best, the relationship was great in the beginning, but has been really toxic for the past 9 months at the least. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive to me and has started to be verbally abusive to my oldest daughter (she's 13).
The first couple weeks after the break up we were still in contact and although we were broken up we were getting along. Then on July 4th we got into a fight through text. It was a fight like so many past fights that blow over in a day or two. He was clearly drinking and said some hurtful things. I called him out on his drinking and the way he treats people when he drinks. That was that. I have not heard a word from him since. Two weeks into it my older daughter told me she missed him. I told her if she misses him she can contact him (I had told him not to contact my kids after the fight on the 4th). She did (she has her own phone) and since that time they've texted a few times, he called once (and said he would call another time and didn't), and sent both girls gift cards to Target.
After three weeks I sent him an email explaining to him my feelings for him, that I love him but can't abide his drinking, that if he ever wanted to stop I wold be here for him, explaining to him why I initially told him not to contact my kids. I didn't need or really expect a reply from my email. I am shocked and hurt that he hasn't reached out to me at all these past four weeks. Just nothing, like I don't even exist. I've been so loyal to him and stuck by him through so much. I don't understand how he can just walk away like I'm nothing and like what we shared was nothing.
As I type this I feel like I sound like such a sniveling, whiny baby, but I feel utterly abandoned and I don't understand. I also don't understand why I am the one who is upset now. I should be happy to be out of this relationship, but I am so heartbroken and confused. Confused why that last texting fight which was so mundane would cause this. We've been through so much worse. I don't want the romantic relationship to continue, but I feel like I lost my best friend. I really need support to get through this. As sick as it sounds I feel like I would rather he was texting me horrible things than to have this. I know I am addicted to him and addicted to the make up aspect of our relationship that happens after a big fight. I just feel so cast aside now.
Mary, breathe deep... Your are fine. I see you are struggling with a difficult process which is that your mind knows one thing and your heart feels another. You don't know what is in his head or what his motives are for everything he does. He is an emotionally stunted alcoholic so don't just assume he was "walking away like you never existed." For him, the back and forth may be more than he can handle and that is what he needs to do. It may also be that his alcoholism has him so he doesn't want to hear any more talk or criticisms about his drinking right now. Perhaps the drinking is what is making him not hurt as bad over the loss right now because he is plowed drunk so much he's not dealing with the feelings. In either case, my point is: Stop making assumptions and stop taking it all so personally.
You have some good insights. You are grieving a loss and it's challenging. You need time and space. It may also help to get out to Alanon meetings and engage yourself in other activities where you interact with people and do fun and stimulating things. It is harder to get over losses, changes, and disappointments with people if you don't have other folks in your support network to rely on or are not spread out in the community with your own hobbies, places to go, and people to see. If you spend too much time mulling over him instead of forcing yourself to get out and live, that is where it is starting to become an "addiction to him" as you say because you are then choosing him over a rich and full life. Also, not nurturing your whole self and building more supports will make it so you continue to have urges to get needs met from him when you know it's a losing battle.
Where you are at though does not sound unusual at all for a recent break up. Keep your head up. Don't bash yourself. Watch sending mixed messages to him. If it's over, let it be over. If you are going to be friends later, it will be after a time of healing and distance.
Welcome Mary, I'm so pleased that you found us and had the courage to reach out and share. As Pink Chip has indicated, alcoholism is a dreadful progressive chronic disease over which we are re powerless. Living with this disease and attempting to cope with the insanity, we too become affected in a very negative fashion. That is why we require a program of recovery and support from people who understand as few others can.
Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and it is here that I developed the tools to live by, support from people who truly understood, and a way to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth so that I trusted myself and stopped reacting and learn to respond once again.
Please check out the meetings and keep coming back there is hope
Thank you both for your responses. Pink Chip, I do think you're probably right on why he hasn't contacted me. I shouldn't try to understand his motives right now, I surely don't understand many of the choices he makes in his life.
