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This is kind of long but I need to get it all out!
My husband and I got sober in 1991, together, him through in-patient treatment and me through being required to attend therapy with him as part of his treatment, which led to me realizing I am alcoholic too. Recently we've had a lot of life changes involving his mother moving into an Alzheimer's facility, selling our house at the beach and moving in with his elderly father. His father drinks 2 drinks every day and claims his doctor told him to, although I think he may have reinterpreted what his doctor actually said. We can deal with that, with 23 years of sobriety under our belts.
Last weekend my husband's cousin came for a visit. They grew up together here in my in-laws' house, so it was great to have him here to reminisce with FIL and husband about all the old days and family vacations. Cousin drank quite a bit and seems to have a daily "cocktail time" followed by a bunch more to drink. He was only here for 4 days, and he kind of talked constantly which may have been the booze or may have just been his personality. Anyway, I was happy when he left at the crack of dawn on Monday, just to get back to our evolving routine with FIL.
What I'm leading up to is what happened later on Monday morning. I walked in on my husband taking a slug out of a bottle of rum. I said "what are you doing?" in a very panicked voice and he said he woke up thinking about all their reminiscing about being in the islands back in the day and having drinks and all and he was just compelled to take a drink. He said it made him feel sick and ran into the bathroom. I got dressed and when he came out I told him if I ever find out he's drinking again I will leave him. I told him he had destroyed my hope, my trust, and my support system with one swig and I hoped it was worth it. I was shaking as I got my car keys and got in my car and drove off. I didn't know where I was going but I had to get away. I drove around for a while, crying and yelling "why would you do that?" as I felt my world dropping away. I bought a couple of breakfast biscuits, came home and gave him one and asked him if he has been drinking again. He swore he hasn't, and he cried and said it wasn't because of the swig of rum but because of what it had done to me. I told him again that I will not go back to the way things were and that I will leave if it happens again. I told him that I wasn't going to dwell on it all day but he needed to know that I was devastated. He understood that.
Oh how quickly denial sets in. I breezed through Monday like nothing had happened, although I did google Al Anon and found this forum. But by Tuesday morning I was a basket case. I was so full of mistrust, doubt, sadness, fear - you name it. I was randomly bursting into tears and I barely said 10 words all day. I kept reading the forum. It helped so much while at the same time plunging me back into the insanity that comes with living with, and being, alcoholic. I started writing a post, deleted it, read some more and cried some more. Finally I decided that wallowing wasn't healthy so I sat down with my husband and told him I needed him to know exactly how devastated I was. I told him I felt empty and alone, scared, betrayed and like I had lost my only support system. I told him the worst part is that I don't trust him now. I told him I just want to trust him again like I have for the past 23 years. He cried, I cried, but after I was finished pouring out my heart I felt better.
I don't know if I believe him, that this was his only slip. I'm suspicious all the time when he's not in my sight. I hate feeling like this.
You all have been a Godsend to me this week and have reminded me that I can't cure it or control it, and to take care of myself. I have a list of local Al Anon meetings in case things deteriorate. I have hope that this is a one-off thing but I am not unaware of the dangers. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for helping me so much without even knowing I was here.
-- Edited by Karny on Friday 31st of July 2015 06:30:45 PM
Welcome to MIP - so very glad you came here, posted and shared with us!
So very sorry for what you're feeling/experiencing. I can relate to what you share...
I got sober and met and married my husband in the program (I am a double winner). We married in 1991, first child in 1992. When we married, we both had 5-6 years of sobriety and we weren't too terribly young/dumb!
Between our first child and our second (1994), my husband began to drink again. He was a sneaky relapse(r), and anytime I thought I smelled alcohol, I'd ask what it was and he lied. This went on for a long, long while, but deep down I knew. He would never own it until he got caught red-handed and then he opted to decide he wasn't an A and has practiced controlled drinking for a long, long while.
So - I do completely understand how you feel. I felt it and I sat and wondered for a long while how much or our lives had been seen through 'beer goggles' and what it meant for my boys, my future, etc. *Sigh* - I spent a ton of time on the anger, resentments, fear and past or future.
I have since always had a "Plan B". I've opted to stay in the marriage, but have places to go should I need to get away. I've got meeting schedules, program friends and a 'cash stash' too just in case. I believe in the commitment marriage means, and have stayed for that and a few other reasons. Should I want or need to do something different, I am ready - mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I've got a plan!
Huge hugs for you and your hubbie. His slip shows us exactly how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease it. It lies in wait and is patient. My hope is he can get back to his program and recovery. In Al-Anon, we learn how to find happiness and take care of ourselves no matter what another is doing!
I have stayed sober and will celebrate 28 years in Oct. Kudos to you for your sobriety - just like Al-Anon, it's one day at a time for recovery!!!
