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Ok, so I need some advice about how to use program here. My son is 16 and old enough to learn how to handle his dad when he is required to spend time with him. I took my son to his first Al Anon meeting tonight and we talked about his father's drinking. Turns out there were things I didn't know, which I kind of suspected. My XAH likes to blame his Ambien for weird behavior at night but my son told me that last week he woke up at 2 AM to XAH playing the drums and even ear plugs with the door shut didn't help tune it out. He told me about how he woke up and saw his dad drinking another night at 1 AM talking jibberish to the television.
So, XAH has been working on our son's school schedule and because I work so much and am gone 11 hours a day I really can't contribute much to my son's schedule. He is trying to exclude me from any decision making so what I've done is just let him take charge. I figured if it all falls to hell in a hand basket, it will happen sooner than later and then I can step in and help set new parameters or new schedules. My son and I talked about Plan B and even a possible plan C and I know that it will all work out.
My son has told me that X doesn't wake up some days until 1 PM. He was almost late getting to an appointment last week because he was calling the X at 11 AM and his dad wouldn't answer. I am actually thinking of setting him up with an Uber account at this rate so that he might have a ride if desperate. We talked about safety and drunk driving and many other topics.
My son liked the Al Anon meeting even though it was about the Traditions, LOL. He said he got a lot out of it and that he would like to go to another! So, as always, going to a meeting was totally necessary for me and for US.
Anyway, I need advice on how to handle things with the X. Trying to just come up a protocol. XAH won't respond to my emails and last week he came into my house without my permission. He seems to be slipping down that slippery slope and I need to be the one who has their wit's about them. Unfortunately, my work is very demanding and I have no sick time or vacation time and a boos who doesn't give a crap about my personal life.
I'm probably all over the place but I do know that there's some good and some bad here and I'm trying to know what my part is without contributing to the problem.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Your son is old enough to negotiate the relationship with his father, but he also needs ways to be able to get away and leave if need be. I think the uber account may be a good idea. I also think putting your son in charge of more of his own schedule and so forth might be a good idea. He is just 2 years away from adulthood, and while I know you aren't going to just demand he live on his own at 18, he will ideally pick his own schedule at college if he goes, or at a job where he has to prioritize and such.
If the X questions stuff, I think honestly with as much compassion as you can muster is the best policy. That might mean a comment like "Son is almost 17. He can do more on his own and needs to be able to just leave you alone if it seems you are struggling with depression or binge drinking. I am not trying to criticize. Those are your choices, and I do want you to be happy ultimately. I also want our son to have less anxiety and challenges than he already does right now while also having the ability to make more grown up decisions about where he wants to be and how he spends his time." Your son may need to be the one to say some of these things too. I know that the pattern has been that nobody can tell your X anything because they will then get silent treatment or snarky, mean and vindictive retaliatory comments in retaliation. However, if your son never learns to stand up to him in an assertive, yet caring and respectful way, they may eventually just have a blow up fight or your son may have a break down having to negotiate his father's BS without a way to escape, call him on some of the behaviors, or exert some control over his surroundings.
So really it's about teaching your son boundary setting and loving detachment in a lot of ways. Taking him to alanon is good also.
I'm sorry to hearof this turn of events, and am pleased that your son was able to relate to the Al-Anon meeting. Actually I like tradition meetings-- Thye have provided me with tools to interact with family as well as a meetings. :0
I really think, your son would benefit from interacting with Alateen, because he will find other teens that he can relate to and share with.--and make close friends to call in time of crisis. They would provide him tools that he can use as a teenager to live life on life's terms.
I know I took on a 19-year-old sponseee years ago- and it was daunting. I must say.:) though we have been able to relate, she's in school close to graduation, has broken up with her alcoholic boyfriend and is herself attending AA. I never thought that I would be able to sponsor someone so young - so I am contradicting myself. Inhope that he can find someone at the meetings that can share program.
As far as hubby is concerned, you are powerless, but not hopeless.
My son plans to talk to his counselor next week about these things and express his concerns. I did talk to him about how to speak to his father and I told him that he will have to start stepping up and speaking up and he agreed to do so. He did say that the Al Anon stuff was really helpful last night and he didn't realize how much he was trying to take on responsibility for his father.
The AlaTeen meeting was cancelled last night so the kids came into our meeting. He will try AlaTeen soon, for sure, Betty.
I had been pushing for my son to get his driving permit soon but with my work schedule, it's just not happening(taking him to the DMV to take the test) which means I am leaving my son in the care of his father and then they both wind up dropping the ball. I keep thinking that I should quit my job for now until I get our son settled into a schedule for this next school year. But, I do not think that is wise as I need the money and the experience (as awful as my job has been lately) and I need the health insurance which just kicked in this month.
I was really glad at the meeting when a lot of the men came up and greeted my son after the meeting. He needs some good male role models. I also told him I think he needs to meet my boyfriend and to start interacting with him so that he can see that there is a trustworthy man in my life who he, too, can eventually turn to. We'll see how things progress. I just keep encouraging my son to communicate and to take care of himself and not worry about his father. Reminding him constantly that dad is a grown man who needs to learn how to take care of himself.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Good work my dear I do not think your quiting your job is a good idea I had many , many obstacles to overcome when I returned to work but I kept showing up and they were all handled. Maybe the school will have drivers ed and the will help get the permit. My son hated my partner until the say he passed-- he kept reminding me" he is not his father ".
Positive thoughts on the way.
I had to step aside and let my sons navigate their relationship (or lack of) with their father. Of course, we all were in the same home, but it didn't matter - my AH was a stranger to all of us for most of their growing up. He was not reliable for rides or other commitments he'd made to them, and I worked hard to get them outside help as I felt my input made them bitter and resentful. Since he blamed me for so many things, they also were unsure who/what was to blame - no matter how many times they heard from a variety of sources that this is a disease vs. a choice.
I think it's wonderful that he goes to Al-ATeen and/or Al-Anon - whatever works! Education at this age may help him be more 'smart' against the disease than mine were/are. I believe they still at times wonder if it's a choice vs. a disease. It's a tough pill to swallow for a youth and it takes time!
Hugs for you all - the great discussions and dialogue that you and he have will matter in the long run. Be patient and open minded as you help him navigate his way. Kudos so far for all that you've done to help him.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