It's become so clear to me throughout this relationship and during our break up(s) (this is not the first, but the longest previous was 2 weeks and we were in contact pretty much the whole time. This is the first time I've ever broken up with him though.), that I have issues to work on. Whenever I'm not with him I slide into denial and think he's probably not drinking anymore (there is never anything to indicate this) or that his drinking wasn't really that bad. Sometimes I still fool myself into thinking I can love the disease out of him. As soon as I see him again I am instantly reminded just how bad his drinking is and that my love has no control over his drinking. I hate to say it, but there's also a part of me that has come to identify with the martyr role I've played in this relationship. He's told me many times he doesn't deserve me and he doesn't know why I've stayed with him as long as I have. I've become the long suffering girlfriend who puts up with so much and keeps giving him another chance. That's so not who I am. I feel like I've lost myself and I so want to find me again.
I think Al-Anon can certainly be a big help to me. I went to a face-to-face meeting years ago when I was married to my ex-husband (also an alcoholic although he doesn't drink anymore). I only went to one, but it was really helpful. I'm not sure why I never went back after that meeting. I really have to motivate myself to go now and keep going back.
Thank you Debbie. It helps to know that there are other people who know what I'm going through. It's so easy to think that it's something that I've done, that there is something wrong with me. I know that us being apart is for the best, but if I'm being honest I really hope this isn't the end. I hope he will eventually reach out to me. In the meantime I guess I have to take care of myself and my daughters and do what I can to get myself emotionally healthier.
Mary I hesitate to respond because what you describe sounds so very much like my early days with my Abf and I don't want to presume that my story is the same as yours. But the similarities and the pain you describe right now sound so very familiar.
Each time I worked up the courage to tell him that his actions were unacceptable, he would 'leave me". Always with no contact, sometimes for weeks, once for 2 months.
I was always hurt and desperately miserable and couldn't understand "how he could just forget about me" and when he came back I was so grateful to see him again that I forgot everything he had done, all of his bad behaviour and welcomed him back. My boundaries retreated a little every single time.
When I look back now I know that it was a measure of control on his behalf, even if he wasn't completely conscious of it. On some level, he knew that abandonment was the no 1. guaranteed way to weaken my resolve and push me back into enabling.
The thing is, he always came back. Usually weeks later, unannounced, drunk and at 3am, and wanting to pretend nothing had happened or to act as if I was 'lucky"...he had almost decided to move on you know but dang it, he just missed me and wanted to see me...
I lost a little more power every time and my entire life became focused on a) not losing him or b) making him come back. And although I don't for a moment imagine he had a grasp on the enormity of what his actions did to me or my relationship with my child, it was a virtual hostage situation for a very long time and on some level, his addiction knew exactly how to control me.
Nothing changed until I changed.
There is a book called 'Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews that helped me to get a grasp on the dynamics that were going on between us and I suspect it might be a valuable read for you too. It helped me to understand that what I was doing wrong in the relationship was grossly undervaluing myself and teaching those that cared about me to undervalue me too.
Leaving you without any discussion yet still contacting your children says to me that he is grossly undervaluing you and hoping on some level that his abandonment is weakening you enough that you will be agreeable and compliant if he decides he wants to return. I don't buy that he is "just preoccupied with being a drunk" because in my experience drunk or not, guys like my A (if indeed he is similar) only mistreat people when they know they can get away with it. People that hold them to a higher standard get better treatment or, at worst, prompt apologies.
As my standards for myself became higher, so too did his treatment of me. 10 years later we have been through a live in relationship and a lot of trauma and come out the other side, with me choosing to live alone and he apparently working towards making changes. What is very different now is that he wouldn't "abandon" me for weeks at a time now and if he did he would know that there would be no way on this Green earth I would be waiting with open arms.
Anyway I'm sorry if I have misread your situation, it just rang some bells for me and I wonder if you aren't experiencing similar dynamics.
Hugs to you anyway, and welcome
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Missmeliss, thank you so much for your post, it made me cry because it sounded so familiar. While I do think he's spending his time getting drunk and I do think that can help to numb whatever pain he feels from missing me (if he feels any), it has never kept him from contacting me before. I think, as you suggested with your ABF there is something else going on too. Something involving control. This is the first time I've broken up with him and he turned it around to make me feel broken up with. Getting back whatever control and sense of power over my situation I had when I ended things.