Keep coming back and post anytime!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Karny I had to build a stronger relationship with my HP in order to be in one that wouldn't disappoint me. When I use to resort to drama when things went wrong in my marriage with my alcoholic/addict my sponsor use to tell me to read my complaint as if I were someone else in order to get the entire picture and I did. I am also a double and questions like "Am I sober for her or for me and Don't I now understand what she is going thru and how"? I learned to replace fear with compassion and empathy and acceptance that the disease we mutually shared was a destroyer and killer and at times we understood more than the other and that still didn't stop the insanity. Learning how not to be afraid has been a sobriety long endeavor and I've been in the rooms for 36+ years. I am no longer married to the alcoholic/addict and still am married to the former spouse and daughter of alcoholics and the program works just as well as we continue to be touched by the disease. Page 449 of the 3rds edition of the Big Book has the words from Dr. Bob which saved my sanity. I heard these first in Al-Anon where I attended for 9 years alcohol free before entering AA. "....And acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." It goes on from there and you already know the rest of it. So you got to witness the relapse with the disease taking him and not the other way around...ours is a program of progression and not perfection. He slipped first as an A and you as someone affected by the disease. We get to relapse also tale another look at your relapse as you spelled it out here. That is how we relapse...we go back to thoughts, feelings, actions and spirit that cannot and will not work in bringing us SANITY that last word in the 2nd step. We walk past that power greater than ourselves and fall off the end of the earth. I did it in such a way that it almost cost my alcoholic her life and me mine and more people joined us in our insanity some wearing uniforms and armor and others simply dressed like victims.
Alcoholism is a life time disease...it can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. I'm currently reading "Pass it On" for the second time; an AA volume so that I can get a now clearing picture of this disease I was born and raised into. I appreciate getting clearer about the life threatening disease I carry in and with me. It gives me resolve to stay awake and alert and always humble. Ours is the mother of all fatal diseases and it is older than the life of the Christ by 3000 years. Your husband now has sober time and that will strengthen him. I tell my sponsees "When you go back out you go with the experience of sobriety...continue to use it".
I just has a miracle in my recovery in the last year. Up till the time of the miracle I was concerned that I never had lost the compulsion to drink again and while I didn't the compulsion concerned me a lot and while I didn't entertain the thoughts the thoughts alone use to tire me out...spiritually and emotionally and mentally. In January I started getting major head pain which was diagnosed as subdural hematomas and my head had to be opened up to stop the bleeding twice. The consequences are I have a very bumpy head gratefully and the other has been I've lost the compulsion to drink. My Higher Power does the directions I do the following and often times I get positive outcomes I first did not consider.
You and your husband are both alcoholic so you know how bad that feels. He isn't a bad person he's alcoholic. My prayers and thoughts for your both as we fight this life threatening disease. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 31st of July 2015 11:57:28 PM
Thank you so much for your replies. They have given me courage, insight, and taken away the lonely feelings I've had this week.
My father was alcoholic. My mom took me to an Al Anon meeting with her when I was in my late teens. At the time I didn't really understand any of it, or why she had taken me with her. I don't know if she continued to attend but I really hope she did. He died when he was 49. She was 47 and had another 32 years ahead of her, which she filled with everything she loved to do that he never could do with her. She traveled the world, and built a house at the beach to share with family and friends. I was so happy for her that she was able to finally enjoy her life after he died.
I didn't realize how crazy my life had been growing up with an alcoholic father until I was 38 and finally got sober myself, and spent a year in therapy. What has kept me sober has been my deep spiritual beliefs and my complete loss of the compulsion to drink. I think that's what has scared me the most this week. If my husband could relapse, so could I, and I see now that I may not have taken a drink, but I have in fact relapsed into the codependent side of things. This week I will attend a face to face meeting, and treat my husband with the compassion he deserves. I can see that I need help to deal with this. Thank you Iamhere, Debb, hotrod and Jerry F. I cried out to my HP for help, and help arrived.
-- Edited by Karny on Saturday 1st of August 2015 03:38:35 AM
Please keep us posted on how the F2F meeting is/goes!
Know that we're here and just a post away. Keep coming back here too - and I too understand your fear. I had that same feeling when my AH relapsed. I actually sat around and wondered why he and not me? What was different? Blah-blah.....I tend to overthink everything which is why this program has been good for me - learning to accept the things I can't change....I never got my answers, but decided it's OK - I work hard for my program(s) and am grateful for my serenity, sobriety and program friends/tools!
(((Hugs))) to you and your hubby!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for being here Karny and for your heartfelt post which resonated for me with your loving understanding as well as a vivid reminder of what it is like when we are reminded of traumas from the past. I know that I get anxious and 'fizzy' when I am triggered and then I start projecting my fears into the future. I have to pull back and ask myself 'is there anything wrong with this moment?' It amazes me how often my answer is 'no, everything is fine'!!!
I love the idea of your mother filling her life with everything that she loved and I admire the clarity of your conversations with your husband as well. Pouring out our hearts to folks, like those here at Miracles in Progress, helps a lot doesn't it. We are lucky to have each other in this world.