I can feel my resolve wearing down. The thought that he's just stopped loving me is more than I can stand. It's like if he came back now and showed me some love I would be so happy for whatever crumbs I got that I would take him back with open arms. Which is really crazy. I am smart and kind and attractive. I have been a very good girlfriend to him. In May he told me he doesn't understand why I've stayed with him. He has these moments of such lucidity and self-reflection. They usually come after a big drunken attack on me. Which is what I've been waiting for this time. It's like that's the payoff for me and this time I didn't get it. He knows abandonment is my biggest fear. And while he's never gone this long without contacting me he has gone days without contacting me waiting until I contacted him.
I feel like I'm rambling now. There is so much going through my head, but thank you thank you for your post. It really resonated with me. I am going to check out the book you suggested.
Mary, one of the people here reminds us that his rejection is our Higher Power's protection.
I KNOW it doesn't feel like it in the moment. If you can get a bit of distance by seeing it as if it were happening to your sister or a close friend, that may help you get through this difficult period.
I so understand what you are saying.
When I look back, he always knew just how to time it so that he would come back just when I was in so much pain that I was desperate to make him happy and make him stay.
I loved him and at the same time I hated him because he wouldn't LET me do anything but love him and miss him. I had no time time be a person let alone a mother. It was exhausting and crippling.
It is completely in your hands and the only person that can change it is you!
If your sense is that he's trying to control you then it's probably accurate. The disease is an expert at manipulation and controlling ladies like us with the fear of abandonment is child's play. My guy would leave, he would pretend to book plane tickets, he would actually go to view houses, he was always leaving me...it was all smoke and mirrors. It stopped working when I saw it for the game that it was. Which happened when I read that book I mentioned. It's good. It taught me that no-one would value me until I took myself out of the bargain-bin and put myself on the top shelf where I belong. Just like you do.
Hugs!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found the courage to post and so glad that you shared.
Relationships are very difficult with sane people. Relationships are extremely difficult with substance abusers. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's a disease that affects the thinking, the doing and the emotions of the drinker, and all those who love and/or live with them.
The only treatment that works long term is recovery - and it applies to the person and those around them. Relationships come and go for 'normal people'. But for 'us' - those who are addicted to alcoholics, it's a magnified level of pain, hard to accept because we fear we are not good enough or won't find another.
Al-Anon helps us to work on us and learn how to love ourselves and act/react differently - no matter what the alcoholic is doing. Nobody knows my buttons better than my qualifiers - my AH (Alcoholic Husband) and my A Sons. They know how to work me on every level and I (not them) feel used, resentful, anxious, etc. If they can't work me into getting what they want, they do find another victim. It's not that they don't love me, it's their disease that makes them selfish, self-centered and focused on one goal - chasing the alcohol, the fun, the distraction, the .... - not sure what it is - just know it's got more pull than me, my love, my relationship, etc.
Take care of you. Focus on you. Get engaged in this program to help understand what makes you tick. You will not regret it - it's saved my life and made me a better person.
(((Hugs))) to you - so sorry you're struggling.....we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so glad I posted. Everything that you all have said to me has been right on target and has given me a lot of peace and a deeper understanding of what's going on.
Jill, I keep telling myself that this is God protecting me. It helps sometimes to remind myself of that. Other times I get "stuck" and am just so sad.
Missmeliss, I got the book you suggested on my Kindle and already I've had aha moments reading it. I think it will be really beneficial no matter what happens with me and my A exbf.
Iamhere, thank you. I do often feel not good enough. One of the reasons I put up with the abuse for so long. I kept thinking if I just loved him enough he would stop treating me badly. I really don't think he wants to treat me badly, he's said as much during lucid moments, but when he's drunk he's got no control over what he does.
Kudos to you Mary for listening and taking action that is for you and your life/future! We can't truly know what tomorrow brings so I do the best I can to be happy in the present. That's what this program has given to me - a freedom and peace just for me in the moment no matter what's going on...
I know my As love me. I also know that the disease makes them mistreat me, manipulate me and many other 'poor behaviors'. I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and just do what works for me. It's a life-changer and a bit uncomfortable at first, but if we can't put ourselves first, how can we truly expect to have healthy relationships - family, SO, etc?
Hang in there and keep doing things for you! I hope you can find a local Al-Anon meeting/group - it's been wonderful to have program friends that I can call and share with and they get it! I don't have to filter what's going on with me or those I love - I can just be me, open, honest, raw, etc. Yet another life-changer!!
Keep coming back! You're worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for sharing in such an honest way everyone. I frequently told the secret is in the sharing. It takes a lot of courage (or in my case desperation) to reach out in such a way. In my experience when I do this I feel better or at the least I don't feel worse. I identify much of what's been said here. So much it too brings a tear to my eye. Like the book recommendation too. I'll check that out! X
Mary328, I am in your situation. Back and forth and back and forth. Been together 2 years now. The first year he broke up with me 3 times for reasons that I can't understand to this day We had a wonderful, love-filled 12 1/2 months and then out of the blue on Friday, DONE. I'm having all of the same emotions that you are. How could he just forget about me? As Pinkchip said, maybe it's too much and his way to handle his fear. Maybe it's just me. Each time it's happened I fall apart a little less. Building up a tolerance I guess.
In my case, what makes it more baffling, is the my A xbf has 18 years of sobriety. And I mean, active in AA - meetings, inventories, all of the steps continuously. And yet, the reasons he gives are vague. "Maybe we aren't good for each other" "We're different people"
NO SH** we're different people, but we get along and enjoy each other's company and love one another. So what does that mean???
I went to my first F2F last night. I believe that this time this is actually over. That said, I'm hoping that Al-Anon can help me (as Pinkchip said) with a difficult process which is that your mind knows one thing and your heart feels another. It's painful. Nearly unbearable.
Mary
I am also going through the same treatment with my AH. I moved 7 years ago and we stayed together, but live apart and now he leaves at the drop of a hat. No serious conversation wanted on his part. Hangs up on me when I get upset about something and need to talk.He makes it my fault no matter what. This sight gives me hope as I am new to this.i had no idea I was being controlled by him. Yet I put up with it. I am getting less upset when he leaves anymore.
Lost and Scared and Trisha, I completely understand what you're both going through. My ex abf and I had a very on/off relationship. Something I've never gone through before (not to say that I've had great relationships, but I've never been broken up with every other week). The funny thing is when we first met he was on probation (for something alcohol related) and he was back and forth between Vegas (where he was on probation) and Massachusetts where his parents live and where I live. He didn't have a steady job and has no license (4 DUIs). During this time he was totally committed. As his life has improved in a way that a normal person would feel more comfortable committing, no longer on probation, back in Mass permanently, has a permanent job in his trade, he's pulled away more and more.
I too have been hung up on more times than I can count especially if I get upset and need to talk. He takes no responsibility for anything, everything is my fault, his mom's fault, someone else's fault. Always.
Coming here and reading what others are going through makes me feel less alone. I can see that it's not me. I'm not a perfect person, but this is his issue, not mine.
my name is Cassidy. My boyfriend is currently missing, it's been 7 days now and he won't answer my calls or texts, he only let me and his mother know he was ok through a friend. I have seen him drink too much in the past and he's gone missing before (never this long). Right before he went missing he didn't show up for work and didn't go home the night before. He of course lied about this and denies any drinking. I love him and I believe he can get through this but i don't know what to do, it's heart wretching when you dont even have an explanation or understanding how he could or why he would do this to me (just a week ago he was talking about getting engaged). I'm so hurt and confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Welcome to MIP Cassidy - glad you found us and glad that you posted. I'm sorry for your pain and confusion....you may get more views and ESH (experience, strength & hope) if you post a new topic here.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it reaches well beyond the drinker to those who care for them. I encourage you and his mother to find local Al-Anon meetings and attend. You will find others who truly understand and can support you during this difficult time. We often find that our views and reactions have become distorted because of the disease and Al-Anon provides us our own path to recovery and restoration of sanity.
Keep coming back - you are not alone! Sending (((hugs))) your way...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
